The spiderman is having me for dinner tonight

Today has been horribly unproductive compared to yesterday’s PONY-monium… I’ll get my coat. I got in at 4.15am after a night of dancing in Exodus (officially my new, and possibly only, Happy Place in Aberdeen.) It plays good music. I was awoken at 9am to finish filling out my application form and get it sent off. Then I went back to sleep until silly o’clock when I watched Sex and the City (I feel I’ve typed that a lot in the last few blogs, but I’ve had nineteen discs to get through!) and came online, listened to Pulp and the Cure.
This has basically been my day.

I did get a call from one of my mother’s friends. She wanted to talk to me as well, which was strange. She told me that her daughter had bumped into someone who works at the place I’ve applied for and he says that they’re not too worried about people having no experience, as long as they have a vast knowledge of both unknown and more famous music and comedy acts. I think I’m gonna have to make a mental list if I get an interview. I’ll end up just pulling random bands that I’d like to see up here out of the air, same with comedians. I’m into my comedy, but I don’t really have a grasp on how well people are known. I think it’s with living in Aberdeen, so far up north I’m a bit isolated. Say, for example, if I mentioned Paul Foot to them. Would they know who he is? I wouldn’t say he’s that widely known, but then I think he is down south. It’s hard to judge. Maybe I’ll just list comedians I’d like to see up here then.

Our Ross Noble tickets arrived today. That was bloody quick! Only booked them on Thursday. I’m looking forward to that. I’ve got more comedy than music gigs lined up at the moment. This is the contradictory year to 2006, that’s for sure. Think the last music gig I was at was 3volution which is a bit mad, considering that was in May. Gone are the days I’d have a gig a week. I don’t think I’m too sad about it though. Strange.

Sorry about this, terrible entry. I’m going to go for a shower to wash away the shame of not-even-mediocrity.

“It’s all bomb, no Jager…”

So, I caved and bought four tickets to see that man wot pisses me off sometimes. In theory, I’ll be bumming him again by February, so will be glad of the tickets. I thought us girls would end up going, but Jill’s not wanting to, so it’s gonna be me, Laura, Keri and big Jamie in attendance for the Brandy-man. I’m glad Jamie’s coming. I never see that man these days. I’ve told him I’ll need to make my way down to Glasgow before November so we can go for a bowl of coffee. He seems happy about the tickets. I texted yesterday to ask if 10 rows from the front is still close enough to catch a venereal disease or be impregnated by the illustrious Mr Brand, but apparently not. He is excited and says it will be the best valentines day ever. Now he’d better not go and get himself a man to abandon Brandypants for.

In other news, today… was mixed. I’d usually say it wasn’t productive, but that’d be a lie!
I woke up at 10, came online, hung out the washing, went and watched Sex and the City and basically avoided writing a covering letter/filling out application forms that would show how pathetic my employment history was. Then I started constructing a horse while watching SATC.

A ring-a-ding-ding.
First thought was “Give him a name.” Second thought was, “I love that he’s bright pink but still obviously a him.” So I thought ‘Jeeves’, then remembered that’s my rubber duck’s name. This simply will not do.

Possibly going out tonight. It’s a Friday night and will therefore be hectic and horrible and we won’t get a cab. I’d much rather go out for a meal and have a few mojitos. Nice.

It’s been sweet, but I’m over and out

I’ve got too many things to buy, bloggy-wog. And most of it’s online, which is very hard to do when the bloody bank won’t give you a debit card. Also, just when I was marvelling at how much money I have, I realise I owe quite a few people some pennies (although Laura, Jonny, John and Jill all owe me money for various tickets, so I suppose that’ll be alright.)
I know I’ve got more than £400 in my bank account at the moment, but I’ll use 400 as a starter.
I owe Laura about £20 and I owe my mother about £55.
And despite me complaining that he’s been an arse of late and wondering when he’ll start being funny again, part of me wants to go see ol’ Russ in Glasgow next year. There’s a pre-sale this afternoon, which again, I could buy tickets for and owe the mother, but her card’s got a £200 limit and I dunno how much she’s got left on it. I need at least three tickets as I’ve persuaded big Jamie to come along. Say this does happen, that’ll be another £100 (granted, people will owe me £75, but I won’t get that straight away). THEN we have the possibility of the last Boosh date (unless I can get my tickets and do a swap with someone) which is another £25.  
So, altogether, that’ll mean I’ll be down to about £200. I’ve got a month until I’m next paid, so I dunno how much I’ll need to live ’til then, but it looks like I may have merely £100 to spend in London! Oh dear. Ah well, we’ll see… Enough of that piss-boring financial hooplah, onto the happy-haps.

