Standing down Black Squadron [23/100]

skimble-skamble – (SKIM-bul SKAM-bul) this lively adjective describes things that are confused, rambling, incoherent; like a skimble-skamble narration of a frightening experience, or a skimble-skamble explanation of something somehwat beyond the speaker’s power of comprehension.

There’s a rumour going around that Adam and Joe are not going to do their radio show anymore. I don’t know whether to believe it or not. They’ve already announced that they’re taking some time off as Joe has to go to LA and do a real job, but Saturday’s programme ended fairly emotionally, it’s easy to see why people think they might not be coming back.
Danny Wallace took over for them during the summer and while I adore him, his radio shows are sometimes a little… bland. SHHH, I DIDN’T SAY THAT! I DO REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE HIM LOTS THOUGH! ‘Yes Man’ is one of my favourite books. I swear! I hear he’ll be standing in for them again in the new year, but what’ll happen if they have left for good?

This is just how it starts, though. Russell Howard and Jon Richardson used to do a radio show together. One day, it was announced that Russell was taking a break for a while to concentrate on Mock the Week and touring, but they’d definitely continue doing the show when he was back.
Then it ended.
Since then, little Rusty has stated that he and Jon had fallen out and the last couple of months doing the radio show had been awkward and they wouldn’t talk to each other between songs. I hope they make up some day, though, because they were very very funny together. At least Richardson still does the show, which is more than can be said for Russell Brand’s Radio 2 show…

I’d loved it forever, but it started to go downhill at the end of summer 2008, though it was still entertaining. A few weeks before it finished for good, Matt had stopped turning up and it was co-hosted by various people, culminating in that fateful episode with Jonathan Ross. Matt’s absence was never really explained fully, but touched upon casually in a way that seemed to say “Don’t worry, he’ll be back in a few more weeks…”
Then it ended.

I hope this doesn’t happen to Adam and Joe. We’ve been told that they’ll definitely be back next year, but we’ve heard this before. I’m onto you, Big British Castle!
On the other hand, I hope Andrew Collin(g)s is right and that it’s just scaremongering. If it is, it’s nice that people are taking a break from trying to get people terrified of swine-flu and terrorists and the economy and concentrating on getting us worked up about something more interesting…

These a few clips of the show, the first is quite a recent piece of genius and the other two I’ve played to death but can still reduce me to tears of laughter. LORRA LORRA.

We Are The People [20/100]

galimatias – (gah-la-MAY-shee-us) [this seemed appropriate] nonsensical talk, gibberish, twaddle, confused and meaningless babble, unintelligible jargon and mishmash. Sometimes with the implication that the balderdash is not only senseless but somewhat pompous. I am so freakin’ self-aware.

[I suspect this may be one of many blogs on this subject, but I'll make it quick.]
About a week ago, I was invited by several people on Facebook to join the ‘RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOR CHRISTMAS NO.1‘ group. I giggled at the thought, then saw that the campaign was being run by Tracy, who I know off of the Twittersphere and met briefly (but it was still delightful!) in April, and her husband Jon, so I knew it was in safe hands and joined immediately.

Now, I don’t really care about who is number one for Christmas. It could be said that the whole thing stopped being interesting in about 1995, after East17 had won it. I’ve resigned myself, for the past few years, to the fact that someone from a reality tv show is going to win it and other than an eye roll and maybe even a tut, I can’t bring myself to muster up a stronger reaction. Let the people do what they want.
This year, though, I’m not quite sure why, I allowed myself to be excited by the prospect of actual rivalry for the first time in years. Plus, it was the X Factor vs. a song I quite enjoy (my first memory of it was when I was about nine(?? – schwest, back this up with facts, please? — and, whoa, brackets within brackets… maverick!), my sister and I bought a copy of either  Select or Rock Sound magazine, I can’t remember which, for a free cd because we wanted the Fun Lovin’ Criminals track that was on it. It also featured Killing In The Name and I spent a lot of time listening to it, giggling secretly and guiltily at the creative language used in it).

