All day and all of the night [26/100]

This is terrible. I’ve not been doing it long and I’m already running out of interesting words and settling for ones that sound moderately amusing, which is just not what you deserve, o reader!

So, perhaps each blog should be started with something new. A drawing? A riddle? A joke? Who knows? I’ll try and think of a moderately original (but probably not) thing to do soon though.

Oh god, it’s Boxing Day. What is Boxing Day? I find myself wondering that every year. Also, I feel weirdly depressed about it annually. I think it’s probably just the comedown from Christmas, but this year, it’s a double whammy as it’s a Saturday, which means work in the morning. O woe. I don’t enjoy Saturdays. Baz sent a text earlier to ask if I’d be up for Exodus times tonight. Strangely, I did feel up for it. This is only peculiar because I’m so pathetic at getting up in the morning that I never dare go out on a Saturday night. I’m not gonna bother though because it’s effort to get into town and I am lazy. I think part of my rubbish mood has been due to not seeing any of my friends and just being stuck in the house, so John’s gonna come over tonight and we’ll watch Dylan Moran’s new dvd. Lovely. This is his first tour in a while that I didn’t get the chance to see, so that’ll be good fun.

We did end up going visiting yesterday. The pavements are ridiculously icy, so most of the time was spent walking on the road. I was with my mother and father, both nearly fell several times and I had to grab them. I was so paranoid something like this would happen because I think about things too much. That story made me shudder. It was something that totally could have been avoided and was so simple, but astonishing. Death by falling over? That’s a worrying thought. Thankfully, we got to the Forbes household safely and were told many stories. My uncle regaled us with one about the day his friend’s brother got into a fight with Brian Blessed in the car park of a pub in Fort William. I wish I’d seen that…

I should get off the computer before I start buying things. I’m not gonna get lax with the savings! I wish the Apple Store had a boxing day sale though… Macbook, please… I think I’m going to rebrand Boxing Day as Box-set day. I should buy Life On Mars and… other things I can’t remember. Now off to watch House and work on my limp. You’ve got to learn from the best.

John Carpenter

“There’s more of gravy than of grave about you” [25/100]

verjuice (VUR-joos) – literally, the sour juice of unripe fruits, especially crab apples and grapes. Figuratively, verjuice is sourness of temperament, disposition or expression. It is the hallmark of a curmudgeon (or Scooge, if you want to get into the swing of things).
And we all know it, but just as a follow-on, curmudgeon (kur-MUJ-in) comes from the French couer méchant, meaning ‘wicked heart’.

Ho ho ho, adequate festivus! I hope Santa (or SantaPanda) has been kind to you. SantaPanda is what I am going to put on my christmas cards next year. This was spawned by a conversation I had with Lee yesterday, where he told me of a friend of his who wanted a panda for christmas. He’d told them that Santa would have a bit of a tough job trying to get it over in his sleigh without being mauled. This led to discussion of a panda going mental and killing Santa, then taking over the present-sharing duties himself. Instead of old Père Noël creeping into the rooms of sleeping children (careful now) and quietly, undistubingly placing their stockings (careful now) onto the ends of their beds, we’d have a giant panda quietly crawling up the stairs, only to knock down the children’s door, much like an aggressive drunk, growl and attack them.
This is what I believe SantaPanda to look like, complete with torn-off beard in paw…

Ahem… anyway…
After the fun of last night (I’d forgotten that whilst trying to push the car, Ryan did the most prolonged fall in the history of falls, it is definitely the best thing I’ve seen all year. I also, at one point shouted, “Who do you think I am? Geoff Capes?!”) I got home, decided to listen to, appropriately enough Panda Bear’s album, Person Pitch very loudly, then watch the Muppet Christmas Carol again. I woke up at 5am, sadly not because I was excited for it being christmas, but because I had this really bloody irritating cough. I did that thing, where you lie in bed thinking “Should I go and get a drink/something that will stop this? Nah, it’ll pass…” for an hour and ten minutes before getting a drink of water. Then everything was fine and I slept until 10am.

I greeted my mother and we went downstairs. My dad was there, sat amongst the presents, somehow resisting the urge to open everything. We all did so eventually, but there’s far too many things to mention.
I’m glad that it’s got to that stage where my friends and I will all buy each other ridiculous things. For example, Keri got me a freakin’ singing pillow. You can plug your iPod into it and everything, it’s unnecessary and hilarious, I love it.
Jill got me a very sweet necklace, which made me feel bad for just getting her shit that she didn’t need but would make her laugh. Then I opened the final present from her which turned out to be…

That sod-hat! It made me laugh also.
Baz’s presents to me included a book that we’ve been selling at work that Pete has shuddered at, but I, as a female, have naturally swooned at…

Again, much hilarity ensued. (Especially later, whilst on the phone to the sister, discovering that Kenan of Kenan and Kel was in it. Say whaaaaat?)