Last night was moderately amusing. I went out with the sole intention of staying sober and I sort of did that. Me, Amber and Laura met up with Emma and Keri (this sounds ridiculous) at the bus stop, then Jamie got on a few stops after. We got to Slains at about 8.10, realised we needed money and by the time we found a working cash machine, it was 8.25 and we couldn’t find any seats upstairs for the quiz. The ‘Quizmaster’ (he wishes he was Sfry; whose books I’ve still not read yet, they’re taking a backseat for the moment while I finish the Book of Dave and Lolita) said that the quiz would be over the two floors for anyone who couldn’t find a seat. We ran downstairs and squeezed into a table. By this time, Stuart, Katie, Ashleigh and Aneeka had arrived. It was a large table. The first round went fantastically and we were joint first, then I lose track. At one point, we were in the lead, but we fell down at the last round. Bad luck, Future Sailors, we’ll knock ‘em dead next week. So, we moved onto Revolution, where Jamie skilfully snuck in, despite being an hour too young. We waited too long for drinks and felt tired, but were outside with the heaters so it was alright, then at 11.30 headed to the Old School House for their last half hour and for somewhere quiet to go while we waited patiently for Jimmers to turn 18. Apparently my friends don’t do quiet and insisted on a full on, loud as hell countdown ’til midnight and then a sing-song. By this point, we’d lost an Ashleigh and a Katie and gained a Ryan. The majority headed to Priory to please Amber who wanted to go see John Anderson from Gladiators. Me, Emma, Ryan and Jamie didn’t like the size of the queue, so were Drummonds-bound. Me and Emma went in, tried to convince the bouncer that we’d just had a countdown to midnight to make sure Jamie could come in “We phoned the talking clock and everything!” he kept him behind for a minute, wished him a happy birthday and let him in. Ryan fell behind, so we tried to think of places to go that he’d get into.
Moshulu. So onwards we traveled and laughed at those bouncers too. Bouncers are getting friendlier and funnier in Aberdeen. It. Is. Very. Unprecedented. They started off playing the Ting Tings and Hot Chip, then it turned to Slayer and Rage Against the Machine. Odd times. I bought Jamie his first and second legal drinks and we didn’t stay long. Ended up getting a cab at about 1.30am, just me, Emma and Jamie. Jamie got another happy birthday from the taxi driver and we made our way home.

I hate having really long paragraphs, I felt the need for a new one. I don’t know what’ll happen tonight, probably something similarly dull. I think there’s a silent disco on, so might end up there. We’ve still not done the whole Triple Kirks/Exodus thing, so maybe that too. Either way, I’ll write about it, while you glance at it and yawn.

I’ve watched far too much Sex and the City today, but damn, it’s good. I’m such a girl when I need to be… I should stop writing this and type up the rest of this thing for my ol’ Grandmother. Then I’d better fill in that bloody job application. I really do not want to.

In the first bar things were stop and stare, this bar things were laissez-faire

I’m having a surprisingly good day for nothing going to plan! It also appears to be a Jonathan Richman day. I do love my sister (not only for this, but it’s added to the list) for getting me into good music from an early-ish age, this one came later on, but it’s still very much appreciated. Cheers, Chuck!

So, of late I’ve moaned about SRO and their lack of IT Crowd tickets. But now I’m moving on to the thing more people tend to moan about: Banking. Or more specifically, the bunch of Bankers behind them. After an enjoyable venture into town where I finally bought the Sex and the City box set (£50. Cheapest I’m gonna see it for ages I think.) and Brian Wilson’s ‘That Lucky Old Sun’, I remembered I should go into the bank and find out where in the name of jeeves my debit card they were supposed to be sending me has got to. So, I went in and stood waiting for a bit in a queue, then a woman came up to me and asked if I needed help. I asked her how long it was supposed to take for debit cards to be sent out because I’d been waiting nearly two weeks. She took my card I have at the minute and went to find out what had happened. On her return, I was told that I’m not eligible for a debit card and I’d been given the wrong information. Apparently I don’t use my account enough to get one… despite it being the only account I have and the only way I can get access to my cash. She offered me a different card and I told her there was no point because I just wanted it so I could buy things online. I really should have said “Can I get all my money please? I’m gonna change banks.” but was too polite. Damn morals.

Anyway, I left feeling pissed off, called my mother and asked her how easy it’d be to switch banks. I went into Alliance and Leicester and picked up a few leaflets, but this is just going to be more hassle which is really fucking irritating. I only wanna buy some pretty clothes off the intywebs! Ah well… I met Laura and Amber at the bus stop and they’ve invited me to help them organise a charity Halloween party at the Tunnels in October. A bit short notice, but the prospect of making up fliers and shit excites me. I may also try and rope some bands into playing. If you know of any decent bands in the Aberdeen area on Halloween, let me know! If not, I’ll scour the next best place: Glasgow!

