Posts Tagged ‘aboozement’

X-Eve [24/100]

December 24, 2009

I have five minutes to write this before it stops being christmas eve. I’ll do two words of the day tomorrow (CHRISTMAS!). We have, technically, entered the dregs of christmas eve… strap yourself in…

Had an insanely lovely day at work. I should sign up to work the eve of christmas every year. Good atmosphere, lovely people.

I joined my comrades at the pub after work for a light celebration. Bazzles took the car. Several beverages were consumed and it was more than great. Met lots of people I’d not seen in months too.

When the pub shut, we slid to the car, which wouldn’t move out of the empty car park. Several failed attempts to push it were made, which mainly resulted in Rory, Ryan, John and myself slipping on the ridiculous ground. At one point, Baz announced she was going to reverse. At which, I shouted to a floored John, “JOHN! GET UP!” as he was right behind the car.

I think she crashed into his face.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
X

“Quite frankly, he mocked the homeless! …One star.” [14/100]

December 14, 2009

Pogonology – (Poh-goh-NOL-uh-jee) the study of beards.

I know my blog hates me and will date this the 14th December, but it is the 13th: my thirteenth entry, I am not cheating. I tried to think of a way to prove this, but couldn’t. I did take a photo of me with today’s paper…

…but I don’t think that really proves anything other than the fact I know news that happened as I planned on writing this.

Yesterday, after waking up to Adam and Joe, as per every Saturday, I walked and caught a bus to Tesco to buy a hasty last-minute plain white tshirt. Graeme was working, so we discussed the previous night’s antics and plans for the next few weeks. I then returned home, killed some time and got on another bus to take me into town. I got to Korova and met Lee, then eventually more Wot?!Erstone-rs trickled their way through and soon we were working our way down the street to eat. A nice tiny rhyme for you to enjoy there. In your own time.
Meal was most enjoyable and amusing, Matt became my hero of the night for the ballcrap he came out with and Shane kept his title of Most Drunk Most Quickly, but this time was sharing it with Julie, instead of Joss. At around 11pm, only Matt, Janet, Lee, Iain, Chris, Joss, Rachel and I were left so we headed to some bar that was too busy and didn’t give me a glass, so I was mocked for drinking from a can like a commoner… I decided to catch the first of the late night buses at 12.15 and as the gentleman does, Lee said he’d wait for it with me to make sure I didn’t get murdered by death. This was picked up on by my dear manager and Joss and Rachel (hey, that sounds a bit like Ross and Rachel. Will they, too, get involved in a tedious doomed relationship?) who were insistent that we were off to make sweet, ghoulish love in the graveyard opposite the pub. Nice to leave a work night out by shouting “Fuck you!” at your boss.

Today at work, everyone was in a surprisingly good mood. There wasn’t much to do and it was generally just pleasant. Not what I was expecting after, from what I gather, continued to be a late night, but it was a nice change anyway!
Whilst I was working hard making money to put the kids through college, my mother and sister had a clear-out.
When I caught up with my dear sister today, she handed me four photos they’d come across and asked, “If these were the only photos of you that someone had ever seen, do you think they would assume that you were blind?”
I cried with laughter and told her that she had a point. What do you reckon?

I like a number of things about these photos of me for some reason not looking at the camera, thus making it appear as though there is a problem with my eyes.
Let’s call the top ones 1 and 2, and the bottom 3 and 4.
I like that in 4, I’m looking pretty nonchelant despite holding a baby for probably the first time ever. Cool as.
I like that in 3, I’ve managed to look away from the camera, despite the photo being taken in a booth where the machine taking the picture is pretty hard to miss.
I like that in 2, it looks like a maudlin day for the blind birthday girl. Morven looks solemn, I look confused (“But where is the cake, mother?”) and Kyle looks on, mockingly.
But most of all, I like that in 1, I feel there should be a piano in front of me as I’m doing the Stevie Wonder face on my special day out…

Nice aaaarse [5/100]

December 5, 2009

I woke up at Grace’s and she was still asleep so I started reading my atheist book. I forgot to write what Robin had written in it before. “What are you doing in this London hellhole portal where they hide the atheists?” Very good writing, despite him insisting that it was very sloppy.

We got up, sadly parted company and I went for lunch at London version of Slain’s again. Once more, I’ve no idea where the day went, it was ridiculous. I think a lot of it was spent looking for an internet cafe to do this bloody blog, to no avail. I’ve finally found one, so I’m gonna remember where it is in future. I’m the only one here and there’s five minutes left, but I think I’m gonna have to ask for an extra half hour… despite the fact that the man’s on a call that’s lasting ages and I don’t want to interrupt (but at the same time don’t want to spend the rest of my time in Lahndahn before leaving at 2pm in an internet cafe).

So, yes, I had lunch, walked around for far too long looking for imaginary things and then went to meet Penrose at her work. I did so and we caught a bus to the pub where we sat by the fire. Lovely! Especially as it was freezing. We waited for Lynsey to turn up and then went to go on a Jack Rippy walk. Our guide was awesome. He did a little cockney song halfway through despite being quite posh himself. It was raining and cold, but it was most enjoyable. I forgot I was a massive Ripper nerd!

[Just asked for another hour. That'll take me up to 12.20pm if I wanna use it all... I should maybe really attempt some christmas shopping or something. But on the other hand, it's a Saturday, so it'll be even more horrendously busy than usual.]

We were at a bit of a loss as to what to do after the walk, but ended up getting a bus back to the pub, which was strangely busy by this point. There weren’t any seats round the side we’d been at before. Damn fireplace theives. It was here that Lynsey spotted a familiar character of Berry. We giggled and then bought some drinks and managed to squeeze onto the end of a table some other people were at. When the man wasn’t in sight, everything was fine and conversation could resume as per usual, but when he sidled round to our side of the bar, he was quite distracting. I mean, that hair is magnificent!

We left to catch one of the last trains back to the FH massive, but our excitement didn’t end there. Oh no. I was sure I heard two guys by the door say the word ‘Chumbawamba’ and I was informed by Sarah after we alighted that they had been talking about when they used to be in that band. This prompted us to get ‘Tubthumper’ stuck in our head. Oh dear.

We watched some Snuff Box as we had planned earlier on in celebration of Sarah and Lynsey meeting Fulch again the day before and because we’d been on a ripper walk. After the pub, we decided that seeing that man in the pub was a sign that we should definitely watch it. That’s when I started to get distracted whilst writing the last blog.

I feel bad that it was mainly written today, though (the fifth). I just couldn’t write about Karaoke Circus quickly and we really needed to get to bed. But the intent was there. I’m still all about self-improvement! Hooray for 100 Days! I just looked at the site and got a bit depressed about how boring my pledge is, but then I must remind myself that I’m doing this for me to be good in future. There are some seriously cool pledgers out there though. Especially Dig Your Fins. I miss Lego…

Now, what’s something good I can do for a couple of hours? I think it’s time to consult Twitter…

“Who the hell are you again..?” [3/100]

December 3, 2009

Yesterday I woke up at 6.30am and caught a train to London. I managed to sit next to nobody for the entire seven hour journey which was quite impressive. Also, I avoided the token drunk-ladies. Disappointing. This left for rather a dull train journey, so I’m afraid there’s nothing to report.

As I got into Kings Cross, I quickly had a scan round the room to see if there were any famous people about, which is something I seem to do automatically. Silly. I’ve only ever seen that guy who was in Coronation Street and Dr Who, Bruno summat. But I spotted another one! That guy from Shameless who also played Shakespeare in Dr Who. All the Dr Who gang love Kings Cross. Tennant next time please, guy.

I ended up going to Oxford Street and wandering round there for a bit. It is an area I do not like as it’s always busy. This was no exception. And it seemed to be sponsored by the new A Christmas Carol, which was strange. I eventually ended up getting the bus to Kerry and Nella’s at around 5pm where they were already slightly birthday-drunk.

After I posted my dull blog yesterday, we headed out to the Defector’s Weld (not World, even if it does sound like it) and staying there for the whole night. As more and more of Kerry’s friends turned up, the more conversations I ended up involved in. I met the coolest people on the planet who had lots of Eurovision, Lemmy and Clint Eastwood related tales. Astonishing.

We got kicked out as the pub closed and my mind went into Mark From Peep Show mode when we encountered some sketchy looking characters wandering around (“Are we involved in a street deal now, is that what this is? Why are they trusting a man who looks about 12 years old who has a cronie giving him backies on his bike?”). One of whom ended up following us home and staying with us the rest of the night. After much interrogation, mainly prompted by Kerry’s, “Sorry, but who the hell are you again?” to him, he revealed that his name was Dave and he’d been working at the BBC.
An incident involving a window-pane and an angry-dad prompted us to hastily leave the Bush at 7am, much to the disgruntlement (is that a word? shoulda stuck with ‘annoyance’) of Kerry and I, and get on a bus to James’ with people who were heading to work. They didn’t like us.

I think I got maybe twenty minutes sleep at James’ house, then me and Nella decided to brave it back to her’s at around 11. I’ve had a quick sleepy for about an hour and feel okay. It’ll hit me later on. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m off to buy Grace a hat, then go to Waterstone’s for a bit to see some atheists about a thing and then to Karaoke Circus. Looks set to be good. The Actor Kevin Eldon is going to be there. I’m a little bit in awe already.

I swear the quality of these will improve, but it’s hard to do in a rush and when you don’t own a laptop. I know, “what’s that all about, Grandad?”

I am an architect with only one regret

September 3, 2009

FringeBlog #2! GO!
(Predictions: Slow start, gradual promising pick-up, inevitable sharp decline.)

I woke up rather early indeed last Tuesday morning. My father had offered me a lift into town the night before, so we left at around 8am. I awoke for the sixth morning in a row with a hideous headache causing me to feel sick, so took some drugs and hoped it’d go away. After being dropped off, I did the only logical thing someone who is an hour early for their bus does and planned an elongated route to the bus station which would involve going through all numbers of deserted areas in case I needed to throw up. Hooray! This didn’t happen in the end, but I did have a rather nice walk around places I’ve not been for a while as I listened to Adam and Joe’s final Song Wars Podcasts. The fresh air seemed to have done me good and I felt fine. This is vital information for a blog. Just as staying silent and waving at a microphone is great for radio.

The bus journey got off to a good start. As I had been there ridiculously early, I was one of the first people to climb aboard (it was not a ship) and grabbed the lovely leg-room seat. An old woman talking to herself made her way to the back pondering why there was not as much leg-room as there used to be. Me, being a gent (but female equivalent… a lady, I believe) offered her my lovely leg-room seat. She said that it was very kind of me and I moved. Karma-points! I was excited by what I could spend them on when I arrived in Edinburgh.
We reached our destination and I realised I didn’t have change to use the lavatory at the station, so I did the thing any sane person would and snuck into Burger King to use their bathroom. Only, as I dried my hands, I noticed a sign that said “It’s wrong to sneak in here to use the loo…” 
I think this was minus-Karma-points. Ah, easy come, easy go!