Because so many people had made such a big fuss against this year’s campaign, it made me want it to get to number one more than songs of the past have.
There was a bit of a backlash due to the fact that both Joe McThatguy and RATM were on the same label so Simon Cowell won either way, but I didn’t see it as that. I tried to think of an eloquent way of summing up this little bit of fun and how I feel about it to John when we were in town the other day because he’d said something about somebody in his class talking about it being a pathetic act of rebellion and I disagreed with that. I couldn’t really sum up my irrelevent little thoughts. Still, the best I could come up with is:
I’ll support it. I don’t see it as this big stand against Cowell personally or anything serious at all in fact, it is just a way of breaking that boring tradition of recent years of a predictable christmas number one. Injecting that sense of competition back into the christmas charts again. Fun fun fun. Organised fun, but fun nonetheless. (PS: Fun.)
Also, I feel no more than apathetic towards eighteen year old Joe (shut up, I’m not bitter that he’s more talented despite being younger than me).
That being said, it is quite a good, fair message to send out to anyone involved in reality shows such as these. As far as I know, the terms of winning the X Factor do not state that you definitely get a Christmas number one, so nobody has really been robbed. It’s a privilege, not a right! …Like early lunches at school…

I know they do big bags of solace, but I don’t want ‘em [17/100]

slogdollager – (SLOG-doll-uh-ger) a slang word for something sensational or exceptional.

Buckles’ new christmas video made me laugh…

I’ve had a terribly dull day. The one thing I planned on doing was to go to the post office to post Floss a letter, but I checked online and apparently the last date to send things to Australia was the 4th of December. That can’t be right, surely?
Posties are acting strangely of late. This past week, we had a man from a house a few blocks away turn up in the evening with five parcels for us. The postie had tried to deliver them to him, but he’d been out, so had to collect them from the depot, only to find out they were ours. If he hadn’t have been honest, we’d have been screwed. Also, yesterday, I signed for a massive box when the postman rang. There were two cards that he handed over with it too, so I didn’t look at the box until I’d opened the cards. Turned out the parcel was for someone else. Guys, guys, guys, ch-ch-chickity check yourself, before you wreck yourself…
I reckoned that Royal Mail might give me free stamps again if I complained, so attempted to via the website, but it’s so complicated that I’m not going to bother. You’ve won this round, British Post Office…

I am very glad it’s payday tomorrow. My christmas shopping has been put on hold for the time being as I’ve run out of funds and have had to “dip into my savings” (what a horrendous phrase) in order to pay for lunch recently. Yeesh. Ah well, tomorrow should be good anyhow. Better than today, anyway, where all I’ve done is write a letter and play PS2 (damn you, sister, for getting me off the wagon!)

Tonight, Jill and I head out to go tacky-christmas-light-spotting. I’m most excited to see Julie, a girl we both knew from school’s house. Every year it is spectacularly overdone, it is a highlight of the festive season. I will take pictures or maybe even a video or two, don’t you worry, bloggins…
Bloggins. That reminds me…
This door is not always open, but it’s nicely, minimistically decorated for you to gaze upon as it is shut…

Save Boggins!

Don’t trust dogs who sell insurance [16/100]

zarf – (zarf) a cup-holder, usually a stand, for a cup without a handle. It is an Arabic word meaning “vessel, container”; the cup held by the zarf is called either a finjan (in Arabic) or a fingan (in Egyptian).

Facebook is a funny old site. I like it and hate it in equal measure.
It’s useful for keeping in contact with those you don’t see a lot, but is annoying when you get inundated with updates about people you never really liked much in the first place.
Some of the names of groups on there are just getting ridiculous too. I saw one today called, “I love it when I can talk to someone for hours about anything”. Doesn’t everybody love that? Group-names have just become like crap, lazy observational comedians: Do you remember Kenan and Kel? I remember them too! Join us! Do you ever test your seatbelt when you’re waiting in the car on your own by moving it really quickly to make sure it sticks? I do too! Join us!
That being said, at 3am, it can suddenly seem hilarious that, and this is a genuine sentence that cropped up in my feed, someone “correctly answered 25 out of 25 questions for a score of 3535 points on the Know-It-All ‘Name the car manufacturer badge’ trivia challenge!”
In the harsh light of day, this seems incredibly depressing. As much as I admire their car manufacturer badge knowledge, I am glad I am not this person…

I went for a gigantic lunch with four friends today. Bazzles didn’t seem to acknowledge Jill at all at first despite having not seen her for months. I thought that was very strange. Christycle on a bicycle, we are not children, be civil!