I got off the bus at Asda, went and bought some rubbish, then came home and bought a ticket to see Jarvis in Sheffield in November. I am very very excited.  You know how in a year you’ll maybe have one or two insanely hectic weeks? I think the week of the gig will be my mental week. It’s on the 25th, I’ve been roped into going to see the View on the 27th, then Russell Howard on the 28th and the Boosh in Glasgow on the 29th. Ex.Cit.Ing.Times.
Off to Slain’s for the pub quiz tonight. I think it’s me, Laura, Amber, Emma, Jamie, Stuart going and I’m presuming six is the maximum number of team members. But I’ve since found out that Ashleigh and Katie may be joining us, so we’ll see how we get round that technicality. It’s Jamie’s 18th tomorrow, so at midnight I plan on buying him a lovely first drink. Good ol’ Jimmers. Although we may be at the -shudder- Priory by then ‘cos they’ve got their weird Gladiators thing on. RGU vs. Aberdeen and the actual referee from the show is gonna be there. “RGU Rrrrrread-eh?! Aberdeen rrrrrread-eh?!”
Ace.

Oh, I also promised I’d mention how awesome some of my friends are in this blog… One example of this can be found at http://babydull.livejournal.com/
Buy things from her, she makes good things! Look how pretty!

Buy buy buy. She makes things good. Nipple tassles are coming soon. Win.

I’m too excited for Sheffield at the moment. Where’s Selly? Oh, just got a text from her. Yes, I will go on msn, m’lady. I am listening to Johnny Thunders. And then we party.

That’s pretty far out, man

If my debit card doesn’t come tomorrow, I’m gonna make you wear a little dress and hurt you.
If SRO don’t get back to anyone, I’m gonna make you wear a little dress and hurt you.

I want to buy things on the internets and I want to go to London and meet some idols. Come onnn!

Drinky drinky throw-up disease

I didn’t so much take up the freshers offers as insist on throwing flyers at bar staff and getting them to “surprise me”. Many obliged. The attractive barman in Revolution did not get accosted by Amber, unlucky scamp. We started off in Slain’s where we had some Seven Deadly Sins cocktails. There’s something nice about going up to the bar and asking, “Can I get Greed and Envy please?”. It was here that Amber astounded us with her knowledge of all things cultural by telling us about Russell Brand at the VMAs…
Amber: “Did either of yous watch any of it?”
Me: “Nah, didn’t bother, I’m waiting for him to start being funny again…”
Laura: “I saw bits of it…”
Amber: “I thought he was really good. He kept mentioning Chaka Khan…”
Me: “Oh right, what was he saying?”
Amber: “Just how we should all vote for him.”
We sat in baffled silence for a few seconds, me and Baz exchanging confused glances at each other.
Me: ”Did you just confuse Chaka Khan with Barack Obama?” 

We have come to the conclusion that while Stuart will be an asset to our pub quiz team, Amber will merely be an ass to the team. But gawd love ‘er. We’ll need a name. Perhaps Future Sailors.
Then it was off Siberia, then Revolution, then the scuzzy, scuzzy Priory. I’m glad I didn’t apply for the job there. Being in that building made me depressed and I’m not sure why. I think it’s because it’s so small and pathetic and… a club, really. Maybe my subconscious was going “This building is symbolic of Aberdeen, now get yer arse to London.” (This will probably be discussed more in a bit.)
Amber planned the last of her night to me outside, “Right, I’ll finish my fag, I’ll go to the toilet, we’ll go find Baz, get some chips then a taxi. So that’s fag, piss, Baz, food, taxi!” And we did. We stick to plans. Go team.

This morning, I woke up at about 11.30 and threw up then felt better. Jill phoned at about 12.30 and said she’d be home in an hour and asked if I wanted to meet her at the station. I told her I’d go get some change for the bus and go for it. On the bus, I continued to feel like my body hated me and just managed to refrain from throwing up. The panicky about-to-be-sick thoughts went through my head. “Where’s the nearest public toilet/McDonalds? Oh, we’re not even off King Street… that’ll be nowhere then… I’ll get off at Zavvirgin and go down the dodgy steps to the dodgy area where there’ll be no people…” So I did. And did a sick by a skip and behind a van. Don’t think anyone saw, but again, I felt better. I also felt unbelievably classy. What a cock. So I got to the station, had a reunion hug with Jill, then we went for food. I felt sick again, but managed to not be. We stayed in town for a good few hours, then got the bus home. Who should join us but Baz and Amber? Christy, can’t get away from them! I felt I was going to vomit at given moment, but AGAIN somehow managed to hold it back. It just meant that I wasn’t very animated. I walked up the lane and puked behind a garage. Winner. What a dick.