I met up with my glorious sister and heard all about her (birth)day so far. We walked to the Fruitmarket where I showed her the cake I’d made her, then we went for a walk to Falko, the Konditormeister, which is a fun word to say. I’ve known this since the days of studying German at die Schule. As soon as we approached the building, Morven remembered that it wasn’t actually open on Tuesdays. Still, the walk was nice! We compensated by going to another cafe, but it was apparently an anti-climax. Before we knew it, it was around 3.30pm so we rushed to catch a bus to the Stand to see Simon Munnery’s AGM ‘09. We sat on the top deck (it was not a ship) of the bus and were chatting away casually, as is our right, until we heard a woman downstairs shouting “Satan! Blood! Satan! Fuck god!”
Conversation ceased as we grinned at each other and stayed silent. It seemed to be whenever the bus slowed down, coming up to a bus stop that she’d shout incoherently to herself, but soon it ended and we figured she must have alighted. Disappointing as we never got to see her face. I imagine she would have been a larger lady, wearing purple robes with straggly red hair…

Soon we got to the Stand and found a few free seats at the front of the stage. A man came onstage and sat behind the drums. This man was Mac. Then Mr Munnery came on and the Annual General Meeting of 2009 commenced.


This is where my non-existent reviewing skillz begin to show as it’s only been just over a week and I can’t remember much of this. I do recall mentions of the Archers, children, spoons and a Supermarket Opera. It is very clear to see Munnery’s loyalties lie with Sainsbury’s as he used the sword of Bargains to try and slay his rival Tesco. Nobody counted on Asda turning up though! Bastards!
At the short interval, he instructed everyone to put motions into his bucket. I didn’t know what to write so ended up going for what I knew, “A woman on our bus on the way here shouted ‘SATAN! BLOOD! SATAN!’. I think she was right.”
He only got about two motions read out, but we followed him to Lord Bodos, the pub across the road, after the gig to continue the meeting. On the way there a man asked me if he’d met me at a poetry night. I told him probably not and he continued to walk to the pub. Here, we all picked motions from the bucket and read them out. The two I’d to read were “Trains should be free, but you should have to pay to get off. Discuss.” and “If artichokes have hearts, can they feel love? Is it wrong to love an artichoke?”
My dear sister read, “Peanut butter” and “Simon Munnery: True or false?”
Much discussion was had and a lorra lorra laughs. Sir Munnery sang a song about supermarkets (“Insane insane insainsburys… Oh no, Tesco!… Go to Lidl for a piddle…”) and did impressions of Bruce Springsteen. He didn’t think much of him at Glastonbury despite enjoying his music before. During this time, Matthew turned up to collect Morven to take her out for a meal. He waited patiently.
Eventually, a guy in a Virgilio Anderson tshirt read out my motion. Munnery took it from him, read it over and we discussed the Satan-lady. I told him it was all true and he seemed amused. He also laughed at “I think she was right.” This made me proud as it was originally going to say “I had to agree with her…” which may not have been as funny. Morven stood and Munnery asked if she was leaving. She told him that Matthew was taking her out for birthday tea and this prompted the ringmaster to lead us in a rendition of Happy Birthday. It was very sweet. They left, I stayed and heard about Mac pissing himself. He’d left by this point, so the story was allowed to be told. Once all the motions were read out, everyone began to leave. I stuck around to tell the Munnery that I’d enjoyed the gig a lot. He gave me one of his few handwritten flyers for a week of free gigs he was putting on at Fingers Piano Bar, I told him I’d try put in an appearance on Thursday and he shook my hand.

By this point, it was around 7pm and I decided to walk to one of the Underbellys (underbellies?) and see Paul Foot. I bought a ticket and sat in the bar reading about Parmenides of Elea in my bumper book of philosophy phun, waiting for the five minute call. That came and I made my way into the room the gig was in.


For the second time in a day, I was in the front row. We weren’t waiting long and Mr Foot came on, acknowledged a stool that was on the stage (the kind you sit on, you ghastly beasts) and continued to tell us about four main subjects including loneliness and dollies in Bed and Breakfasts. He was really rather lively and energetic and spoke to various audience members. I think he frightened some, but it was very amusing for the rest of us. After the show, I returned my glass to the bar, used the bathroom and then made my way out of the venue. On the way out, I saw the wonderful Mr Foot standing outside the room he’d just performed in. I managed to grab him before he left, told him I’d enjoyed the show and his fantastic shoes. Paul Foot has tiny ladies feet, apparently. Size 6 I believe.  He asked if I’d ever seen him live before and I said that I hadn’t, but I’d been  looking out for him since that ‘FAQ U’ show was on Channel4 a few years back. Apparently he’s played in Aberdeen since then, at the Blue Lamp. This confused me. They usually just have on jazz bands. I have since investigated. What in Jeeves’ name was I doing last August on that day? Perhaps this blog will tell me… (Just checked. I’m like some sort of futuristic blog-detective. Apparently, the day before the gig I watched the Happy Days where the Fonz jumps the shark and the day after the gig I was at work and enjoyed it ‘cos “it felt like a pub” - WHIT?!)
Anyway, I believe he should return and we should sit and drink gin. He should also probably bring Trevor Lock with him.

I left and walked in the direction of the Royal Mile. I met up with Morven and Matthew and we walked to the Pleasance Courtyard where we sat with Steve and Clara. A man who worked for the Pleasance came up to our table and offered us free tickets for Brendan Burns. I was due to go see the DO’D that night and am really not a fan of Burns anyway, so politely declined, but the rest of the happy gang accepted as it was free. Apparently he’d sold out the weekend that had just passed, but tickets for that night’s show hadn’t sold very well. At around 10.10pm I made my way to the venue Over The Road for Mr David O’Doherty. I stood alone in the queue and shivered as it began to rain lightly. Luckily, we weren’t kept waiting long and we entered the venue which happened to be a church… with a bar in it… The set-up of the seating was strange. There were three rows of stools (the kind you sit on, you ghastly beasts) and behind them, a wide space and some tiered seating. Nobody seemed to be sitting on the stools and by this point, I didn’t mind sitting in the front row as I knew the DO’D didn’t tend to pick on people and also I’d had a few drinks, therefore was more confident… but not confident enough to be the only person to sit on a stool, so I sat on the front row of the tiered seats. As the place and spaces to my left filled, the one seat right next to me remained free. A guy with glasses came over and asked if he could sit there. I said “Of course!” and he proceeded to say he’d not seen any reviews of the O’D so didn’t know what to expect. I told him I’d seen him live twice before and he was one of the best I’d witnessed, so he seemed excited. We watched as some people finally sat on the stools, but on the third row of them (which I’d count as the second row as the actual front row acted as a continuation of the stage. Too close to the stage to sit on, no leg room, you know…) We both agreed to join them on that row. From there, we giggled and jumped to the second row (the first row, though, I guess) as by this point, we’d acquired a new member of our exclusive comedy club. I’d gone alone and ended up sitting in between two lovely boys who spoke about comedy and the good things they’d seen with enthusiasm. This is what it’s all about! Strangers! Stranger Danger? No! Stranger Hurray…nger!
This is all very well and good, but what was the time?
It was David O’Doherty time.


I don’t know anyone who could possibly dislike this man. I remember when I met him last year he was unbelievably friendly and chatty and lovely. He even accepted half a block of tablet from a stranger and looked delighted about it. I think the man onstage is the man offstage and it’s not often you can say that these days. I have no idea what I could possibly say in this little bit of internet that could do him any justice, but I was grinning like a twat all the way through and I could feel that the two guys next to me had fallen in love with him by the end… I couldn’t physically feel it, by the way. I don’t think that sort of behaviour is socially acceptable.
He didn’t do as many songs as usual, but the stories made up for this… and the fact that he flashed his chest to spite the one woman who had her view blocked by a pillar, which made me laugh a great deal.
All in all: Ace. Would recommend to a friend. Have been recommending to friends for nearly two years now. Is anyone listening?

I sauntered back to the Courtyard where I found Morven, Matthew, Clara and Steve and also a poster advertising one We Are Klang show that was occurin’ the next day. I immediately sent Steve a message to see if the rumours were true and we contentedly got in a taxi back to Leith (of Sunshine On…) where we all went to bed.

I awoke to some peculiar text messages and watched a bit of tv with the sister before heading off into town. We were gonna go to Falko (Konditormeister) again and hopefully be lucky enough for it to be open this time. But first, we went to see our friend Charlie’s improv group, Blind Mirth, at the Voodoo Rooms. They were really very good, despite the fact that their numbers have apparently dropped in the last few weeks.
I feel they will all do very well. Footlights? Pfft! It’s all about the ‘Mirth!

We went to the Doric for some food then made our way to Falko whilst hysterically discussing Histor and Pliny. It was open! I went up to order Morven a ginger beer and me some cake. There was no ginger beer. This led to much confusion and amusement. When asked if that was all, the guy at the counter looked puzzled as to why there were two of us but only one cake and one drink. I said I couldn’t afford a drink. When our order arrived at the table, there was an extra cup of coffee and it turned out the guy had given me it for free, which was very sweet. Although I’d not had any caffeine for days, it’d be rude to turn it down so I drank it and told myself the caffeine-diet would resume the next day. Morven had promised that this would be the greatest cake I’d ever taste and she wasn’t too far off… Enough was enough and she ordered one too. We decided to walk a bit afterwards to work off the massive Kuchen we’d just consumed. Day-um it was good. We returned triumphant to the flat and sat around watching crap tv for a while. Before I knew it, it was time for me to head out and see Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler. I paid £14 for a ticket and knew I’d be seeing them the next day for free. Doh… But still, I was looking forward to it.

I escaped the evil seagulls of Leith and hopped on a bus and made a very important phonecall* (*may not be true). I got off the bus and tried to figure out which would be the best way to the Mound whilst still on the phone. I walked up to some steps and spotted none other than Trevor Lock, who I’d already met twice on my last jaunt to this city. I said a quick, “I’ll call you back…” down the phone and made my way towards ol’ Trev only so I could say the following phrase, “Trevor Lock, could you please stop stalking me?” I did and was met with “Hey, it’s you!” I was probably keeping him from doing something important, but started a conversation anyway which was mundane on my part. Sorry, Trev!
“It’s Kirsten, right? Have you met Alfie?” He asked, introducing me to the man he was with. This man turned out to be Alfie Brown, a comedian Trev told me to go and see. I found out he was playing at the Tron and, if you’ll have read the previous blog this will make more sense, asked if he knew of a guy also at the Tron who did a poem called ‘Synonym’. Joe Lycett apparently. So that was exciting. I decided it was probably best to let them get on with what they were doing, wished Trev well with the rest of the Fringe and continued on my way to see Kristen and Kurt.

