Posts Tagged ‘being social’

Don’t trust dogs who sell insurance [16/100]

December 16, 2009

zarf – (zarf) a cup-holder, usually a stand, for a cup without a handle. It is an Arabic word meaning “vessel, container”; the cup held by the zarf is called either a finjan (in Arabic) or a fingan (in Egyptian).

Facebook is a funny old site. I like it and hate it in equal measure.
It’s useful for keeping in contact with those you don’t see a lot, but is annoying when you get inundated with updates about people you never really liked much in the first place.
Some of the names of groups on there are just getting ridiculous too. I saw one today called, “I love it when I can talk to someone for hours about anything”. Doesn’t everybody love that? Group-names have just become like crap, lazy observational comedians: Do you remember Kenan and Kel? I remember them too! Join us! Do you ever test your seatbelt when you’re waiting in the car on your own by moving it really quickly to make sure it sticks? I do too! Join us!
That being said, at 3am, it can suddenly seem hilarious that, and this is a genuine sentence that cropped up in my feed, someone “correctly answered 25 out of 25 questions for a score of 3535 points on the Know-It-All ‘Name the car manufacturer badge’ trivia challenge!”
In the harsh light of day, this seems incredibly depressing. As much as I admire their car manufacturer badge knowledge, I am glad I am not this person…

I went for a gigantic lunch with four friends today. Bazzles didn’t seem to acknowledge Jill at all at first despite having not seen her for months. I thought that was very strange. Christycle on a bicycle, we are not children, be civil!

I also found out that Churchill (insurance dog, not valiant leader of the WWII years), who stunned and excited us all by appearing in the panto we went to see on Friday, has been cheating on us with several different cities. Here he is in Edinburgh:

I researched this and apparently he’s very open about his betrayal and reveals all on his website:

I am shocked and will not be running to this dog for my insurance in the future. Best give it to someone with a more trustworthy face…

“Who the hell are you again..?” [3/100]

December 3, 2009

Yesterday I woke up at 6.30am and caught a train to London. I managed to sit next to nobody for the entire seven hour journey which was quite impressive. Also, I avoided the token drunk-ladies. Disappointing. This left for rather a dull train journey, so I’m afraid there’s nothing to report.

As I got into Kings Cross, I quickly had a scan round the room to see if there were any famous people about, which is something I seem to do automatically. Silly. I’ve only ever seen that guy who was in Coronation Street and Dr Who, Bruno summat. But I spotted another one! That guy from Shameless who also played Shakespeare in Dr Who. All the Dr Who gang love Kings Cross. Tennant next time please, guy.

I ended up going to Oxford Street and wandering round there for a bit. It is an area I do not like as it’s always busy. This was no exception. And it seemed to be sponsored by the new A Christmas Carol, which was strange. I eventually ended up getting the bus to Kerry and Nella’s at around 5pm where they were already slightly birthday-drunk.

After I posted my dull blog yesterday, we headed out to the Defector’s Weld (not World, even if it does sound like it) and staying there for the whole night. As more and more of Kerry’s friends turned up, the more conversations I ended up involved in. I met the coolest people on the planet who had lots of Eurovision, Lemmy and Clint Eastwood related tales. Astonishing.

We got kicked out as the pub closed and my mind went into Mark From Peep Show mode when we encountered some sketchy looking characters wandering around (“Are we involved in a street deal now, is that what this is? Why are they trusting a man who looks about 12 years old who has a cronie giving him backies on his bike?”). One of whom ended up following us home and staying with us the rest of the night. After much interrogation, mainly prompted by Kerry’s, “Sorry, but who the hell are you again?” to him, he revealed that his name was Dave and he’d been working at the BBC.
An incident involving a window-pane and an angry-dad prompted us to hastily leave the Bush at 7am, much to the disgruntlement (is that a word? shoulda stuck with ‘annoyance’) of Kerry and I, and get on a bus to James’ with people who were heading to work. They didn’t like us.

I think I got maybe twenty minutes sleep at James’ house, then me and Nella decided to brave it back to her’s at around 11. I’ve had a quick sleepy for about an hour and feel okay. It’ll hit me later on. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m off to buy Grace a hat, then go to Waterstone’s for a bit to see some atheists about a thing and then to Karaoke Circus. Looks set to be good. The Actor Kevin Eldon is going to be there. I’m a little bit in awe already.

I swear the quality of these will improve, but it’s hard to do in a rush and when you don’t own a laptop. I know, “what’s that all about, Grandad?”

I am an architect with only one regret

September 3, 2009

FringeBlog #2! GO!
(Predictions: Slow start, gradual promising pick-up, inevitable sharp decline.)

I woke up rather early indeed last Tuesday morning. My father had offered me a lift into town the night before, so we left at around 8am. I awoke for the sixth morning in a row with a hideous headache causing me to feel sick, so took some drugs and hoped it’d go away. After being dropped off, I did the only logical thing someone who is an hour early for their bus does and planned an elongated route to the bus station which would involve going through all numbers of deserted areas in case I needed to throw up. Hooray! This didn’t happen in the end, but I did have a rather nice walk around places I’ve not been for a while as I listened to Adam and Joe’s final Song Wars Podcasts. The fresh air seemed to have done me good and I felt fine. This is vital information for a blog. Just as staying silent and waving at a microphone is great for radio.