I also found out that Churchill (insurance dog, not valiant leader of the WWII years), who stunned and excited us all by appearing in the panto we went to see on Friday, has been cheating on us with several different cities. Here he is in Edinburgh:

I researched this and apparently he’s very open about his betrayal and reveals all on his website:

I am shocked and will not be running to this dog for my insurance in the future. Best give it to someone with a more trustworthy face…

Gonzo [15/100]

imbrue – (im-BROO) to soak or drench something, especially with blood.

We had the first watch of the season of The Muppets Christmas Carol today, Morven, Jill and I.
Me and Morven watch it every Christmas Eve, but seeing as she won’t be home for christmas, it won’t happen this year. It is, without a doubt, my favourite christmas film of all time. Yes, that’s right, better than Home Alone AND Gremlins. Jeez!

I finally bought the dvd the other day after years of watching it on vhs and was very excited to be watching it today. Look at our excited faces.

Jill is being Marley and Marley (whooooa!)

We were having a rare ol’ time watching, singing along and wrapping stuff up  until we came to the scene in which Scrooge is looking back on his past with Belle. My sister’s dvd of the film is missing a scene here, where Belle sings ‘When Love Is Gone’ so I was delighted when my version turned up and I compared its running time to that of the tape that they both said 86 minutes. This turned out to be a lie and the scene was also cut from mine. A-boooo! We paused it, came online, watched this…

…and then pressed play again.

As my sister mentioned numerous times, it’s the whole turning point of the film! That bit where present-day Scrooge joins in even though past-Belle can’t see or hear him is especially poignant. Poor show, whoever decided that scene wasn’t worthy, you’re a monster who hates christmas and love and goodwill and Michael Caine.

“Quite frankly, he mocked the homeless! …One star.” [14/100]

Pogonology – (Poh-goh-NOL-uh-jee) the study of beards.

I know my blog hates me and will date this the 14th December, but it is the 13th: my thirteenth entry, I am not cheating. I tried to think of a way to prove this, but couldn’t. I did take a photo of me with today’s paper…

…but I don’t think that really proves anything other than the fact I know news that happened as I planned on writing this.

Yesterday, after waking up to Adam and Joe, as per every Saturday, I walked and caught a bus to Tesco to buy a hasty last-minute plain white tshirt. Graeme was working, so we discussed the previous night’s antics and plans for the next few weeks. I then returned home, killed some time and got on another bus to take me into town. I got to Korova and met Lee, then eventually more Wot?!Erstone-rs trickled their way through and soon we were working our way down the street to eat. A nice tiny rhyme for you to enjoy there. In your own time.
Meal was most enjoyable and amusing, Matt became my hero of the night for the ballcrap he came out with and Shane kept his title of Most Drunk Most Quickly, but this time was sharing it with Julie, instead of Joss. At around 11pm, only Matt, Janet, Lee, Iain, Chris, Joss, Rachel and I were left so we headed to some bar that was too busy and didn’t give me a glass, so I was mocked for drinking from a can like a commoner… I decided to catch the first of the late night buses at 12.15 and as the gentleman does, Lee said he’d wait for it with me to make sure I didn’t get murdered by death. This was picked up on by my dear manager and Joss and Rachel (hey, that sounds a bit like Ross and Rachel. Will they, too, get involved in a tedious doomed relationship?) who were insistent that we were off to make sweet, ghoulish love in the graveyard opposite the pub. Nice to leave a work night out by shouting “Fuck you!” at your boss.