I saw a queue outside the Assembly and joined it. Error number one. I was in my happy little world with my headphones in when at 9.50pm the queue started moving and our tickets were looked at. I was informed that I was in the wrong queue and should go up some stairs to Rainy Hall. When I got there I was told I’d need to join a queue outside. When I said I had already done that, someone else came and solved confusion by telling my to join the queue outside and across the street. That was strange. The queue I ended up in was at the other side of the road from the venue against some railings and nothing else. Odd system. I was fine though, not pissed off like you’d expect to feel. I was loving the world, but was oddly depressed at the same time. Strange, it was.
Soon our queue began to move and we were led back into the courtyard where I’d just come from and up the stairs to Rainy Hall again. Doh. I chose a seat a few rows back and awaited the magic…


They came out to tremendous applause and I immediately wanted to hug Kristen hard. The whole atmosphere was strange and it was like being at a party where a brother and sister who are slightly uncomfortably close and are slowly getting more and more drunk so you don’t know what’s going to happen. They pitched tv ideas and handed out giant party poppers to three audience members who were supposed to let them off when they enjoyed a joke. At one point there was a noise from outside, probably to do with the Tattoo and the pair hid behind the curtains and said “Get ready to start rationing!” then one of the poppers was popped. They enjoyed it, it was a beautiful moment. That guy had good timing and was praised for it.
Everyone left the room bemused, but giggling and when I got outside I wandered around for a bit in the vain hope that I might run into Ryan or someone I knew. It wasn’t so, so I went to catch a bus. I paid £1.20 for said bus to terminate round the corner from where I’d got on. I sighed, walked back the way I came and got a taxi instead. There’s a credit crunch on, y’know!
I made it back to the flat and went to bed.

I woke up at about 7am and was feeling inexplicably sad. That was until my dear sister gave me an early birthday present in the form of these beauties!
25908263
Yep, y’heard… Jemaine and Bret hairclips. I’m excited to wear them on a right royal night out. But I’ll be careful with ‘em!

Schwest left for work and Matthew listened to his 80s playlist on Spotify. It was gold (Gold! Always believe in your soul…), he then left for work and I bid on a Lee and Herring video on ebay. I tracked down lovely Joe Lycett on Twitter and told him I’d come along to his gig that day. It started at 12.30, so I decided I’d go to it rather than Robin Ince’s science readings and then Book Club like I’d planned. I’d still go to the latter though. By the time I got into town and had a wander, I got to the Tron at 12.15, bought a ticket for the Lunchtime Club and some Pimm’s. I spilt my drink before I’d taken a sip and presumed it was a sign not to be drinking so early on in the day. Damn you, Jesus!
I managed to look busy and mop up the table in a subtle manner until it was time to head into the room where the gig was.


The gig was kicked off by David Morgan (filling in for Ally Sheedy in the picture with the glasses) who was full of energy and generally lovely. He was the compere extraordinaire (so it says on the flyer) and so took it upon himself to make friends with the audience. I think he claimed he had about three favourite women that day. Fickle, eh? Also, one of the guys from 4 Poofs And A Piano was in. So that was nice. Anyway, yes, he was very lovely and excited and built up a good atmosphere for Benjamin Partridge (Emilio Estevez – middle, right) who was apparently hungover. He told us the wonders of Greggs, however made the common error of presuming it had started up here in Scotchland when my pedantry forces me to point out it was first opened in Newcastle. Take that, Partridge! Only joking, he was very funny and spoke of holding his breath whilst going through tunnels during his childhood along with a mime of doing this.
Next up was the young man I’d met the night before with Trev, Alfie Brown (Judd Nelson). Firstly, the shallow part of me would like to admit that I enjoyed Alfie’s attire a lot and secondly, he was very good, well done, etc etc. I especially enjoyed the first part of his set where he came onstage clutching a book apparently about how to do stand-up and read from it self-referentially. It was original, I enjoyed it. The rest of the crowd seemed bemused after a while, but this was also mentioned in this part of the set.
Then came Joe Lycett (Molly Ringwald) who immediately pointed out how he doesn’t like the above picture as he looks like a giant baby who has just been dropped into a perfectly nice photograph. I laughed. It was good to see a full set from him after his very brief appearance at Bannermans two weeks before. I believe this guy may be one to watch out for, he’s ever-so charming. Also, apparently two nights previous he’d won the Chortle Student Comedian of the Year competition. Well deserved, ra ra ra.
The final comeejin to take to the stage was young Ivo Graham (I say young, but he’s the same age as me… ) who was very good indeed. He had a sweet, quite shy delivery, but told amusing anecdotes as you would hope. He went on to win So You Think You’re Funny that night and again, I’d say it was well deserved. Overall, good wee show. Well worth that fiver. Jump onboard the Five Pound Fringe and Free Fringe, there are some goo-ood people taking part in it all. Hopefully that’ll continue next year.

By the time the show ended it was 2pm, so I met up with Matthew as he was leaving work and handed him back his keys. I then went to grab some food and decided I would do so at an Eerie Pub as I’m collecting them. Slains is our local, I’ve enjoyed the London Stone a couple of times and now it was Jekyll and Hyde’s turn. Overall, disappointing, sadly. Felt a bit ill afterwards, but read more about philosophers then walked around a bit to make myself feel better. At 3.30pm I ended up back at Bannermans, very early for Robin Ince’s book club. I got me a drink and continued reading about philosophers while I sat on a barrel. As it neared 4.15, I wandered through to where the club was going to take place and found a seat.

bookclub
Martin White, Robin’s accordionist fantastisch, took to the stage.
[Incidentally, I know two accordion-related jokes. Neither echo my feelings of accordionists, but I appreciate the comedy anyway.
Accordion joke #1...
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: A man who knows how to play the accordion but never does.
Accordion joke #2...
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and some onions?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
Ahthankyou.]
Martin announced that Robin was running late, so he’d pretend to be him by wearing a cardigan and reading from books sarcastically. He borrowed a man in the second row’s cardigan and did just that. He then introduced the first act, who I believe was called Martin Crozier (please correct me if I’m wrong, I am an imbecile…) who read from an old book of baby names. He was really excellent.
Martin stood up again and continued impressions of Robin, then a voice came from the back of the room and Mr Ince moved towards the stage, “Martin, are you pretending to be me again? I made you, Martin, I made you! And I would never wear a cardigan with a hood, I’m much too old for that!” He apologised for being late and said he was due to do EIGHT shows that day. Nutter. He quickly skimmed through some amusing old books he picked up and introduced the next person to the stage.
This is going to be a terrible recollection of events (it already was, yes, I know…) as I can’t remember anybody’s name… Helen Arney was very sweet and Joe Lycett turned up too. Twice in one day!
The gig ended with Robin reading from one of many Giant Crabs Attacking The Welsh Coast books with full musical accompaniment. Harrowing. But ultimately hilarious. I finished my drink and went to leave but saw Robin at the door talking to someone. I loitered a bit and grabbed him quickly before he went to gather up all of his stuff from the stage. I told him I’d been bothering him on Twitter the previous week wanting to know details of all his shows, he apologised for late replies but said to continue pestering. He’s going to regret that. I asked if he was really doing eight shows that day and he told me that he was and on his way to Bannermans was worried that he might die… and be found with a bag full of books about giant crabs taking over the Welsh coast, I told him to stop working so hard. Then he looked pleasantly surprised when I gave him a few quid donation (god, yeah, I’m like Jesus…) and I told him to return to Aberdeen. I’m confident that he might and I never usually believe people when they say they’ll be back. Good old Robin. I got the impression that he would have liked to have stayed and chatted much more, but was in a rush. He seems genuinely interested in speaking to people. On his dvd, for instance, there’s an interview and it is said several times, ”We’ll wrap it up there then…” but he keeps talking and they keep recording. Aww… Go see this man live! Go to the Book Club! Go see him verbally fondle science on a stage! He’s brilliant.

I left the pub and meandered (no, I didn’t walk, I meandered) on. I think this sums up my life. I constantly meander… I apologise to you all for doing so. Ended up at the Gilded Balloon and decided I’d go see Bridget Christie. I bought a ticket but was an hour early so headed to the Library Bar where the gas on their soft drink tap wasn’t working. I had a glass of water, looked as though I was reading about philosophers and eavesdropped on a painfully middle-class group of friends’ conversation. With ten minutes before the gig was due to start I went down to the waiting room/holding pen/scum emporium where I grabbed the closest free seat. An eccentric man started talking to me. I think he may have been there because he was a Daily Mail reader and the title of the show is My Daily Mail Hell, but that’s not an accusation I want to throw around, so I’ll just stick with ‘eccentric’. One of the Gilded Balloon staff came out of the doors leading to the stage on my left and told us to form a queue. Despite not being there early, I’d ended up at the front. We were then told that Bridget likes the front row to be filled and if you were at the start of the queue, you would definitely be in that row. At this point, one of the two people in front of me exclaimed “Oh, god no!” and moved to the back. I glanced over to my right, the direction she had just shot off towards. My attention was caught by a figure two metres away in a rain-jacket who had his head down, looking at his phone but was also listening to the woman next to him. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew who this was. I froze completely. He looked up, spoke to the woman, she said goodbye to him and joined the end of the queue and he put his phone away, stood for a second looking blankly like he’d forgotten where he was and then moved towards the door. As he hovered in the doorway with his back to me in his little Berghaus anorak, I shook myself out of my stunned state and knew I had to walk over and shake this man’s hand or I’d regret it for a long time. My knees moved but my feet didn’t. He’d already started to walk away and within seconds he was gone. I did not say hello to Stewart Lee.
I didn’t have much time to kick myself repeatedly for not confronting him and being a sycophant as we were ushered into the room and the show began immediately, but it was the perfect distraction.