We were meant to be going out again tonight. Nothing insane, just meeting up with Keri after work at the Mains for a catch-up with Jill, but it would transpire that it’s not going ahead. Sadly, I feel up for it now, but I suppose it’s for the best. I would have stuck to the soft drinks though.

To other news: Things That People Have Googled To Get To This Blog are making me laugh again. We’ve got the standard “Noel Fielding” and “Jeremy Irons Anthony Andrews”. Interestingly, I’ve had “Ingredients for Flirtinis” (incidentally, it’s champagne, vodka, pineapple juice and a cherry garnish, whoever you may be) and “Rich Fulcher + Swoon”. Yes. Correct. To my delight, “Jazz On My Face” brought three people here and worryingly, “penis erected” brought one lone soul.

I got paid today. It’s odd seeing more than £500 in my account. I know to you sophisticated individuals that’s not a lot, but it makes me happy. £500 nearer the London goal. Although, I don’t think the serious saving will occur until January, when all my Booshy/Jarvis/traveling misadventures are over.

I’m going to leave you with a picture of Bobby Gillespie and a camera.

Yep.

Flyin’ around New York City so high, like he was my baby

I should maybe start writing here. I’ve had this page open for over an hour now, but forgot about it. I’ve been perving on Booshiness. Is good.

Right. Again, not been up to too much. Yesterday, me and Baz went on an adventure/to a garden centre. We bought a Venus Fly Trap. Then we had a chinese, Pimm’s and cake. We were gonna go into town to do the Slain’s pub quiz, but we ended up watching the Boosh live instead. I must get my dvd back off Andrew. I miss that backstage feature. So, yeah, we just stayed in instead. That The Family show came on afterwards and we watched it and dismissed the entire thing as a set-up. We were quite amused by the fact that one of the kids is a nutter and just does whatever she likes, but the boy smashed a glass by accident and almost shit himself. I was waiting for one of the parents to shout “MY GLASS! MY GLASS! MY FAVOURITE DISHWASHER SAFE GLASS!” and throw him out of the house, but surprisingly it didn’t happen.

Today was both amusing and angering. Is ‘angering’ a word? Yes… but like “He was angering a badger…” whereas I mean maddening. Why didn’t I type that in the first place? Fuck it. Yeah, so, I was awoken by a text from Baz at 10.20am saying “are you in town yet?” as I’d planned to meet her at 10.30. Shitnuts. I told her I was running late, so met her at 11.30 instead. She was in Starbucks with some people she’s just met from her course. They were sat in silence, it was awkward, but I’m sure that’ll pass once they’ve known each other a few weeks. So, we left and went to the bookshop where I spoke to lovely Joan, but couldn’t find the Boosh book. I told her I’d been reading it downstairs the other day, so she told me to run down and get it. I enjoyed being down there knowing I wasn’t working. Bought it from Pam and then fooked off. We met up with Amber and ended up going to the RGU Freshers Fayre. This was my opportunity to shine. Free pens, ahoy! (Don’t let the fact I’m not a student get in the way of this though.) Anyway, went in and were immediately accosted by a man telling us to sign up to the Priory mailing list and that they were looking for staff. Everything was asking for course names. I shoved down ‘Law’. Heh heh heh. Fools. Wandered around, accumulating various things that entitled us to free drinks and entry to several places. We came across the W-stone’s stall where I spoke to my comrades, then wandered around some more being given more free stuff and crying “Free shit!” whenever a new goodie bag was handed to us. I’ve managed to blag me a student card for the Lemon Tree (usually costs £20, apparently) and a membership card to the BIG L, MIN!!! (oh dear god)
I ended up filling out some loyalty card forms for family members and being used as a “Look, she works for us and even she’s signing up!” role model. Lovely. Then we left. Sorry that was so brief, but it wasn’t as fun as it could’ve been, so would have been even more dull just reading about it.