The best thing came from Amber, though. Not only did she get me Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus on dvd, but she also bought me something I’d completely forgotten about, something that I spotted in a charity shop window whilst walking down George Street with her and insisted we stopped and stared in awe at…
Yes, that’s right, the Donald Trump board game…

That magnificent… piece of headwear! I can’t wait to play it, quite frankly…

I got this amazing brown dressing gown from my parents that feels like a massively excessive fur coat. I do not believe I’ve owned a dressing gown since I was a toddler. I’ve been swanning around the house with it on all day as if I was some wannabe-diva from yesteryear, but also feel a bit like mix between that hideous character Bonnie Langford plays in Bugsy Malone and Jackie Stallone…


“Yeah, Brackie…”

All of the above things are pretty awesome, as is everything I’ve received today, but there has been one more highlight that came in the form of a gift from my Granny…
I opened it. It was a jar full of Cadbury’s buttons and white chocolate buttons  and Minstrels.

I didn’t notice the Minstrels at first and thought that it was lovely that she’d bought me a jar of buttons. That alone, was very sweet. Then mother told me she’d once briefly mentioned to Granny that I liked eating milk chocolate ones immediately followed by white chocolate ones and I realised that she hadn’t bought them, but had taken my Granda’s old sweet jar and filled it herself. This made it even lovelier, the fact that she’d gone to the effort of putting it together and had given me something that used to belong to my Granda. I was, and still remain, genuinely touched. God bless us, every one.

We’ve just watched Dr Who. I think David Tennant and John Simm should be in everything. Especially Simm. Playing villains too. Exciting.
Off round to see my auntie, uncle and cousin now.
Hope you’ve had a lovely day, gang. See you on the other side. xx

X-Eve [24/100]

I have five minutes to write this before it stops being christmas eve. I’ll do two words of the day tomorrow (CHRISTMAS!). We have, technically, entered the dregs of christmas eve… strap yourself in…

Had an insanely lovely day at work. I should sign up to work the eve of christmas every year. Good atmosphere, lovely people.

I joined my comrades at the pub after work for a light celebration. Bazzles took the car. Several beverages were consumed and it was more than great. Met lots of people I’d not seen in months too.

When the pub shut, we slid to the car, which wouldn’t move out of the empty car park. Several failed attempts to push it were made, which mainly resulted in Rory, Ryan, John and myself slipping on the ridiculous ground. At one point, Baz announced she was going to reverse. At which, I shouted to a floored John, “JOHN! GET UP!” as he was right behind the car.

I think she crashed into his face.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
X

I ain’t afraid of no ghost [22/100]

mussitation – (mus-ih-TAY-shun) muttering to oneself in a very low voice, if any or soundlessly making speaking movements.

It’s been a strange couple of days. This christmas lark is stressful. Work has been a bit mad, but there’s been a lot of staff in, so that’s been sort of lovely and has provided lots of hilarity. Well done, gang.

I went into town with my dad before work yesterday as he had the day off. We went for lunch and then he bought some books from the shop for mother’s christmas, then we had another sit down and some hot chocolate. It was really nice, actually…
It was on Sunday that I realised I like the shop most at christmas time because it’s ridiculously busy and everyone seems to be in a good mood. People, even if they’re stressed at christmas shopping, seem to not be so dickish as usual. Well, I’ve not encountered as many pricks than normal anyway…

Today, I was working a shift I’ve never done before, 12.30-9. I didn’t think anything was worse than 11.30-8, but it appears I was wrong. So tiring. Especially annoying that I got a bus at 11.20 this morning and didn’t actually get to work until 1.10pm. Curse you snow… and also BARROWMAN! [fist shake]
I had a half hour break at 3pm and then my lunch hour at 6.30pm. Mmm… fake lunch. I spent the hour wisely, by heading out to buy a present for my secret santa. I bumped into Lee on the way and he joined me and was in awe of the selection of tiny beers available in the shop I ended up at.
Good ol’ father came into town to pick me up from work and take me to Baz’s. God knows how long it woulda taken to get home otherwise. Snow is delightful to look at and occasionally play in, but it’s a pain in the arse. I got there, exchanged some presents, couldn’t be bothered anymore and felt bad for Jill, so came home. I would like to move away soon, please. But first, let’s do this whole christmas thing!