So, yes, the show started as soon as everyone sat down. I was in the front row as I’d been told I would which meant I got a good view of the props. A desk, a chair, a mug, a notebook, a Jack Vettriano painting. Bridget came out in a bowler hat and a tail-coat and wowed us with our movements. She started off by telling us that she used to work for the Daily Mail doing their admin and making tea for racists. She acted out how she used to get through doors with racist tea, which looked very difficult. Kudos, Christie! Then she continued to tell us stories of interviews she’d done with celebrities. The eccentric man who’d previously been in the holding pen with me was in the front row too and acted in a peculiar fashion. I’m not sure if he’d ever been to a comedy show before as he treated it a bit like a conversation. But by jove, he knew about Anthony Andrews! (I’ve just realised that I’m doing myself no favours here by mentioning Anthony Andrews as I wrote a blog about Brideshead Revisited over a year ago and to this day the majority of people who are led here, and inevitably become disappointed, do so due to searching for either ‘Anthony Andrews’ or ‘Jeremy Irons’ on Google.)
The show passed far too quickly for my liking, as have all my other Fringe Highlights and it was coming to an end. It had been a strange but excellent one. The crowd were very outspoken, but not in a heckly way, they were just opinionated on the people Bridget had interviewed (mainly John Cleese and Jack Vettriano; two people who one woman had shouted “KNOB!” about). Another man had been at the book signing that Ms Christie had been at where she was strangled by Gene Wilder. This proved to be very funny, especially as while they were getting quite into talking to each other, she, forgetting she was telling us all a story asked him “So what happened?” and he replied, “Well… I’ll let you tell…” Made me laugh anyway.
She is really bloody lovely and hilarious. I now don’t know who I’m more jealous of, her or StewLee.

I had over an hour to kill after the gig so again ambled around and decided to go to Fingers Piano Bar for Simon Munnery’s Free Funnery early. It was already pretty busy even though it wasn’t due to start for an hour. I assumed that everyone was there for the man who was currently onstage reading from his book. About fishermen. He swore a lot. I was confused. It turned out the majority of people were there early for the same reason I was as nobody left when the fisherman did. Morven turned up and introduced me to her friend. Moments later Clara appeared, followed by Charlie and later Matthew and his mother. Charlie made a faux-pas to a comedian as she walked past them apparently.
We were sat right by the door, so saw Munnery turn up moments before 9pm. Also, Kristen and Kurt snuck in and I got a bit excited, but knew they’d probably have to do their set and then leave to get to their gig at the Assembly.

rockthejazzbar
The first thing Munnery spoke about when he got onto the stage, again was supermarkets. He made up another song about his love of Sainsburys and everyone loved him. Truly a hero. He introduced Kristen and Kurt who, again, were very funny and sweet and surprisingly, did no material from their actual show. They acted out a scene as Pocahontas and John Smith which was filthy but hilarious. I think they can get away with saying things that they did because they’re so darned cute. After they finished up, they walked past us again smiling. I resisted doing a hug attack upon ‘em.
Next up was Hannah Gadsby who was the comedian Charlie had run into earlier. Apparently she said to her, “OH! I know you! You’re a comedian! …I can’t remember your name though…” or something along those lines and Hannah didn’t look impressed. Although why would she? It wasn’t particularly impressive. Anyway, she was very dry. I was going to say “and very funny” but I’ve said that far too many times over the last 5658 words. Maybe I should just list all the people who were there, all of whom I found enjoyable and were good at their jobs: Jeff Kreisler, Chloe Philip and Phil Kay.
It was good to see Phil live again. He was just as energetic and… I’m not sure how else to describe him, as ever. He started to destroy the stage a bit, to the enjoyment of everyone in the room, including the bar staff who originally looked concerned. Munnery closed the show and said there’d be a bucket for donations at the end. Phil Kay took it upon himself to go around with it and force people to put some money in. He was actually very sweet. I was expecting a more mentally-ill version of Bob Geldof, but he looked chuffed whenever anyone put any money in. Bless ‘im.

We all went outside into the harsh, cold night and Clara kindly offered me a place to stay round her’s. I said goodbye to Morven, Matthew and Sally and Steve took us back to Clara and Charlie’s. They took very good care of me, lovely people and I set up camp in their music/Beatles memorabilia preservation room. I was alone with my thoughts and started to feel a bit sad that the fringe was drawing to a close. I also took this time to be pissed off with myself for not speaking to StewLee. I’m still slightly annoyed, but not so much. I may have to force Pete to wait behind with me after his glorious return to Aberdeen in November, a gig I cannot wait for. I fell asleep in a bad mood and woke up melancholy one. I didn’t want to wake up Charlie but also needed to get into town, so I left a note and exited their beautiful house. I was impressed at my ability to find my way to a bus stop and get to the Royal Mile. By this point it was around 10.30am and the city centre was eerily quiet and depressing. A sure sign that the fringe was almost over. I bought Keri a birthday present and sadly did one final amble around the hotspots in search of something to do. I found nothing and headed to the bus station, telling myself to write something for next year. It would be nice, but I am so very uninspired.

This has been a dreadful blog and I, once more, salute you if you made it through the whole thing. I blame the poor writing of this particular entry on the fact that I couldn’t start it when I got home as I wanted to see Keri on her birthday and did so, then on the Saturday I felt all gloomy and de-motivated. By the time I did feel in the mood to write, it was Sunday morning and I had to head to work. Basically, I’ve been writing it during varying levels of motivation and that inconsistency comes across. I’m sorry, I still love you, I’m very tired, the next one will be better.

Ready for the floor

August 18, 2009

On Wednesday, I woke up excited. Baz was home. I could sense that she was currently in our suburb, the largest in Europe I’m told. This was confirmed when I checked my phone and found she’d texted me hours earlier claiming she was in London. Later I received another from her telling me to get round to her house. I went round earlier than I said I would due to excitement. Hug. Presents. Photos. Stories. Change of clothes. Pub. Pub quiz. And our Wednesday nights returned. We didn’t do brilliantly at said quiz but we didn’t care. I eventually got home at 2.30 and at 3am I rolled my eyes at the thought of having to get up six and a half hours later. Incidentally, that turned into four and half hours later.

That time came and I packed an Edinburgh bag, which is like a normal bag but with things you’re taking to Edinburgh with you. (Are you writing this down? Why should you? It’s on a screen, print it out, you caveman.) At 10am I met up with Rory and got on a bus with him. John joined us a few stops later. He was very hungover and looked like he might die at every speed-bump. We got into town, went for some coffee (I had the caffeine-free option of hot chocolate… although actual chocolate has caffeine in it so this may be a lie) and then headed to the bus station. Rory bought a conspicuous magazine and much of the journey was spent dissecting it which made me laugh far too much. Then we thought we were going to die when our bus destroyed a construction gate. It was both hilarious and terrifying. Eventually we got into Edinburgh and went to Vittoria on Leith Walk for lunch. Then we met up with the sister and went to Bannermans for a drink. She left us to go see Mark Thomas (who she later recommended). We stayed to catch ‘Free and Freakin’ Awesome’ – Ro Campbell’s comedy showcase. I will attempt to review it now…


Ro himself had a certain charm, but also spent far too much of his word count swearing. Now, I don’t mind swearing, it’s just language, but I felt he relied on it a little too much and it dulled his comedy a bit. He was very enthusiastic though and told tales of when he used to have a job as the Golf Sale man in Edinburgh.
He introduced Gary Little. Gary Little was a big guy from Glasgow. Gary Little’s short set was about being in prison last year. Gary Little was terrifying, but not very funny.
Ro came back and introduced his second guest. Now this is where I get irritated as the sound was not fantastic in this room and I didn’t make out the name of this comeejin and he was really very funny. He was from London and read out a short poem called ‘Synonym’ in which he rhymed things with that word, including the phrase ‘gin in bin’. Genius. He was really very good and I’m pretty sure he said he was playing at the Tron but I can’t find out who the hell he is. Since getting home, I’ve been trying to find out online but to no avail. This is all beginning to feel like a terrible, tragic love story. I will never see this man again.
The third and final act was Mick Ferry. He looked familiar and I realised he’d been on Michael McIntyre’s comedy roadshow thing. He was alright, but didn’t seem to have much material, weirdly. He riffed off audience members and improvised a bit, but didn’t say much that made me laugh aloud.
I hope I can find out the second guy’s name before I head back to Edinburgh next week. It’d be nice to see if he is actually very amusing. I predict yes. O woe.

We finished up after the Bannermans Festivities and walked to the Underbelly to see if we could track down Ryan. We couldn’t. But we did spot Anthony Costa. You know, that guy from Blue? You know, the one that wasn’t Lee Ryan? Or that other one? Or the other one..?
By this time we’d decided that we would go and see Trevor Lock at 8pm as John and I have loved him for many a year now, but had still never seen him live. We eventually tracked down the venue and sat down to have a drink in the oddly Nathan Barley-esque bar. Rory paid £4.40 for a drink that wasn’t brilliant, but for the money he spent on it, he claimed it was the greatest thing he’d ever tasted.

At 8pm we headed upstairs and Rory grumbled at being sat in the front row. Then Trev emerged…

The first twenty minutes of the show seemed to be all improvised. Mad words came flooding from Trev’s mouth inspired by various audience members including a Brazilian woman and her friend from Germany who had met at mountaineering club. He made me giggle lots and lots. Rory was clearly still regretting sitting in the front as he was picked on by Mr Lock for having his hands in his pockets like a foolish rebellious private school kid (he’s not a swot, look, he’s done his tie all thin). When asked what was in his right hand, he took out a pack of cigarettes. When asked what was in his left hand, he took out a pack of cigarettes. I suspect this may have been the same pack, but cunning sleight of hand may have made it appear that there were two packs in there.
The show went by so quickly. I glanced at my watch and realised that it was already 45minutes into the set… and I wasn’t really sure what had happened. An endless stream of consciousness from Trev covering all bases including freedom, vaginas running amok, hoodies and the correct time to ejaculate into a goldfish bowl. It was hectic, it was a blur, but it was very very funny and over far too quickly.
We went outside still trying to comprehend what just happened. As John lit a cigarette, I saw Trev emerge from the venue and informed him. As we’ve both been fans of Trevor for an awful long time, we decided to confront him and nervously made our way forward. He was a delight. He asked Rory for one of his many cigarettes and we discussed Snafu, his play (more on that later), his recent illness and other nonsense. John took a photo of us and I look like a she-cock, but Mr Lock looks great. I am blaming my terrible hair and face on the fact that I’d been up and travelling around since 7.30am. And I have terrible hair and face.

We were both commenting on John shaking like a junkie while this was being taken. And yes, our glasses are very similar. Everyone who has commented on this picture has made this observation.
We left wishing him luck for the rest of the festival and telling him we’d try see his play.

To the Underbelly once more! On our way we pondered why nothing had yet gone wrong as we were having a brilliant day, but would this good luck last..? (…Yes.)
By the time we got to the place, it was around 9.30pm so we joined the queue for Rhys Darby which was due to start at 10pm. We bought some popcorn from a guy who had it round his neck purely because it was £1. It tasted like it was £1.