On the bus home is where the anger comes in. We were all having a jovial time and enjoying the Mighty Book of Boosh immensely (Well done, Dave Brown, you lovely ragamuffin) when two NED twats we know got on the bus. They sat behind us and proceeded to spit bits of paper out of straws at people in front of us. We rolled our eyes but they didn’t bother us. Then, as we came to Amber’s stop, they threw shit at her, so we had a go at them. (“Everybody hates you…” was said. Well done, Noel Fielding, you lovely ragamuffin) As she left, she threw the remainder of her drink over them and me and Laura sniggered. One of them, who has lived on my street for as long as I can remember his overweight, hideous presence started shouting at her and his lackey showered everyone in Smarties. Smooth. The threats the kid from my street was making were hilarious, for example, “Aye, see on Halloween? You’d better watch your windows…”
1. Oh shit, blad, are you gonna do something to her property in OVER A MONTH’S TIME?! Gasp!
2. You don’t know where she lives.
3. When you get off the bus, stand on the road and wait for the cavalry. But let me watch, I want to see your body pop under the tyres and throw my head back and laugh.
They’re little worthless, uneducated twats, but nevertheless, I felt angry enough to punch a goat. And I like goats. I wish I’d punched one of them in the face. It would have made me feel fantastic.
I don’t think I’m normally so hateful, but sweet jesus, these people don’t deserve to live. They are the stain and I want the bleach.

Anyway, after that delightful display that shows me in a hideous light, I’m off to take up several of these drinks offers. We may have one of those nights where we try to spend nothing at all. I think we’ll fail and end up buy 60p drinks. If you fail, we all fail.

No time-wasters

So I left the last entry pretty vague. I’ve seen this advert in the paper for “Programmer for music and comedy” at the Lemon Tree.
It says, “Are you passionate about the performing arts, with a particular interest in music and comedy?”
Yes. Music and comedy seem to be my only passions these days…
“If so, you could be the person we are looking for!”
Oh, that’s good.
“Another exciting opportunity has arisen within Aberdeen Performing Arts for a music and comedy programmer to join the team at the Lemon Tree. You will work closely with the Artistic Director and have extensive knowledge of bands and comedians at local, national and international levels.“
Can do, captain.
“You will have exceptional communication and negotiating skills, and ideally you will have gained some experience of booking events in an arts venue.”
Oh… Let’s ignore the experience part.

Anyway, I doubt I’d get that, but I’ll apply anyway. If by some bizarre twist of fate, I did end up getting it, I’d probably be terrible at it, but at least it’d be enjoyable and I could learn a few things. The Lemon Tree is the place all the comedians go too when they’re not quite big enough for the Music Hall, even some that are play the Tree instead. Russell Howard only played the Music Hall last time because the Lemon Tree had been shut down, but now it’s back. Anyway, this all makes for dull reading, so I’ll move on.

Had an odd dream last night. The Boosh are invading my dreams again. Bastards. I was back at school and for some reason, the Boosh were performing special gigs for just people who went to my school but in some posh castle type place. Anyway, for some reason, outside, someone had planted a bomb in my bass and on some bus I was on, so I went “Goodbye, I love you!” and kissed the bass before throwing it away from me and everyone else. Then I calmly got off the bus, went into the hall in the castle where the Boosh were supposed to be performing and wandered around at the back where I came across Dave and Rich, who I spoke to, then ended up having a group hug while Rich shouted “GROUPIE HUG, GROUPIE HUG!” and this brought up the topic of Eleanor. Then I told Dave about the Book of Boosh perving I’ve been doing at work. THEN I spotted the Berry in Bainbridge gear, minus the ‘tache and with his hair all normal. I ended up talking to him, he said he was supposed to be on the entire tour, but this was his first night and he was nervous. I told him I tended to make a twat of myself every time I’ve met him and demand a hug each time, but wouldn’t this time, but ended up hugging him and wishing him good luck before the show was supposed to begin. Even dream-me is lame.
THEN, me, Jill, Laura and two guys I can’t remember who they were made our way to the front row. We were sat in like… pews at a church with the stage right in front of us. Everyone had a laptop and apparently before the show we were all supposed to watch some introduction to it on youtube or something, but no-one could get it to work. This American woman turned up ten minutes later and had a go at me and my friends for not being able to get it working. I had an argument with her and she sent me out of the room, but everyone cheered ‘cos I’d slow clapped her and this was the final straw. It was hella strange. Think I woke up pretty soon after that. I think it’s watching Jam (I’m shocked that it’s £25 on play.com when I got it for £20 in HMV. HMV cheaper than play?! What the eff?) before bed. Fucking with your head, yeah?

That was far too long-winded, but I know I’ll forget it if I don’t write it down! Or type it up for the pedants. OH! That reminds me, I was on the stats page for this here blog this morning and discovered that I had 138 hits the other day. This is mind-boggling as the most I’ve ever had before that was about 40, but apparently if you mention Noel Fielding and have pictures of him and lovely Julian, your ratings’ll sky-rocket! Anyway, I also noticed this in the incoming links section. #17. I did a proud all over my lameness. It’s also quite surreal that so many people have read about my pathetic litle life!