Today at work, everyone was in a surprisingly good mood. There wasn’t much to do and it was generally just pleasant. Not what I was expecting after, from what I gather, continued to be a late night, but it was a nice change anyway!
Whilst I was working hard making money to put the kids through college, my mother and sister had a clear-out.
When I caught up with my dear sister today, she handed me four photos they’d come across and asked, “If these were the only photos of you that someone had ever seen, do you think they would assume that you were blind?”
I cried with laughter and told her that she had a point. What do you reckon?

I like a number of things about these photos of me for some reason not looking at the camera, thus making it appear as though there is a problem with my eyes.
Let’s call the top ones 1 and 2, and the bottom 3 and 4.
I like that in 4, I’m looking pretty nonchelant despite holding a baby for probably the first time ever. Cool as.
I like that in 3, I’ve managed to look away from the camera, despite the photo being taken in a booth where the machine taking the picture is pretty hard to miss.
I like that in 2, it looks like a maudlin day for the blind birthday girl. Morven looks solemn, I look confused (“But where is the cake, mother?”) and Kyle looks on, mockingly.
But most of all, I like that in 1, I feel there should be a piano in front of me as I’m doing the Stevie Wonder face on my special day out…

Every day I play a sad game [11/100]

10% of the way through One Hundred Days, how exciting!

I still can’t help but feel I’ve made such a boring choice though. This, although good for me, must be dull for the poor sods who have get an email every time I update this thing. Again, I’m going to skip the originality and begin every post after this one with a new word I’ve learned, so at least then people who read this might actually get something out of it rather than a sense of despair.
I started doing a word-of-the-day type thing a while ago with my dad after he rediscovered this book that someone had given him…We’d just flick to a page at random and pick the first word we saw, but I’m happy to take suggestions. Feel free to leave a comment with a page number (between 13 and 415) and I’ll do something from that page.
Seeing as I’m coming to this several days late, here are ten words we’ve learned from it in the past…
eidetic - (eye-DET-ik) an adjective describing someone who has a photographic memory. [Eidetic comes from the Greek adjective eidetikos, based on eidos: something seen]

holus-bolus - (HOH-lus BOH-lus) described in the book as an adverbial phrase, “a colloquial expression meaning ‘all in a lump, all at one gulp, all at once, altogether’”. I think this was my dad’s favourite one, he still uses it occasionally when he knows I’m listening, “That was a good apple pie, I had it holus-bolus…”

phatic - (FAT-ik) a phatic communication is one that uses speech to express feelings and sociability rather than information, ideas or specific meaning. ie: “Have a nice day!” The adverb is ‘phatically’, the noun is ‘phasis’.

cimmerian – (si-MEER-ee-un) a “poetic” word for dark and gloomy

foofaraw – (FOO-fuh-raw) can mean either a big fuss about very little or something flashy with too many frills. The two examples in the book make me happy, “What’s going on here? What’s all this foofaraw about?” or “She could certainly dispense with all that foofaraw!”
The book isn’t sure of its origins, but thinks it may be a corruption of ‘free-for-all’ and claims it’s synonymous with ‘kerfuffle’, which, interestingly is apparently also spelled/spelt ‘gefuffle’.

oread – (OR-ee-ad) in classical mythology, is a mountain nymph. Referenced in Shelley’s ‘Witch Of Atlas‘

formication – (for-muh-KAY-shun) a tingling sensation you get when insects are crawling over you. Yeesh.

quarrel – (KWOR-ul) ah, you think you know this one, but it’s also a short, square-headed arrow used with a crossbow or a small diamond or square shaped pane of glass used in a latticed window. Not really as interesting as the first meaning you’d probably think of…

anchorite – (AN-kuh-rite) a hermit or recluse, particularly one who has gone to a remote place to enter upon a life of religious retreat. It comes from the Greek anachoretes, based on the verb anachoreein which means to retire or withdraw.

bonnyclabber – (BON-ee-klab-ur) or ‘clabber’ is a thick sour milk, naturally clotted as it turns. The dictionary is a bit sarcastic and cheeky, “A very refreshing drink, they say…”

And today’s (I like this one a lot) is…
deipnosophist – (dipe-NOS-uh-fist) A label applied to a “table-philosopher” or a person who converses eruditely at the dinner table!
It was taken from a work called The Deipnosophistae by Athenaeus. The Deipnosophistae translates as ‘Banquet of the Sophists’. In Ancient Greece, ’sophists’ were a class if respected teachers and lecturers.