We got into the Underbelly and found seats in the second row. I continued to eat every piece of popcorn in the box just to get my money’s worth. We weren’t kept waiting long and Rhys came to the stage as Bill Napier. What followed was a very strange hour, but very funny all the same. The more hysterical and shouty he became, the more I laughed. He casually threw in lines from his dvd that a few people acknowledged. “Rachel! She’s got my bag…” made me particularly happy.
As expected, there were sound effects a-plenty and a fantastic impression of a Transformer. He also brought out two new characters; a whale watcher and a UFOlogist. The whale watcher was especially good and I believe it was at this point I caught John crying with laughter. As with Trevor’s set, it was over far too quickly, but it did last a little longer than an hour, so that was good. We left with heads full of robot-noise and went to find a pub to sit in until Ryan was due to finish work at 1.30am.

We ended up at Biblos which is a very nice restaurant/bar on Chambers Street. I’ve been there before, but it always seemed really busy. We managed to get a seat and had a few drinks and generally just killed time before tracking down Ryan. I recommend this place though. As the name would suggest, it looks like a library… but with a bar in it. I’ve still not been upstairs in there yet, but I will. We headed back to the Underbelly for 1.20ish and watched bemused as a man who looked like Marcus Brigstocke kept wandering around by himself and slowly attaching himself to groups of people. We sat on some steps and he came over and did so too, but never said a word to us. What an enigma…
Ryan turned up at around 2am with his friend Laura and we left the compound (I’m trying to make it sound like a prison…) in search of food and then planned to go back to Ryan’s. On our way out, I spotter Monsieur Lock once more and shouted “Trev!” and gave him a wave. I had intended to keep walking, but John bounded over to him. Again, the man was nothing but charming, even telling me “you’ve got good style” at one point upon discovering my necklace was a dinosaur and not a kangaroo (which would have been ludicrous). In return for this flattery, I told him I’d try to get to his play on Saturday and he tried to coax John and Jill T (who wasn’t even in the city) to also come. We went to leave and he said, “See you in the future…”
John replied, “Or maybe the past…”
Trev looked genuinely terrified. John reassured him that he wouldn’t, as we weren’t actually in Back To The Future and he was just being strange. Phew. It’s horrible being told that you might disobey the laws of physics at two in the morning…

We eventually found food and got to Ryan’s flat. After sitting around in his living room for a while watching the Culture Show, we decided to have a mini-party on his “roof terrace” overlooking the beautiful sights of “a brothel and two titty-bars”.

Ah, culture! We stayed up there until ridiculous o’clock in the a.m. We eventually went to bed just after 5, which I knew was a foolish move as I’d need to meet up with lovely Jill the next day at 12.

I managed to be out of the flat by 11.35, telling Jill that I’d be at the Conan Doyle by 12.15pm. Weirdly, I ended up getting there earlier than anticipated. Power-walk! Jill turned up five minutes later just as the rain began to get hella heavy. We ate, drank and discussed comedy for most of the afternoon.
Just over a year ago, Steve recommended Pappy’s Fun Club to me and told me to try and go see them (and him) at the festival. I never did, but always remembered that he’d told me to check them out whenever I heard them mentioned.
Jill had been to see them a few days before and was telling me how fantastic it had been, so I reckon I’ll go and see them with her in a few weeks. I just need to sort out a way of getting back home that same night. I’m being very rubbish and still need to check out trains, but I will do that very soon and let her know or else I am a terrible person.
Anyway, we had a lovely time talking, drinking, bitching about the lack of cake and coming up with plans to make certain comedians our unwitting husbands. It’ll be glorious, just need to get the bin-bags out…
She had to leave at 4pm, but not before being lucky enough to meet John, Rory and Ryan in the flesh. They were a bit excitable and loud, bless ‘em. After Jill left, Ryan headed to work and me and the other two stayed in the pub until after 6 o’clock when we decided to leave… in search of another pub. Oh…

It was still pissing down by the time we left and we didn’t find a better bar, so sat in the Omni Centre instead, awaiting my dear sister and Matthew. We met up with them and walked to the Stand where Rory and John left to go see Miles Jupp and then A Clockwork Orange. Me, Morven and Matthew (I realise this is not grammatically pleasing, but I do enjoy alliteration) queued up for Stewart Lee. By now, I was very very excited. In the past few months, I’ve come to the conclusion that StuLee is probably my favourite stand-up ever, despite never having seen him live. I could talk about him all day, he is just generally brilliant. So I can’t really explain how happy I was feeling just knowing that I would be seeing him live in such a small room. That time soon came…


We entered the Stand and were soon greeted by the sound of Robert Pollard’s voice. It was indeed Guided By Voices night. We had a drink and again, didn’t have to wait for long before the man took to the stage to GBV’s ‘I Am A Tree’… but the mic wasn’t working. “What an anti-climax…” he said as it began to work. What followed was one of the greatest hours of comedy I’ve ever witnessed. Little things made me very happy too, such as the one time he came off-script, so to speak, was to mention that he once saw a rat just lying on its back with no shame. Nobody really responded to this, but he was really laughing just remembering it and I thought, “This is the real Stewart Lee…” It was very very sweet.
Several topics were covered, including Top Gear, school days, country living and Magners. There was even a bit of music. Without giving too much away, he picked up a guitar to play a song. No, never fear, this is not StuLee going all gimmicky and novelty-band on us, but as he said, noting the tense silence as he put the strap over his shoulder, “The final taboo is a man on a stage trying to do something well and sincerely…”
And he did just that. I wanted to shed a little tear as the whole thing was rather lovely, but he didn’t allow too much time for sentimentality and added in some of his own lyrics to the cover he was playing which reminded us all of why he was singing it in the first place.

I left feeling a lot of admiration for that guy. I’m also pretty sure I saw Rhod Gilbert coming out of the Stand too. I cannot wait for Mr Lee’s triumphant return to Aberdeen in November. Granted, it’s at the Music Hall, so the intimacy will be lost, but I still predict it’ll be something special…

Matthew decided he’d be best getting home as he had work in the morning, so the sister and I walked up to the Underbelly ourselves in search of something to do. We decided to judge all of the flyerers and go see a show based on who flyered for it best. In the end, we got talking to two American guys who persuaded us to go and see their version of a Sherlock Holmes mystery…


The two guys at the bottom are the ones who we spoke to outside beforehand. They were very charming and very funny. The whole show was silly, but in a good way. I believe the Scotsman is correct with their “delighful hour” review.
To be honest, this could have gone either way. We were going based on the good patter we got from those promoting the show, but it paid off. Thoroughly enjoyable and recommended if you fancy a chuckle at some well-timed buffoonery. They had a lot of reviewers in on  Friday, so I’m hoping they were generous with the stars!

We left with our LOL-appetites fully satisfied and caught up with John and Rory. As soon as we found them, a beatboxing man drew up a crowd and a man on a bike/piano wowed us. Street performers we actually enjoyed? Whodathunkit? We wandered around and found a pub and sat outside despite the fact that it was…moist. It was here I realised that I’d spent more time in pubs than I had seeing shows, but apparently this is the Edinburger way of doing the fringe and I enjoyed being a local… We sat round telling stories and making each other laugh. It was really all you could possibly want in an evening. Then we went in search of food. As we passed an underpass, we heard drumming and would have kept walking past it had John not spotted that amongst four people dancing was the beatbox man and a guy on the bongos. We decided to join in and soon were essentially raving in an underpass. Many more came and joined in but most walked past looking bemused. Including, I think, at one point, Wil Hodgson. So that was exciting. Check out the badass moves of my comrades…

We left as beatbox man took his last beatboxin’ breath and continued to get food. Then we waited outside the silent disco to see if we could catch Ryan, who we couldn’t get hold of. A man resembling an 80s James Dean was sprawled on a wall looking like a tit, but didn’t seem to realise this until a man walked past and asked him if he was an installation. He moved pretty quick. And then, who turned up? Beatbox man! He started to do his thing, but as it was 3am, the police told him to stop and he left.

Ryan never showed, so we decided we’d walk to his flat and buzz. “He has to come home sometime…” About 30metres from where we’d been waiting with the coppers/the fuzz/the rozzers/etc, beatbox man had started up again, but was whisper-beatboxing so as not to alert the coppers/the fuzz/the rozzers/etc. It made me laugh a lot.

We eventually got to Ryan’s and Rory and John were buzzed in. We said goodnight and went to catch a cab, which ended up being far cheaper than we imagined although the driver may have been a little deaf. Then it was straight to bed.

In the morning I woke at about 11am and slowly got ready to leave with the sister who was due to meet up with a friend at 1pm. We went into town for that time and I left her to go to Vinyl Villains on Leith Walk where I walked behind a man with the greatest comb-over I’ve ever seen. In the record shop, I picked up a Smiths single (‘Ask’) for £1. It is one of my favourites. Bargain. Then I just sort of… wandered around some more until the sister called at about 2.30 and we met up. At 3pm, we met Clara and they went to see Charlie’s show. I remembered that I’d said to el Trevor that I’d go see his show, so made my way to the GRV. I was very early so bought a ticket and again sat in the bar. I read some of the free papers and magazines I’d accumulated over the past few days and shuddered at the horribly middle-class conversation the people who sat at the same table as me got involved in. I went outside to escape and queued up there. At 4pm, we were called in for the show.


(That man on the left wot used to be in Hollyoaks wasn’t in it and was replaced by Tom Fynn.)
I didn’t know what to expect as I sat in the room we’d seen Trevor do stand-up in two days previous. All I knew was, as it says on the flyer, it was “A romantic, philosophical comedy”.
It was clear that that is exactly what it was within about ten minutes. There were only three people involved, but it was really rather lovely. Beautifully written and also with a pretty sweet soundtrack. The lighting and the music in the final scene made it really tense and I was impressed at what a bloody good actor ol’ Trev is. He even managed to keep a coughing fit under control. Now that takes skill.
I wanted to discuss the whole thing with someone, but alas I was alone, so instead listened to the people in front of me talk about it on their way outside.
I couldn’t help but feel Tom’s character may have slightly been based on Russell Brand (if I was saying this out loud, that’s the bit I would have mumbled… I can’t make the text smaller, sadly…) but this is mainly due to his narcissism and his monologue at the start of the play about how a woman (or Trevor’s character as we’re first led to believe) may regret not kissing him.
All in all, a wonderful piece and proof that you don’t need to pay much to see great art!
I wish I could have phrased that less like a dick.

By the time I got out, it was 5pm and I rushed to meet Morven and company. I did so and chuckled at Clara and Charlie’s childhood tales. I managed to resist a White Russian by going to get food, but by the time we got to the Doric and were ready to order, I noticed the time and how I only had thirty minutes before I’d to catch my bus. I had to settle for a take-away at a well-known fast food chain instead. Disappointing, but necessary.

I sadly said goodbye to my sister at the station, then remembered that I’m back down in Edinburgh on the 25th for a few days. I have a ticket to see David O’Doherty and would also like to see Paul Foot, Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, Bridget Christie and Jon Richardson.
If that happens, expect another unnecessarily long blog.