Dull life things that have happened since my last entry; I’m waiting on my debit card to arrive. Finally upgraded my bank account the other day because I have too many things I want to buy online. It’s good though ‘cos it means I can book Travelodges and silly trips to London on the Megabus. Planning on doing so for the IT Crowd filmings whenever they may be. Ooh, that reminds me that hopefully in November, Aberdeen will be graced (that wasn’t intended to be a pun, but I’m gonna pretend I meant to) with the presence of Gracie and Sawyer and possibly Selly and Kerry. In conclusion: strong traces of win. Road trip. Spring break. Woo woo! Also, me and Selly might go see Jarvis in Sheffield. Road trip. Spring break. Woo woo!
And the costs aren’t too bad… Apparently, all I’d need…
Megabus to LDN and back: £34
Travelodge: About £25
Jarvis tickets: £17.50
Megabus to Sheffield and back: £2 (mdmazing)
So that’s £78.50 in all. That’s not too bad at all! But I’ll think on.

I’ll leave you with this. I like this guy, ‘cos he did an Adam and Joe/Flight of the Conchords mix, but he’s just done the Berry mix, it’s so good. Especially the ending. Excellent use of two-twins-and-a-snake. “Two twins and a snake…” is one of those phrases I say to fill silences. Or when I don’t know the answer to a question. Thank you, Sir Charles.

Round One: You know who you are when you’re you

So… Well… Right… I see…
Yesterday. Wow. Funtimes. Byeeee!

I don’t think I could do that actually or else I’d explode. Yesterday started off beautifully. I awoke early, had a shower and met up with Baz to go to the ‘Burgh. I’ll skip all that for now though ‘cos it was like any three hour journey. We got in pretty early and went for food, then a taxi dropped us off at the wrong Travelodge, so we made our own way there. We got inside and it was an old huge converted house so the room was massive. Usually I’d divulge lots of pointless information about this, but I just can’t bring myself to not move on at the moment…

After a while we made our way into town and went to Matthew’s work where we waited for Morven. When she arrived, all four of us went to grab some more food and some drinks just down the road from the theatre. While sitting there, we saw several people dressed up and heading to the venue. It was all very exciting! At about 7.20, we made our way over and went inside.

Right, here’s the point where I say SPOILERS AHEAD!!! and FOR GOD’S SAKE, GRACIE, STOP READING!!! I’ll let you know when it’s over by the cunning use of these little buggers: ####### Starting… now!

 

 

 
So, we got in and decided we’d get merchandise at the interval. We took to our seats, seven rows from the front and waited. Me and Laura spotted someone in full Bollo gear in the front row and respected him deeply, but does no-one listen to Dave? You don’t know what it’s like for him! Anyway, we got suitably nervous/excited and soon the lights were lowered. Everyone went a bit mad and an announcement was put out to welcome the stage manager, Bob Fossil. Rich came out to cheers and made everyone laugh by being a dick. He managed to make a link to Future Sailors and the curtains were pulled back to reveal Noel coming onto the stage in a huge boat while Julian was in a dinghy. Julian forgot his mic, so someone ran on and gave it to him, they cracked up (he forgot it again later too). Now, a lot of this is a bit hazy to me as I was in awe of the whole thing. As I said to Jubey earlier, recently I’ve kind of been feeling overwhelmingly indifferent about the Boosh. I think I’d overdone it in the past and with the third series not meeting expectations, I was worried about what the live show would be like. BUT when Julian and Noel were merely metres away from me, all the old feelings of adoration came back. I was watching people who had been my idols for years performing new material in front of my very eyes. It was fantastic.