Little Things [21/100]

epizeuxis – (ep-ih-ZOOK-sis) the immediate repetition of a word for the sake of emphasis. “Hear hear!”, “Well well!”, etc (etc).

A number of tiny things that have happened to me recently have made me feel both perplexed and amused, but ultimately moderately entertained for a couple of minutes. Here are some of those things…

-I couldn’t sleep purely because, even in the pitch blackness, I could sense that my bin was too close to my bed. I moved it, then tripped over the lid on my way back to bed.

-I said to my dad that I enjoy it when people criticised others for being pretentious but spell it wrong. We both said, “With a ‘c’!” and threw our heads back and laughed at the same time. Am I in Frasier now?

-I (think) I invented two words by accident. One is ‘ridicules’ which is actually pronounced like a cross between ‘ridiculous’ and ‘Hercules’, but can also be substituted for ‘ridonkules’ if you’re in the habit of, for some ungodly reason, saying ‘ridonkulous’. The second one is ‘Count Dudeula’. I have found it to be the best way to start text messages to friends, “Count Dudeula! What time are we meeting at the designated meeting place?”
I would like these to catch on. Do with them what you will.

-I genuinely had to take five minutes out of my busy life (ie: I had to pause the podcast I was listening to to give the thought my full attention) to try and remember if I can swim or not. No conclusion has been reached. I’ve not been swimming since I was 10 years old and I’m pretty sure I nearly drowned then…

[This is my go-to blog that I was to use when feeling guilty about missing a day. I apologise that it's very short, I've to do another one in a moment... Not my fault, broken bastard internet.]

We smiled at the trees [19/100]

pachydermatous – (pak uh DUR muh tus) a familiar term for elephant and certain other thick-skinned animals that are hoofed and do not chew their cud. This is probably mentioned in crazy Leviticus somewhere, my favourite of all books of the bible for sheer LOL-value.

Yesterday was lots of fun.
I woke up and watched some tv, as is my right as a human being and layabout, then got a call from John. We planned to go into town, but were both running late. I thought he was at the bus stop before me as I saw a figure smoking there, but upon closer inspection, it turned out to be an old man. I have no idea what we managed to do for the few hours we were there, but I reckon my attempts at paying in money to my bank account via the magic machine in Alliance and Leicester must have taken up a good two of them.
They always say to me when I deposit monies, “You know you can use the machine?”
I always nod and think “Pfft, never gonna do that… Technology!” but yesterday I decided would be the big day as I had moral support from John. Apparently, though, it only liked £40 of my money and the rest wasn’t good enough, so I had to hand it in to an actual human anyway. Never trust machines. Except… I’m writing this on a machine… or is it writing for me? We may never know. I bet it craftily edits these posts behind my back once I’ve submitted them. Bastard.
It had been lightly snowing since we’d been at the bus stop; that pathetic, tiny-flake snow that never amounts to much. We described it as the type of snow you say, “Ooh! It’s snowing!” about, but it stayed like that for most of the day instead of turning into a mad flurry like what’s supposed to happen.
We went to Slains for food where we managed to gossip (John is well Sex and the City) for a good hour and a half. Then we attempted to catch a bus home. By this point, it had really started to snow. It wasn’t sticking in town as it’s all concrete, but eventually, when we got on the bus forty minutes later and made our way to the Bridge of Don, it looked really thick. Madness! Snow! In actual winter as opposed to June?! What happened to that lovely global warming we’d been having?

By the time I got home, it was 6pm and I’d had a text from Steve to say he’d be onstage at 8ish, so I headed round to Amber’s and we were driven to the AECC, which was nice, considering it was freezing. We headed to the box office where I picked up our tickets and then looked at where we were sitting and thought, “Well, gee, that’s quite near the front, I think…”
We bought some drinks and Amber some chips and after doing a Fonz-style “‘Eeeeey!” at some guys I’d met at the bus stop earlier, we found our seats. We were in the second row, right in the middle of the stage.

Steve did good.
It turned out that Biggles was sat two rows behind us as well. Party-section.
At 8, the lights went down and Steve came on with new tales of what his dad has been up to of late. He was really very good, as usual, and I was most impressed that he even managed to make the curmudgeonly couple in front of me and Amber giggle. Well done, sir! Part of me wanted to pull Amber onto her feet and join me in a mini standing ovation, but I feel this would have been futile as you can see sod all from that stage when the lights are on.
There was a 25 minute interval in which Biggles came to talk to us and I spent most of it alone as she left and Amber queued for more drinks. I had a text from Steve to say that they were heading straight off on the bus afterwards, so there’d sadly be no time for a drink or two, but to come and find him when the gig was over.
Amber returned just before little Rusty Howard came onstage and he was also as good as anticipated. The strangest ending to a comedy show I’ve ever seen though. Some dude called Bryan (“With a ‘y’, it’s very important…”) came to the front of the stage and had balls enough to jump on and stand with Russell in some weird turn of events just to get his program signed. He said the word ‘cunt’ a lot and, the weirdest part was when Russell casually mentioned something about tourette’s, Bryan unzipped his top to reveal a tshirt that said…