If you knew all these already, you’re much to clever to be reading this flim-flam; go out and enjoy life, write a poem about how lovely and wintery it currently is.

Perverted By [9/100]

[I saw Jill today for the first time in months. That was nice.
I'm seeing my sister in mere moments. That will be nice. ]

I’m listening to an album of songs inspired by the Fall. Several of these bands sound like the Yummy Fur but not as good. It’s interesting. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about the Fall that makes them so loved by such a wide range of people, but I still don’t know. Do you like them? If so, why do you like them?
I’ve always enjoyed their music but have never really known much about them. They’ve just always been on in the background. One day I’ll buy a book about ‘em, but for now, I’ll stick with listening to their stuff. I felt a bit like this about Pixies. All I ever knew about them since I was around 7 was that my sister liked them and they made a good noise. I recently discussed the fact that I’d like to have more Pixie-knowledge with Joss, which made me realise I knew more about them than I first thought, so that was good.

I occasionally have periods where I get an overwhelming urge to learn about various bands and artists and as a result, I have more books in my to-read pile than I should do. It keeps getting bigger too, which is frustrating.
My favourite book about music is this one:

It is so so good. Indescribably so, but probably only if you’re into punk or just like hearing “oh no she di’ent!” type stories.
I prefer American punk from the early 70s to British stuff. I used to really like Sex Pistols, but now not so much. Plus, they were all such a cartoon characters, especially Sid, that they couldn’t have that credibility that comes with being troubled but honest, like Johnny Thunders.

I wish people like Lou Reed and David Bowie would write autobiographies. There’s so many stories about them, but you never know what to believe and what not to. The only book on Bowie I own is…

…which I’ve not read yet, but I’m imagining will be pretty bitchy and bitter since she wrote it after they’d split up.

I still never got round to finishing Tony Visconti’s autobiography. I bought it originally because it was £4 and I like buying hardbacks for paperback prices. I didn’t even look at it for months and then finally did and it was very easy to read. I really must get all of it read soon… I can’t remember all the books I’m currently juggling, but the Atheist’s Guide To Christmas has been out and about with me for the last few days. I swear it’ll be done by the time that the Festivus For The Rest Of Us comes around…

Everything is unfin– [8/100]

A very quick entry today as not much has happened, but at the same time, it has felt quite busy so I’ve not had time to ponder things and then write about them in too much detail. I would have an extra hour if my blog clock didn’t lie. It’s 10.45pm, it’ll say it’s 11.45pm. Grr…

I’m looking forward to the rest of this month, it’s shaping up to be mighty fun. Tomorrow, my sister comes home for quite a few days which is very exciting as she’s usually just here for a night or so.

It just hit me how strange it’ll be to not see her on Christmas day, so we’re gonna have to cram in lots of films and festive things while she’s up this week. Every christmas eve, we watch the Muppets Christmas Carol, so I think this year we’ll have to watch it at the same time on that day and have each other on the phone to sing along to. It is definitely my favourite christmas film ever. Possibly the greatest Michael Caine film ever made too! I just can’t imagine how actual christmas day is going to go this year. I think it’ll probably just feel like a normal day, but one where I get given some money and there’s nothing good on tv… I’m quite sad about it, but I’m sure it’ll be alright.
So, yeah… we’re heading to Yo Sushi on Friday and then to the pantomime with the family at night, so I’m psyched for that. We used to go to the panto, my cousins, my granny and me, when we were all little. Last year, we revived the tradition. I was eighteen and the youngest there (my younger cousins couldn’t make it) and it was hilarious fun. This year, I won’t be the youngest, but it’s sure to be awesome. I like my family!

On Saturday, I’ve got my work night out, yet have to work at 9am the next day, so I don’t think I’ll be as hardcore as I was at the one last year. The first of the late night buses will be a good idea. I will then post all of the pictures of everyone from work in my hat. It’ll be a triumph. I hope. Even if my boss is adamant he won’t wear it. We’re gonna have to go all stealthy on his ass.