Now, I can’t remember all of this in order, so I’m afraid I might just have to list highlights…
-”What are you talking about… Howard? I nearly called you Julian, but no-one noticed.”
-The guy dressed as Bollo in the front row being told he was fantastic and that he should claim his free program.
-Mike and Bollo being introduced and coming out and rapping, Naboo started “I love pussy, I love pussy every day…” then Howard and Vince pulled the plug saying “You can’t say that at a Boosh gig! There’s loads of girls here!” He hit Howard several times in the face, comedic. Mike forgot his first line and everyone was delighted. And his turban fell off. He fired Bollo too.
-Vince revealed he’s the new face of Jean Claude Jacquettie and spoke some truly inspirational words… of nonsense. He also showed his huge new hairdryer (that he would later ride onto the stage on) that had several different levels. He’d only just tried level one and two (one dries your hair in a second and two removes all your folicles, puts them onto a cockerel, takes a polaroid of you and it and then puts all your hair back on your head) but gave three a whirl. It blew all of Bobby Bob Bob’s hair off.
-The version of ‘Eels’ that was far too long. But the Hitcher did resurrect Jimi Hendrix to play on it, so that’s good. [Edit: 2 days later in Glasgow and this has apparently all changed. More on that later...]
-The moon and his 99 Problems, 4 of them are catering.
-Tony Harrison’s chat-show and the hilarity of him disappearing down the couch. Turns out this wasn’t deliberate but Fielding couldn’t hold himself up for long periods of time. He brought on his comedian friend, Krakow, played by Rich who was very funny.
-Crimps that they cracked up during, so it was sort of hard to hear what they were saying, but they were slagging off the Honey Monster. “Yellow wanker” was definitely said!
-Howard’s attempts to get Vince back for slagging him off were awesome.
-”Why didn’t you use the big yellow foot pump? …that’s the gayest line in the show. *Minces* Why didn’t you use the big yellow foot pump?!”
-Howard’s stand-up act mainly consisted of “Heyyy, where ya from?” and “Learning and laughing, learning and laughing.” I learned a lot. And I laughed.
-The final part of the first half consisted of the Honey Monster turning up and everyone in the audience booed (surreal. as. fuck.) and Vince riding in on the massive hairdryer again and shouting “LEVEL FIVE!” at Fossil, who turned it up. It blew the monster’s head off, confetti came out and they moved the head to the top of their podium.

At the interval, I bought a program and left Laura to check out tshirts while I went and got drinks. Nothing exciting…
The second half was bizarrely good. It consisted of Howard putting on a production of a play to raise awareness of the companies putting the world at risk (He said something about “you know who I mean, Starbucks… Texaco…” and someone shouted out “Topshop!” like a caveman, everyone laughed, including Julian) and global warming and THE FUTURE. I won’t go too into it, but it involved some good ol’ rustic Boosh cheapness (Howard narrating that in the future, fire came. Vince rushed out in ‘theatre blacks’ with an orange sheet waving it and going “I am fire!” – later Howard says something about the silence, to which Vince comes dancing onstage whispering “I am silence”. Julian says that’s not actually in the script anymore and Noel replies, “It’s still in mine… dick.”)
There were mutants an’ all, “What are we? Are we James Mason? The best men shave twice a day, the best men shave twice a day!”
Oh, Howard’s Jazz On My Face pictures are to die for. I actually did die a bit. Howard Moon fucking a trumpet. I was not ready for that, but I’d like to see it more.
Basically, I got a bit lost and didn’t know when it ended! Noel came on as Vince but part unicorn and calling himself Sunflash, speaking Chavese (half Chav, half chinese) and kept forgetting his lines and just repeating “I am from the futchaaah…” in his little camp Chavese voice. His sidekick robot, Fulcher, came out with his big metal cock. They said they’d help out the mutants and it led to the line “If your life is shit, just learn to accessorise.”

I know I’m forgetting key things, but just can’t think, so I apologise profusely. It’ll all come flooding back. They finished with Rich as the bingo-caller introducing Nanageddon, then they did Charlie. Actual Charlie came onstage too, but sadly Bainbridge was not there to dance…

[-Edit-
Right, so the changes to the show I've heard about are...
There's no corpse of Jimi Hendrix now, instead, we have Rudi.
There was no Eleanor at our show, but apparently she's doing the bingo numbers now.
The Crack Fox resurrects the Hitcher. He wasn't even there, guy!]

 

###############################################
Then we left. I bought a Bobby Bob Bob tshirt (it’s awesome, but the neck is too small so it’s hard to put on, I’ll change it in October. Sadly this means I can’t wear it ’til then…) and we decided we’d try our luck at meeting the guys. There were SHITLOADS of people at the stage door and we waited for a few minutes. We were all ready to leave when a security guy came out and told us to make a path leading to the other side of the van. This didn’t really work. But soon, there were cheers and out emerged Julian.

He shouted “I’m middle aged!” and laughed as he went past us so god knows what he was responding to. Then he gave out some hugs and kisses (only on’t cheek, mind) to various girls, so I got in on the action whilst telling him he was my favourite and I swear I nearly died. Laura got lost behind the crowd and shouted “Julian, shake my hand!” and thrust her hand at him, he chuckled and obliged despite the fact he could only see a hand.

We lost him in the scrum and turned around to see Dave and Mike walking towards us. Mike just sort of beamed at everyone and said hi to them all too. Some girl jumped on Dave and said “DAVE! You deserve a hug!”
I looked him in the eye from over her shoulder and went “DAVE!

You deserve to have me irritatingly flash my camera at you!” He grinned and thanked me, then said thanks for coming too.