For now, I’ll leave you with a picture that makes me stupidly happy.

So much joy.

I’m happy, hope you’re happy too…

So much to answer for…

July 27, 2009

This past week should be soundtracked by ‘Insomnia’ by Faithless.

The week before isn’t worth talking about as I don’t remember much of it. We did a stock-take at work that finished weirdly early. So that was nice.
I also saw Bruno and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in the cinema. The former was better than I was expecting and everyone in watching it giggled quietly like they were laughing at something naughty they shouldn’t have been and with the latter… meh… It was alright, but mainly because Rickman is a genius. As always.

On Saturday, I caught the beelzebus at 7pm and headed to old London town. This was the first time I’d been there via bus since January and it made me remember why I don’t do it that way anymore. Hellish. I was alone until we got to Glasgow when a woman who had been sat opposite the aisle from me asked if she could sit next to me as I had a sort-of table in front due to sitting behind the stairs. I presumed she had a laptop or some writing to do or something, but no, she started to prepare a small amount of sushi on little foldaway mats and from a little set. It was round about 11pm. Is 11pm the best time to prepare sushi? Peculiar but pleasing to watch. Of course I pretended that I wasn’t watching and that this was, in fact, the most natural thing in the world and continued reading Richard Herring’s ‘Bye Bye Balham’ until it got too dark to. From then on in, it was a night of frustration at being unable to sleep or get comfortable in the slightest. I won’t bore you with details this time, though.

We pulled into Victoria (oo-er) at around 7am and I proceeded to walk to the southbank and just sit down and figure out what to do with the morning. Caught a tube to London Bridge and at around 11am, met up with Sarah. We then made our way to South Kensington and went to the science museum where we’d planned to bump into Lynsey. After wandering round trying to figure out what a “Bloid” is, pressing buttons that didn’t work and walking up too many stairs towards a disappointing future, we were ready to leave. Then we saw this sign…
18279204
And we had. So we listened. And it was good.
It was an exhibit called the Listening Post which is actually quite cool. More on that here. After ooh-ing, aah-ing and mainly laughing, we headed out up the lifts that were supposed to go down. It took about ten minutes for us to leave. When we eventually managed to do so, we walked to the tube and I sadly bid goodbye to Sarah. It felt a bit strange that I’d only been with her for about two hours when usually I’m used to at least a full day (and several episodes of Frasier or Darkplace!) Me and Lynsey continued to Kings Cross, then caught the Farnaby Express to the ‘Bush. There was a rushed goodbye as she realised she needed to get off the bus and I made my way to Casa Nella and Kerry.

With the Victoria line out of action, we ended up leaving for Brixtonia much earlier than first planned. It involved two buses. Exciting. This allowed me to explain Richard Herring’s Consecutive Number Plate Spotting game to Kerry and Nella. We started playing.
Until we got to Vauxhall and I saw this, which made me point and say, rather loudly, “Look!”
Uncle Moz
Kerry’s immediate response was to gasp and shout “Daddy!”
This set the tone.

We eventually got to Brixton and met up with Sarah, Dan and Aniyah and had a few drinks and two fire alarms in the pub. As with most of my blogs, I’m putting too much detail in. We went to the gig. The gig was good. I didn’t get many good photos, but I quite enjoyed this one…
Uncle Moz live
(Click it, it’s only mildly less shoddy.)
See! He’s lovely really…

I ended up catching three plectrums which isn’t really saying much as loads were thrown out, but I still felt like fucking Shaft… until I eventually found everyone outside and realised they all had at least two. I’ll get a Moz-shirt someday, maybe…

Monday was spent running around looking for a fairytale shop no-one knew existed for my sister. Eventually found it, though. Exciting times to be a Kirsten. Wandered around for the rest of the day. Have no real idea how I managed, but I did. I planned on meeting up with Anna and Tom and figured that might happen in Camden so hung out there for a bit. I never heard from them, so decided to go to my Lahndahn Local at around 6pm for a bit. The old men were out in force, it was very good. I made my way to Kings Cross for 7pm to meet Kerry to go see Herring. We met up and walked up York Way, opposite side of the road to the one we knew the venue was at. We passed the Guardian offices and exclaimed, “Ace! Let’s go get jobs!” but we never did. We ended up pretty far and were approaching an industrial estate. We crossed the road and doubled back on ourselves. Turns out the massive building we believed to be the Guardian HQ was mainly Kings Place, the venue we were looking for. It was huuuge! So we wandered in cautiously, collected our tickets and sat downstairs in the room for the gig. We were the first there and nearly sat in the front row until I remembered I was wearing a Bros tshirt and had a carrier bag full of cakes. We sat in the second row.

The place gradually filled and soon Danielle Ward came on. She looked familiar but we didn’t know where from at the time (we later found out she was on Brooker’s Newswipe, the person who changes ‘recession’ to ‘moneygeddon’. Genius!), but she was very very funny and gave us hope. A female comedian! Who didn’t go on about how shit men are! Or periods! Or talk about how hard it is being a woman! I would recommend her to a friend, A+++. She’ll be in Edinburgh in August with her show, ‘Lies’. Go see her. She might have an actual phone instead of a banana. (Clever, eh? Now you’ll have to go to find out what that could POSSIBLY mean… Except it’s pretty much what I just typed. Shut up, fuck you.)

We got some beers at the interval and then Herring came on. He was really very funny. Ridiculously so. Again, I felt guilty for overlooking him in the past in favour of his Stewart Lee shaped counterpart. I’m sorry, Rich! You’re really very lovely and ridiculously funny. See, I’ve always known this, but just sort of let him get on with it. Bad fan, bad!
He was at the bar afterwards so, as I had been reading it at the pub, I had my copy of Bye Bye Balham in my bag for him to sign. Lucky, eh? I also said that I’d to give him into trouble for bringing his number plate game into my life, thus taking over my every journey and ruining my already limited concentration. He said “Oh, I saw that on Twitter…” Cue my embarrassment. Had I been talking about this bloody game too much? Evidently so. He then asked if I was playing old school or new rules and discussed tactics. It’s possibly one of the strangest post-gig conversations I’ve been involved in… although that being said, probably not the strangest overall as I met Ross Noble after an Aberdeen gig in 2005…

We left, Kerry found a fiver on the ground, we bought drinks with that fiver.
Thus concludes best two days ever!

Sorry about this entry. It got lacklustre from my account of arriving at Nella and Kerry’s onwards. It’s 2.53am on the 27th July 2009. I am alone in the house, I’m listening to Elbow and drinking a peculiar blend of vodka, Irn-Bru and Red Bull. I wanted to type this to get it out of the way, but in doing so, I’ve neglected the things I really wanted to talk about. Herring’s book of blog entries has opened my eyes even further and seen that my little space of internets here is pretty dull. I’d like this to change, but I am very lazy.

On a more positive note, the trailer for the new web series by my ol’ chum and all-round good guy H. Blizzle (ahem) has gone online. Check it out at DailyMotion.

I’ll also leave you with this as I’ve been listening to an eff-load of these guys recently…

The Degenerate Parade

May 5, 2009

Recurring theme of this week looks set to be: Assholes.

…But more on that later.
Last week consisted mainly of frustration at my lack of ability to talk about myself. Had to fill out a very important application form and talk about aspirations, ambitions and motivations. I have it all in my head, but limiting it to 9 lines without sounding like a moron was tricky. In the end I opted for sounding like a moron.

On Wednesday, we spent a lovely day being indulgent. Rory, John and I walked to the Mains and proceeded to stay there for about six hours. We sat outside in the sunshine that took us by surprise and led us to exclaim “What a lovely day!” every twenty minutes or so. We were soon joined by Ryan and Laura and generally had a very nice time and concluded we should do it more often. Then we (minus Ryan) headed back to John’s, watched some Frasier and rolled our eyes affectionately at Rory. Rory and Baz soon left, we continued with some Frasier, then headed to mine to copy a cd and watch the IT Crowd, allowing John’s love of Matt Berry to blossom.

I don’t think I did anything on Thursday…
Friday was spent in the company of my father, continuing the application form and watching Airplane. In the evening, I was far too tired and opted to go for a little nap before heading out to Pete’s birthday party. As soon as I went to put my head on the pillow, lovely Pam called and I got up and caught a bus to her place instead. We walked to Shane’s whilst discussing our futures. We’re very deep, y’know? We got to his and I listened in on their kerazy university chat. Sounds stressful. We headed out to Pete’s just after 10pm and proceeded to indulge in good-conversation and foolishness until gawd-knows what time. Me and Shane slept there and left at about 10am, feeling like death. I got on a bus, came home to an empty house, had a shower and had to go meet my mother in town again to pretend I didn’t want to throw up while failing to make an attempt at eating lunch. ‘orrible.

Eventually got home at about 3.30pm and went straight to bed with the idea that if I got some sleep then, I could go see Jeffrey Lewis at night. Woke up at 6.30 and couldn’t force myself to move. I knew I’d inevitably regret not going to see that lovely man in concert again, but I just couldn’t handle it. I watched lots of Frasier to make up for it. Eventually fell asleep again, but woke up shattered for work. Can’t really remember much of the day. Nothing too eventful happened. A fair share of irritating, impatient customers came in, one in particular stressed me out amazingly and so: sympathy hugs ensued for Kirsten.
I sighed. I came home. I finished series 1 of Frasier.

I was looking forward to work on Monday as I often do, but it was clear from my arrival that the evening would be… tricky. As I walked up the shop to the staff-only door, I spied Cat-Man. Oh woe. I don’t want to divulge too much information about his peculiar bookshop habits on such a public forum in case by some mad coincidence, he comes across this page. However what I can say is that he comes in frequently, keeps us chasing around after things for him for far too long and once left a stack of Jehova’s Witness magazines on one of the flats fanned out in a lovely presentation. He is… strange to say the least. Anyway, he had accosted Julie at this point and I managed to sprint past them to hide downstairs for half an hour before I was due to start. A regular occurence. By the time 5pm came around, he was still there and had managed to engage Joan. Poor lady. I jumped into the travel section at one point to hide. He eventually left at 5.30 (but he came back for a bit later, as predicted.) and had been there for an hour. Wow.

I presumed this would be the highlight of the usually slow evening, but no. I was standing at the till with Pete, both of us re-pricing (almost a year there and this was my first shot ever with a price-gun!) various items when a guy came over and asked if he could try to buy a book with his business credit card. I said we’d give it a shot. When it came to him typing in his PIN, it said ‘PIN locked.’ I told him this.
“So what can I do then?”
Pete wasn’t with a customer, so offered up the friendly advice that he’d probably just have to go to the bank and get a new card. He started to say that he presumed that even though it was a business card, it’d work in the same way as a regular credit card.
What the man heard was “You’re an idiot, you don’t know how a credit card works.” which was obviously not said at all. He took this as a personal insult, had a rant at Pete about how he was a thirty-five year old man and he knows how a credit card works, all the while, Pete tried to explain that he’d asked what to do next, so he was just trying to help.
The man’s ‘prick’ status was upgraded to ‘wanker’ when he said the following, “And anyway, I was actually being served by this girl who was doing a perfect job, so why don’t you butt out and get on with your stickering?”