It was truly, truly very strange, but Russell seemed to be loving it. Bryan left to applause and more chancers ran up to the stage. It was like Russell Brand all over again… The next girl who went up, though, I saluted. She was just there to tell him that he had a bit of hair that had been sticking up all night and she wanted to sort it out. The rest of the people were blah blah and shunted away by security. Surreal end to a gig. Hope it prompts him to come back… even though it’s weird that he’s massive now and isn’t playing at the Lemon Tree… He’s still good people!

We headed to the toilets and then braved it outside. Lots of people were waiting, but I just wanted to thank Steve for the tickets. He and Russell came out and as Russell went by, Amber asked him for a photo.
As I was taking it, I asked if he’d seen the video of that monkey riding the goat on a tightrope.

He had. Of course he fucking had.

We let him saunter off to meet the rest of his adoring public and we tracked down Steve who was signing things for people. We grabbed him when he was free and I gave him a hug and commenced talking, but he was very popular that night and everyone wanted an autograph. It was lovely!
Russell came over when he was done and Steve asked if he’d met me before, to which Mr Howard replied, “Yeah, briefly, we spoke about monkeys riding goats!”
It was a delightful end to a delightful night, but we didn’t get to talk for nearly long enough as they had to get in the bus of booze and XBox and drive straight to Sheffield. Next time, hopefully. We’ll get that drink someday!

I was looking for good clips of Steve on youtube to illustrate why you should go and see him if you get the chance and have just discovered he was recently on Russell Howard’s Good News. Really very funny, he deserves to do well… and Klang should get a second series!
Watch.

“Oh! Look! Blue ones!” [18/100]

oniomania – (oh-nee-uh-MAY-nee-uh) a mania or craze for buying things.

So, Jill and I did set out to go look at tacky lights. We figured we’d drive for about twenty minutes then return to my house, but no, we ended up going everywhere in the Bridge of Don. First we headed to Julie’s house, but were shocked to see that the lights had not been turned on! It was only 9.30!
With heavy hearts, we headed up to Middleton, but there was not much to be seen there either. Rapidly losing faith, we headed to an area we never normally go: Dubford.
But, boy, were we glad we ventured there! Inflatable snowmen! Blue lights! Flashing lights that brought on seizures! It’s what christmas is all about! We were back to being positive and full of christmas cheer by this point, so we headed to Scotstown, an area that never disappoints… We figured this would be the gold mine (and silver and read and blue), but we couldn’t have been more wrong…
Have a poor quality video that (vaguely) illustrates what we saw next…

So a street just off of Braehead Way had proven to be the most festive. We did go through everywhere else (including out of the ‘Hood, Danestone) but nothing compared to them. We’ll go back and take actual decent quality photos.
Quote of the evening courtesy of Jill, upon spotting an especially well lit exterior: “Can I go down the driveway? I want to feel like I’m going home to that…”

Today, I will foolishly venture into town with John to attempt to finish shopping. I don’t see this happening. I bet we just buy comics… Then tonight, I’m going to see little Russ Howard again, thanks to Steve. Hopefully will get to go for a drink with Mr Hall, but I’d imagine they’ll be hella busy. It’s payday though! Drinks must be had!

Oh, my present for Morven arrived today. I giggled profusely and immediately texted Matthew to tell him. It’s really special…

“Quite frankly, he mocked the homeless! …One star.” [14/100]

Pogonology – (Poh-goh-NOL-uh-jee) the study of beards.

I know my blog hates me and will date this the 14th December, but it is the 13th: my thirteenth entry, I am not cheating. I tried to think of a way to prove this, but couldn’t. I did take a photo of me with today’s paper…

…but I don’t think that really proves anything other than the fact I know news that happened as I planned on writing this.