He got pushed past me, as did Mike, but he was followed by Noel and about a million people. I’d said to Laura earlier that I was going to make sure I said “Noel, where’s Julian?” to him at some point, but as I’d already seen the Ju, I went for “Noel! Noel! Where’s Rich?!” I don’t think he heard, but I spotted him frantically signing things for people whilst being slowly pushed towards the van. He looked quite stressed as he wanted to make sure everyone got what they wanted but knew he couldn’t do so. I went over and said “Hi Rich…”, he didn’t look up from his signing and just said “Hi.” then he looked at me, grinned and went “Oh hey!” and laughed as someone thrust a picture of them and him (apparently from earlier on that day) into his hand for him to sign. He kept saying “sorry sorry sorry!” but I’m not sure who to. What a lovely guy though, you could tell he wanted to stay and talk to people, but couldn’t. Laura took another photo, it’s not as funny as the last one though. And he’s not looking, what a dick :D

He got pushed away so I didn’t even get to say bye, let alone have a chat with him. As he got into the van, Fielding started waving at us from inside it. The windows were slightly tinted, but we could still see in. He was blowing kisses and stuff and posing for photos that didn’t come out. There was one guy with a camera phone that he was posing for by pressing his face right up to the glass. I am pleased to report that Laura bloody Barrie managed to get a pretty decent photo of that very shot.

The van went off as Noel continued blowing kisses at everyone and Dave gave the horns and pulled his well ‘ard face. Then the squares followed the van whilst we went to hit the pub.
It was only then that Laura pointed out that when she was talking to Mike, in the scrum, her camera must have zoomed in by itself. Anyway, the result is a rather hilarious picture…

I’ve done far too many lols at that today.

We were waiting to hear from Clara five minutes later when we saw Peter Kyriacou. I think he missed everyone though, poor guy!

Anyway, two minutes later, I was drinking flaming drinks and fearing for my face and then we went to Cabaret Voltaire. For one drink. The rest of the time was spent with cocktails at the Voodoo lounge. Nice. In the cab to the hotel, I spotted an umbrella and decided I was having that. We went to bed, delighted with ourselves, but saddened that our next Boosh trip isn’t until October.

Today we awoke and left early. We disposed of the stolen umbrella at the theatre with a note attached, “Use wisely. (This may or may not have been stolen from a taxi)” I hope it goes to a good home. Then we made our way to our good home. I came in, started writing this, went out, watched Empire Records and left feeling blue. I must do something with my life and I’ve got a newspaper cutting that might lead to something. It’s nice to dream.

 

 

 

Flirtinis all round

Despite it being my birthday on Monday, not a lot has happened. When did everything suddenly get so dull? I don’t even have anything to rant about!

Monday was nice though. I apparently had to open stuff before the father went to work, so was downstairs by 7am. Gaaah! Bleary eyed, I stumbled upon the mother’s artwork on the computer

and her decorations. Bless ‘er. She even made a cake. And it was delicious.

Anyway, we both went into town, bought some lunch, went to the cinema and then to the bank. At 5, I was work-bound and mentioned that it was my Geburtstag to nobody. At 8.10, me, the mother and the father went out for a late meal. On returning home, I told Jill and Baz to come up. They showered me with gifts of amusing proportions. The highlights being a ghost-from-Pacman necklace with tshirt to match from Jill and a make-your-own-pony-puppet from Baz. Ace. Actually, that’s a lie. My most notable present from Laura was a Flirtini glass and she had the ingredients with her to make me a flirtini (minus cherry garnish) so did exactly that. My first legal drink. Ace (#2).

Yesterday I did nothing but work. Today, I did the same, but at a more relaxed pace. Also had a very amusing Gentlemen’s club related chat and later a Stephen Fry one with Pete.

I’ve just seen that Jarvis has announced three (possibly more, but ticketweb’s only showing three) tour dates (Sheffield, London, Birmingham) in November. The only one I’d be able to go to is Sheffield. HAIDERE SELLY, I CAN HAS UR FLOOR PLZ? ‘Cos the London one is the day before I have a gig, so couldn’t get back in time and the Birmingham one, I think, is the day I go see Russell Howard. Who knows? (Well… me if I could bother my arse to check the ticketweb site again…)

Right, I’m off for a bath, in which I will watch the Libertine. Yes, watching a dvd in the bath. This is insania… to me. Speaking of which, I bought it yesterday (along with Network, woot!) for £10. I was getting all excited about it being the first 18 certificate dvd I would buy legally, but I didn’t even get asked for ID. Ah well, next time!

Right (#2), head hurts, hair needs cut, Boosh tomorrow. (Oh yeah, I knew there was something I was forgetting to mention…) I’m actually really looking forward to it. First night of the tour… it’ll be nice to see the show blossom… Full update when I get back on Friday.