If I’d been thinking on my feet, I’d have told him that I was refusing to serve him due to the fact that despite him being thirty-five, he obviously didn’t know how to treat people and that just because he had a business-account didn’t mean that I respected him any more than anybody else. Also, I would have pointed out that his pinstriped shirt was not flattering and that I was sure that I was soon to be hit by one of the buttons popping.

As it happens, I wasn’t thinking on my feet, and so: sympathy hugs ensued for Peter.

He didn’t even leave the shop right away, he continued to browse. I walked past him later and he smiled a you-did-good-Kid-don’t-you-find-me-attractive? smile at me. I glared. This is my small act of rebellion. I’m more than willing to give this information online, as if this man by some twist of fate comes across this blog, he might learn something, whereas Cat-Man’s harmless, really.

That put us on a downer for the rest of the night. The fact that we had nothing to do and no customers in didn’t exactly help. Slowest. Night. Ever.
Finally it ended, I bought a copy of Ghost World and caught a bus on which, a drunk old man threw up. Bleak.

Today I had to do some tests for a job I applied for a while back. Just numeracy and literacy tests. Apparently I passed as I’ve an interview with them on Friday. It’s a strange time just now. Allow me to type hypothetically for a moment. If I get this job in the metropolis in summer, great, but I’ll need some money to get myself down there. Working at the bookshop is lovely (except on the days when there are more pricks than kicks) and I adore working with everyone there, but I seriously need money to get to London and I can’t live on the wages I get from the minimal hours I do there. I just don’t wanna screw them around at an already stressful time. But c’est la vie! Might not even get this other job, might not even get the one in London, but you’ve gotta take the risks…

Realised that exactly four years ago today, we were getting ready for Granny’s funeral. Fuck, I can’t believe it’s been that long already. Insane in the membrane. I should buy some Happy Faces as a tribute to her. We bloody loved Happy Faces!

Plan for the rest of the week? Probably run into more assholes against my will. Would quite like to do something tomorrow. Possibly go to the cinema, not been for a while. Cineworld, though, so I don’t need to part with any more cash-dollars. Spent too much money I should be saving last night on the following…


Me and Amber are due to go see Let The Right One In at some point this week. It’s only showing at the Belmont though. And I’m not a student, so I predict £lots.

‘Til next time, happy gang.

In the city that I love I’m looking through your lens and I’m feeling good

April 29, 2009

What a week, gang!

Shall we do this chronologically and get it out the way in an organised fashion? I’d wait for a reply to that, but it’d require posting first and that would just confuse matters.

I’ve got a feeling this post is going to be a long one, so I will attempt to break it down with some pictures. Now, I didn’t take any pictures this week (Whaaaa’?!) but I’ll befriend Google Images.

I finally packed. As always, I left it ’til the early hours of the day I was due to depart and then complained when I woke up ridiculously tired at stupid o’clock in the morning. Despite it being a local holiday (news to me…) my father had offered to give me a lift to the station the day before. He did so and proceeded to drive straight into amazing traffic. This resulted in me getting out of the car while we were stopped at some lights, grabbing my suitcase out of the boot and running to the train station. The journey seemed to pass relatively quickly, probably due to the fact that I had a plug-socket next to me and so could abuse the free internet on my phone.

We got into Kings Cross after 3pm and within two minutes of my being there, I’d spotted somebody famous. That guy wot used to be in Coronation Street, then ended up in Dr Who… I’ve since been informed his name is Bruno Langley. Anyhoo, I dumped my case in Left Luggage and with nothing to do ’til 6pm, hopped on a tube to Oxford Circus and wandered around for a bit. I soon heard from McK and was told they were all at Water Rats, so I headed back to Kings Cross in the blistering heat to join them. I got to the venue, heard them soundchecking and ordered myself a drink and read some Will Self.

I was joined by the fellas and we sat around having a chat about nothing in particular. My favourite subject. Too soon, it was 6pm, so I dashed off to phone-a-Grace and they rushed away to fill their bellies. I called Gracie and we decided to meet at left luggage. So I retrieved my case, sat on it and five minutes later fell off. I moved to a chair instead.
The lady miss lady soon arrived and we swanned off to her place for no real reason. I’ve no idea how it got so late, but we ended up in Shepherd’s Bush at Nella and Kerry’s at about 10pm and decided to go for late dinner. Apparently, Wagamama staff will hate you if you turn up half an hour before closing. Whodathunkit?
Grace departed and the rest of us walked back to the house, stopping only to look at discarded videos. Sleep soon came.

Tuesday.
Woke up at the same time as Kerry and decided to accompany her to work. Evidently, we were the only people awake at 9.30am despite the bus being packed. This meant that we were the only ones talking. Not necessarily at great volume, but as we were the only ones, it must have been hard not to listen in. Before we got off at our stop, Kerry attempted to subtly convey some information to me. I didn’t pick up on this at all as I was attempting to write out an email on my phone and not sound like a dick in it; a difficult task for a dick like me. We got to the top of the steps and she told me to look two seats behind where we’d been sitting. I tried, blog, I really tried, but with the bus jumping up and down and me trying not to fall down the stairs AND shut my phone (which Kerry had texted out of sheer frustration of me not understanding her hints while we’d been sitting down.) up, I couldn’t concentrate, so didn’t notice the person she was trying to direct my attention to (could that be the most complicated sentence in the world?).
We got off the bus and she immediately asked if I saw who it was. I hadn’t. Turns out it was Simon (Mc)Farnaby. And he was listening in on our thrilling conversation. This made me giggle lots. Then worry about what we were talking about in case I’d inadvertently said something offensive.

I dropped Kerry off at work (I wanted to say that so I could sound like a mum) and walked down Portobello Road. The heat was insane and not many places were open, so I didn’t make it all the way down. I honestly can’t remember what I did next. Possibly went to Carnaby Street, but I’ve no idea. Was I drugged? I do remember that at about 2pm I went to Kensington Gardens, had some food, wrote Sarah a letter and lay around for about two hours in the sunshine. Amazing. Perfectly content being in my favourite city, yet doing nothing. At about 4.30, I headed back to Oxford Street-ish in the hope that I might find a quiet pub near the 100 Club to sit until 7pm-ish when I’d meet Grace. Instead, I ended up just walking around until about 6, not finding anywhere and having to settle for a Pret A Manger.

We walked down to the club and joined the queue, then left the queue and found Sarah and Lucy, then Nella and Kerry and re-joined. We didn’t get chairs for some reason, so leaned against a bar all night. Jon Richardson was hosting the comedy night. It had been announced that Sir Matt Berry had been added to the bill after we’d decided to go. Happy accident if anything. Anyway, yeah: Jon Richardson – very funny. Tom Deacon – meh, alright. Broken Biscuits – no. Then a break. Mr Berry was introduced when the interval was over. He came on, set up, did about four minutes then left the bemused faces. Andi Osho – probably not too bad, but me and Kerry were better. Phil Nichol – just no. After Berry’s set, Kerry went out for a smoke and we saw the man leave. Turns out he’d walked past her complaining to someone that he was thrown onto the bill at the last minute just so they’d have another name on the list. Poor sod, but good of him to perform anyway.
After a lost phone drama frustration, Grace made her way home and the rest of us went to the pub for a cheeky drink, then also parted ways. Nella, Kerry and I singing walking down Oxford Street. Then to the bus, then home again, home again, jiggity jig.

Wednesday.
I awoke with Kerry, again, and we jumped on the bus we’d now decided to call the Farnaby Express. He wasn’t there. I got on a tube to Victoria and decided to do my Victoria – Southwark walk. There were Sri Lanka protests down at parliament…

Even as I got to Westminster Bridge, I was regretting it due to my shit shoes and feet dying, but I struggled on and walked along Fleet Street and went into Stephen Fry’s house, the Twining’s Shop. Had never been in before, got overwhelmed by the smell of loveliness so went straight back out again. I eventually got to the Tate Modern, wandered around for a bit, then caught a tube to London Bridge at roughly 1pm where I sat in the pub with a rum and a book until about 2.30 when the wonderful Sarah turned up. We had a couple of drinks, sat about there for most of the afternoon, had a quick jaunt to Notting Hill to retrieve a bag I’d left with Kerry and then headed to Kings Cross to go meet Lynsey and Anna at a pub near the Scala. We were soon joined by Jill, Katie and Grace and then we rescued Jubey from the Scala queue and brought her back to the pub.

We left for the venue quite late and missed the support band by standing around talking and admiring people’s boots. By the time we bothered ourselves to go through to the stage, the place was packed, it was fantastic. All those people there for that one man. Lovely. And he came on and lapped it up and looked slightly taken aback at how it was a full house. I felt happy for him. The man did good.
Spoke to him briefly afterwards despite having nothing to say. I did not demand a hug, therefore feel I have redeemed myself. I’ve just remembered that I put on my life-list something like “Meet Matt Berry again and leave him not thinking I’m peculiar…” as a joke, but I could probably technically score it off now. Eff it, I’m gonna. It’ll make it look like I’ve done more.

After the gig, I headed with Anna and Sarah back to their abode and proceeded to stay up ’til 5am with Sarah watching the Apprentice and… god knows what else we did for four more hours! Youtube was involved. And general internetness. And cups of tea.

On Thursday we just hung out all day. Walked around, went to Kensington Gardens again. Missed Kerry somehow, but I’ve got a feeling we were waiting at different gates. I felt really terrible about it anyway and ate too many croissants to take my mind off the harrowing guilt. I later bought her something pretty to make up for it.
We had some Pimm’s, then food and drinks with Lynsey, Jill and Katie. We were enjoying the quiet, but lovely atmosphere until several old men turned up. One of whom smelled Lynsey’s jacket. He was strange. We called it a night not long after and again, I made my way to Chez Sarah.