Uhh… what else? Next week should be good also. The sister doesn’t leave ’til Tuesday, so that’s me entertained for the first two days at least! I got a message from Steve to say that he was back in town soon with young Russell Howard again and we should go for a cup or two of tea. I googled the gig as he, like a true professional, wasn’t actually sure what day it was. Turns out it’s next Friday AND it’s at the freakin’ AECC, that’s just insane! I saw Russell Howard at the Lemon Tree once…
Then as soon as that’s over with, it’s nearly christmas, then it’ll be new year. Christycle on a bicycle, it’s gone by quick. I feel a bit like Comic Store Guy, “I’ve… wasted my life.”

One Hundred Days To Make Me A Better Person [1/100]

Just over a week ago, the lovely lovely Josie Long announced that she was starting up a delightful project. I’m not always the most eloquent person (I assume that if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll be thinking, “Pah! Tell me something I don’t know! …Pah!”. Okay, I will. Here is that thing: I’ve just had a very quick shower, during which, I did a little dance to ‘If You Shoot The Head You Kill The Ghoul’ by Jeffrey Lewis and nearly fell over and died. If that is something you did know, you should be burned as a witch… or prosecuted as a Peeping Tom), so I’ll just copy her message from the website as she explains it all nicely.

“Hello friends and welcome to One Hundred Days to Make Me a Better Person.

From December 1st, myself and a group of comedians, writers and musicians will be trying to make ourselves better, every day, for a hundred days. Some will be working towards a big project, like learning a language, and others will be doing the same something, like writing a letter each day.

As the days go on we’ll be documenting and posting our experiences here, as well as on our flickr and twitter accounts.

On March 10th, we will present our experiences, and perform some of the things we’ve made at a spectacular gig for the London Word Festival. The gig will feature a gallery space for people to show off their own projects and all kinds of hi-jinks.

We want you to join in too!

All you have to do is decide on a project to do every day for a hundred days.

It can be the same thing every day or working towards something big. The only thing is that it has to be towards improving yourself. Make yourself friendlier, stronger, wiser or just sillier!

Use the site to document your progress and meet other people who are taking part.

Follow us on twitter.com/hundredday

Find us on flickr.com username: A Hundred Days To Make Me a Better Person.”

I took all of two minutes decide what my “project” would be. That probably explains the unoriginality of it all. I decided I would, like Richard Herring started to seven years ago, write a blog entry each day in the hope that it’ll get me back into writing.
I’m aware that I already write too much on this little patch of internet, but it’s never anything really profound or exciting, it’s just stuff that’s happened to me when I’ve had the urge to type, which doesn’t occur as often as it used to. This is what I’m hoping to change. I used to love writing and, although I still do, I’ve become very very lazy with it and I don’t like that.
I can’t promise that the next hundred days will bring about anything especially great or interesting, but I’m keen to see if I’ll keep it up or lose interest and if it inspires me to finally write something worthwhile that I could actually do something with. I would like to write funnies for tv one day in the future and although, if by some weird twist of fate, that crazy dream comes true, I really doubt this will have a big part in it, but I’ll just be happy enough if this gets me back into the good habit of writing on a regular basis.

I think I’m going to change my name to Kirsten Self-Indulgence Innes by deed poll one day…

Thank you for reading, gang, and I apologise in advance for if this whole thing inevitably becomes a page of very hit-and-miss ramblings, where the misses heavily out-number the hits as it drags on, but it’s all part of the project I guess.

Love you long time,

xx

I assume that if you’re reading this, you and I are pretty like-minded people, so you’ll probably be familiar with them both already, but if not, here are some visual treats that prove Josie Long and Richard Herring are brilliantly endearing…

You should buy their dvds and read Herring’s blog (that he still does daily… he’s been doing it since 2002 – what?!)… and listen to the Collings and Herrin Podcast if you are not too easily offended… If you are already doing all of these things (buying and listening and listening and listening), I salute you.