Yesterday, after waking up to Adam and Joe, as per every Saturday, I walked and caught a bus to Tesco to buy a hasty last-minute plain white tshirt. Graeme was working, so we discussed the previous night’s antics and plans for the next few weeks. I then returned home, killed some time and got on another bus to take me into town. I got to Korova and met Lee, then eventually more Wot?!Erstone-rs trickled their way through and soon we were working our way down the street to eat. A nice tiny rhyme for you to enjoy there. In your own time.
Meal was most enjoyable and amusing, Matt became my hero of the night for the ballcrap he came out with and Shane kept his title of Most Drunk Most Quickly, but this time was sharing it with Julie, instead of Joss. At around 11pm, only Matt, Janet, Lee, Iain, Chris, Joss, Rachel and I were left so we headed to some bar that was too busy and didn’t give me a glass, so I was mocked for drinking from a can like a commoner… I decided to catch the first of the late night buses at 12.15 and as the gentleman does, Lee said he’d wait for it with me to make sure I didn’t get murdered by death. This was picked up on by my dear manager and Joss and Rachel (hey, that sounds a bit like Ross and Rachel. Will they, too, get involved in a tedious doomed relationship?) who were insistent that we were off to make sweet, ghoulish love in the graveyard opposite the pub. Nice to leave a work night out by shouting “Fuck you!” at your boss.

Today at work, everyone was in a surprisingly good mood. There wasn’t much to do and it was generally just pleasant. Not what I was expecting after, from what I gather, continued to be a late night, but it was a nice change anyway!
Whilst I was working hard making money to put the kids through college, my mother and sister had a clear-out.
When I caught up with my dear sister today, she handed me four photos they’d come across and asked, “If these were the only photos of you that someone had ever seen, do you think they would assume that you were blind?”
I cried with laughter and told her that she had a point. What do you reckon?

I like a number of things about these photos of me for some reason not looking at the camera, thus making it appear as though there is a problem with my eyes.
Let’s call the top ones 1 and 2, and the bottom 3 and 4.
I like that in 4, I’m looking pretty nonchelant despite holding a baby for probably the first time ever. Cool as.
I like that in 3, I’ve managed to look away from the camera, despite the photo being taken in a booth where the machine taking the picture is pretty hard to miss.
I like that in 2, it looks like a maudlin day for the blind birthday girl. Morven looks solemn, I look confused (“But where is the cake, mother?”) and Kyle looks on, mockingly.
But most of all, I like that in 1, I feel there should be a piano in front of me as I’m doing the Stevie Wonder face on my special day out…

Dame Judy Dench is FURIOUS with him… [13/100]

Fugle – (FYOO-gul) to fugle is to act as a model or guide.

Today I have made a return to past days with my sister. I awoke at around 10am after the postman rang the bell, twice and hella loud. We then watched videos of us from when we were little and pissed ourselves laughing. Granny I and Granda provided moments of comedy gold that made me miss them a lot. I hope there’s video evidence of me brushing granda’s hair somewhere…

We then headed into town where we purchased Lush products and I went to Slains for food before heading to work as I’d realised I’d been sat around doing nothing all day, but not eating.

I was told of what had happened after I left on Saturday night. Oh my. I wish I hadn’t gone home so early as it culminated in an encounter with a Russian prostitute in a strip club, followed by an accidental theft. Why do I miss out on all the fun? At around 7pm I started to feel really sick, so lay down for a bit after getting home. It’s now 11.10pm and my sister and I have been playing old Playstation games for over an hour again. We still kick ASS at James Bond: Nightfire. I’m putting that on my CV.

I know this is short and boring, but I’m not feeling 100% and should really go pretend to be a snowboarder or play Demolition Racer. Good day!

A-boooooo! Hisssssss! [12/100]

Brannigan – (BRAN-uh-guhn) a drinking spree. To go on a brannigan is to go on a binge (according to the book, “to go on a bender, of the lost weekend variety”. Brannigan is also another word for a petty squabble, usually over difference of opinion.

Last night, we gathered the family together (or most of them) and went to the pantomime. Seven of the eleven grandchildren/cousins were in attendance along with Granny. Mighty fine! I do love the fact that my family (on both sides) get on so well.

Granny used to take us all to the panto when we were little. I was so small that I can only vaguely remember it, but last year Morven decided we should all go again, which was ace. I like this resurrected tradition. It’s good to be able to make sarcastic comments, point out plot-holes and make up innuendos (out of Granny’s earshot, mind) as well as really join in.
“Do you believe in me, boys and girls?”
“Yes!”
“I can’t hear you, do you believe in me, boys and girls?”
“YES!!!”

This did nothing for my sore throat, but a good night was had by all. Here’s a photo of us, minus Morven who was taking it, that’s quite dark. I’ll post one from her camera when she uploads them.

[Right to Left: Graeme, Ashleigh, me, Alan, Granny, Emma and Donna]

Apologies for this being brief, I have to go and get ready for our work’s night out. I’m not really feeling up to it, due to a horrific cold, but it should be fun. I doubt I’ll stay out as late as last year’s. Ugh…