We took it easy again on Friday. We somehow managed to spend the whole morning making cds and watching Darkplace. I wish I could spend every morning doing that. After saying “I really better do something…” for about 2 hours, I finally left in the early afternoon. I said a nearly-tearful goodbye to the Lady Miss Penrose and sat still on the train. Sad times. Then McGrogz called as we were pulling into London Bridge and that cheered me up a bit. As time went on, I started to feel really crap in my tum-tum, so abandoned plans to go to Camden and get a Friday ticket to the Crawl. I went sad again ‘cos I knew it was my last chance to see Grace, but I really couldn’t face the crowds. I sat alone in Kensington Gardens, doing a bit of writing. Mainly self-pitying mumbo and jive about how I felt shit and didn’t wanna go home. I took some pills and about an hour later started to feel better. Decided to walk around Oxford Street for a bit, then go meet Kerry from work.
We met up, then tried to find a pub that wasn’t packed to go and sit in. We were soon joined by (look, gonna be formal and use real names…) James and Paul and spent a delightful evening out the front of the pub discussing anything we could think of. Then we moved on and just had a relaxing night basking in each other’s company and generally having a lovely time. Good company, good conversation, good drinking. A perfect final evening.
Then we caught the bus back to Shepherd’s Bush and with a heavy, but moderately tipsy, heart I went to sleep.

On Saturday, again I woke when Kerry woke and joined her on the bus to Notting Hill. For the gazillionth (…fifth?) time in two days, I said another sad goodbye and dragged my case to Camden for a last-minute search for shoes. To no avail. I ended up in Waterstone’s there and bought a book purely based on the fact that it was “fate” (there was one copy left and the shop was playing the Lovecats.)

I made my way to Kings Cross early, waited a while for my platform to be announced and boarded the train to Edinburgh with a head full of memories and a bag full of… leaflets, mainly. Then we changed in Edinburgh and were in Aberdeen by about 8.30pm. After the week of glorious sunshine down south, it was inevitably raining up in the Granite City. I sighed and wanted to cry a bit, but sisterresisted.

Here we are. It’s Tuesday (technically Wednesday morning) and I’m feeling better. I’ll move there soon. I’m hopeful… I think.

Sorry if you read all of that. It got a bit… lacklustre at the end there.
You are clearly mentally ill or dedicated to chronological rambling. Either way, I admire you. Have a prize.

*

A Big Ben duck!

*This may or may not have been the “something pretty” I bought for Kerry… I am an amazing friend…

Time For Heroes

March 17, 2009

It’s sometimes difficult to start a blog when you’ve got the frustration of wanting to discuss something at great length, but you know you’ve to write about other things before it. So I’ll start with a joke… My favourite one, in fact…
Actually, no, it’s really long, so here’s the punchline: “Everyzing up until now vas satisfactory!”
HA!

Anyway, on with the show…
Last week, I got to witness Rob Brydon’s new stand-up show. I didn’t really know what to expect as it was his first tour as himself. Turns out, he gives good comedy. Me and Emma were sat in the front row (something I often avoid) and managed to escape being picked on. He told some stories, did some singing and embarrassed a fifteen year old. At the end, he came down to the crowd and high-fived the front row. I pushed Emma into trying to help him get back onstage and he climbed on her face but failed to get up. She needs “Rob Brydon hung onto me like a baby koala” on a tshirt. Other than that I’d just been doing some overtime until Friday when I had things that were good to look forward to.

Caught the bus to Edinburgh at 11.35am and was there before 3. Got some food and bought the History Boys on dvd. Nope, I’m not 100% certain as to why either. Soon, I met up with my sister and Jill and we were later joined by Matthew. We ate cake and I was given part of my Christmas present. A tiny camera. With a hamster on it. Winnn!
I ended up buying Jill some tea after checking out her flat. We sat in the Piccante for a long time talking about everything, but mainly things that infuriate us. We did consider going to the cinema, but opted for pub instead, then headed back to the flat where we spent about three hours on youtube watching videos to 90s dance classics… and Shaggy’s ‘It Wasn’t Me’.

Saturday made me shiver with every paper I delivered… The following may contain irrelevant information and too much detail, but my brain can’t comprehend what happened on Saturday, so I need to do things step-by-step.
I can only apologise in advance.

I woke up quite early and attempted to coax my phone into letting me onto Twitter. It took a good few tries, but eventually it surrendered to my charms. I figured out how to trick it into showing me my direct messages and remembered that I’d told Sir Linehan, who was in Glasgow the day before, to go to Mono and so asked if he’d found it and mentioned I was gonna make an appearance there later on that day to spend a voucher I’ve had for ages. He asked if I was in town and I told him that Jill and I were gonna be seeing Lily Allen in Glasgow that night, so were maybe gonna get a train there earlier than planned and do some shopping. He suggested we meet up for a drink. His reasoning behind suggesting this was, and I hope he does not feel I’m being indiscreet in revealing this, was that I’d kept him entertained on Twitter and am “obviously not crazy.”
And no, I wouldn’t normally mention this (except the not crazy bit, that made me laugh) but I like to think that’s another plus point for Twitter right there. I only joined in the first place because Sarah had said “It’s so pointless, you’d love it!” and Mr Linehan and Mr Fry were on there being natually funny and interesting. Now, I get defensive if someone makes some ignorant comment about it. It’s a lovely little site. If websites had human characteristics, it would definitely be sweet and naive and your favourite lovely character in a tv show.
So, after much thought as to how we would get to shop and meet up and get to the gig, I seriously thought I might have to consider turning the man down. But how could I? It’s not every day that your absolute hero expresses a desire to have a chat. (I also hope that if you’re reading, you might have blushed at “absolute hero” or at least gone “aw, shucks!” ’cos that’s what people do in cartoons, and life would be much better if it was more like a cartoon.)

Anyway, we said 4ish at Mono, but it was clear by the time that our amazingly slow train pulled into Glasgow at 3.20pm and Jill’s belly was a-rumbling that this wouldn’t happen. I optimistically plumped for 4.30pm instead. We went for food at about 3.30 and pondered what the correct way to indicate you want your free refill without holding your glass in the air until it has been filled is. None of our attempts worked. By the time we left, it was 4.10ish and I was freaking out a bit and was feeling nervous at the prospect of having to be charming and witty and lovely. At 4.15, Jill, a new Primark-deprived Edinburger discovered aforementioned shop. It was busy. I was running late. At about twenty to five, my anxious face was noticed and she told me to go, saying, “Listen, if Paula Radcliffe was texting me to tell me to go meet up with her, you’d tell me to go!”

I sprinted to Mono.

When I got there, I glanced around. It too was weirdly busy. Then I remembered it was a Saturday. And normal people go into town on Saturdays. I headed towards the record shop and saw the man himself walking up to the counter to buy some cds. I waited until he turned around and then, because I lack social skills and am basically a giant nerd, I, and I’m not ashamed of this (well… a bit), did Phill Jupitus’s Patented Twitter Gang Sign. Shut up, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We shook hands and I left him to continue keeping independent record shops alive whilst I went to get us some drinks. We sat down at a table and what followed was two hours of utter joy. “Shooting the shit”, if you will!
There are points in your life where you resent being asked certain questions. For example, I’ve never been a 40yr old divorcee, but I would imagine they tense up when asked how the love-life is. At this point in my life, I dread being asked what I’m doing with myself. This was the moment that I was asked this by one of the people I look up to most.
“So, what do you do?”
“Um… well… not much, to be honest…”
Usually, at this point, most people would recoil in horror or hit me with a stick or spit on my lack of further-education, but this led to discussions of London and jobs there. I began to feel at ease.

Comedy was discussed, as was music, Twitter, politics, this blog, his blog, writing, the pro-points of limitations, London, bbc3, weird comedians, good comedians, technology and the bloody internet.
We were joined by Stephen from the Pastels, who co-owns Monorail and whom I’d met a few times before. He was, as ever, a delight. I couldn’t have wished for better company with these two guys. The conversation was interesting and generally lovely. I don’t know how much more I can say without the internet exploding under my gushiness. Stephen had to go and pretend to be working and Graham pondered how we’d go about making the meeting official, ie: getting it on Twitter.
It took a lot of time and attempting to download certain iPhone apps to get a decent picture, but eventually we got one that met our very high standards. It was taken by Jill, who I’d had to track down in just a tshirt after abandoning my jacket and bag at the table. She’d be angry if I didn’t mention she’d taken the photo (skillz.)
We had a few attempts before she turned up. This was the best one, but it wouldn’t send to sir’s iPhone…

Soon enough, we all had to leave get on with our lives, but I didn’t let him get away without shaking his hand again.

And that was that. Jill and I walked to the o2 to go and see Lily Allen, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to concentrate much as my mind was going mental. Ho ho. On the way there, I presumed the Tweet must have gone through as I got about 12 texts asking me what the hell was going on and a Big Issue guy talked us into buying a copy of his magazine. We discussed Annie Lennox. Then his homeless friend came up and shook me by the hand. I couldn’t help but think “Merely ten minutes ago, I had shaken Graham Linehan’s hand… now, a tramp’s…” Ah well, easy come, easy go: it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

We joined the hella long queue and were soon in. We were attacked by the air conditioning and as it was so powerful, I believe I may have shouted “It’s the apocalypse!” to which Jill pretended she wasn’t with me.

La Roux came on and I’m sure she was very good, but at this point, I was still running on adrenaline and wanted Lily onstage and I wanted it then and there. When she did eventually come on, she was amazing. And very funny. And I’ve only just discovered this. She looked like she was enjoying herself and was just generally fantastic. I feel a bit wrong giving her this tiny paragraph, but there’s not much to say. I expected excellence and she delivered. I would recommend her to a friend.

Jill stopped for noodles on the way to the train station. They smelled amazing. She ate them on the train where we were on the drunk-carriage and were roped into a sing-song of If Tomorrow Never Comes by the inebriated. Then a “spare prick” as he kept describing himself, came and sat next to us and made us laugh all the way to Edinburgh.
I managed to persuade Jill into joining Twitter which was another achievement. I don’t think she’s too hot on it, but at least she’s there. She’s now just using the word ‘Twitter’ as a noun, adjective and verb. I sometimes think she has a speech-impediment that has not yet been recognised in the medical profession.

Again, I awoke early on Sunday. I headed to the train station to go and meet Jill T.
OCH AYE it was good to get all the comedy-speak out there. The people I’m friends with up here can only stand so much of my inane chattering like a monkey. But, kindred spirits and all that. We exchanged stories and disappointment at restaurants and their crappy refills/cake policies these days. She went to Edinburgh the day before purely to get cake the size of her head from the Conan Doyle only to find out they don’t do it any more. Imagine! I was having a lovely old time, so much so that I lost track of how long I’d been there and realised I needed to catch a train back to the ‘Burgh or I’d miss my bus home to Aberdeen.
So, again, with a heavy heart, we parted ways and I rushed to the station. Got back to Edinburgh and walked with Matthew to the bus. It was then that I realised I could sit down and relax for the first time all weekend. Even so, I was still buzzing. Still am.

I got to work today and it was so dead that it just destroyed me. I was allowed the time to stop and think and I just felt overpowered by some weird, horrible force.

I need to act quickly.
Someone is calling you.