The bus journey got off to a good start. As I had been there ridiculously early, I was one of the first people to climb aboard (it was not a ship) and grabbed the lovely leg-room seat. An old woman talking to herself made her way to the back pondering why there was not as much leg-room as there used to be. Me, being a gent (but female equivalent… a lady, I believe) offered her my lovely leg-room seat. She said that it was very kind of me and I moved. Karma-points! I was excited by what I could spend them on when I arrived in Edinburgh.
We reached our destination and I realised I didn’t have change to use the lavatory at the station, so I did the thing any sane person would and snuck into Burger King to use their bathroom. Only, as I dried my hands, I noticed a sign that said “It’s wrong to sneak in here to use the loo…” 
I think this was minus-Karma-points. Ah, easy come, easy go!

I met up with my glorious sister and heard all about her (birth)day so far. We walked to the Fruitmarket where I showed her the cake I’d made her, then we went for a walk to Falko, the Konditormeister, which is a fun word to say. I’ve known this since the days of studying German at die Schule. As soon as we approached the building, Morven remembered that it wasn’t actually open on Tuesdays. Still, the walk was nice! We compensated by going to another cafe, but it was apparently an anti-climax. Before we knew it, it was around 3.30pm so we rushed to catch a bus to the Stand to see Simon Munnery’s AGM ‘09. We sat on the top deck (it was not a ship) of the bus and were chatting away casually, as is our right, until we heard a woman downstairs shouting “Satan! Blood! Satan! Fuck god!”
Conversation ceased as we grinned at each other and stayed silent. It seemed to be whenever the bus slowed down, coming up to a bus stop that she’d shout incoherently to herself, but soon it ended and we figured she must have alighted. Disappointing as we never got to see her face. I imagine she would have been a larger lady, wearing purple robes with straggly red hair…

Soon we got to the Stand and found a few free seats at the front of the stage. A man came onstage and sat behind the drums. This man was Mac. Then Mr Munnery came on and the Annual General Meeting of 2009 commenced.


This is where my non-existent reviewing skillz begin to show as it’s only been just over a week and I can’t remember much of this. I do recall mentions of the Archers, children, spoons and a Supermarket Opera. It is very clear to see Munnery’s loyalties lie with Sainsbury’s as he used the sword of Bargains to try and slay his rival Tesco. Nobody counted on Asda turning up though! Bastards!
At the short interval, he instructed everyone to put motions into his bucket. I didn’t know what to write so ended up going for what I knew, “A woman on our bus on the way here shouted ‘SATAN! BLOOD! SATAN!’. I think she was right.”
He only got about two motions read out, but we followed him to Lord Bodos, the pub across the road, after the gig to continue the meeting. On the way there a man asked me if he’d met me at a poetry night. I told him probably not and he continued to walk to the pub. Here, we all picked motions from the bucket and read them out. The two I’d to read were “Trains should be free, but you should have to pay to get off. Discuss.” and “If artichokes have hearts, can they feel love? Is it wrong to love an artichoke?”
My dear sister read, “Peanut butter” and “Simon Munnery: True or false?”
Much discussion was had and a lorra lorra laughs. Sir Munnery sang a song about supermarkets (“Insane insane insainsburys… Oh no, Tesco!… Go to Lidl for a piddle…”) and did impressions of Bruce Springsteen. He didn’t think much of him at Glastonbury despite enjoying his music before. During this time, Matthew turned up to collect Morven to take her out for a meal. He waited patiently.
Eventually, a guy in a Virgilio Anderson tshirt read out my motion. Munnery took it from him, read it over and we discussed the Satan-lady. I told him it was all true and he seemed amused. He also laughed at “I think she was right.” This made me proud as it was originally going to say “I had to agree with her…” which may not have been as funny. Morven stood and Munnery asked if she was leaving. She told him that Matthew was taking her out for birthday tea and this prompted the ringmaster to lead us in a rendition of Happy Birthday. It was very sweet. They left, I stayed and heard about Mac pissing himself. He’d left by this point, so the story was allowed to be told. Once all the motions were read out, everyone began to leave. I stuck around to tell the Munnery that I’d enjoyed the gig a lot. He gave me one of his few handwritten flyers for a week of free gigs he was putting on at Fingers Piano Bar, I told him I’d try put in an appearance on Thursday and he shook my hand.

By this point, it was around 7pm and I decided to walk to one of the Underbellys (underbellies?) and see Paul Foot. I bought a ticket and sat in the bar reading about Parmenides of Elea in my bumper book of philosophy phun, waiting for the five minute call. That came and I made my way into the room the gig was in.


For the second time in a day, I was in the front row. We weren’t waiting long and Mr Foot came on, acknowledged a stool that was on the stage (the kind you sit on, you ghastly beasts) and continued to tell us about four main subjects including loneliness and dollies in Bed and Breakfasts. He was really rather lively and energetic and spoke to various audience members. I think he frightened some, but it was very amusing for the rest of us. After the show, I returned my glass to the bar, used the bathroom and then made my way out of the venue. On the way out, I saw the wonderful Mr Foot standing outside the room he’d just performed in. I managed to grab him before he left, told him I’d enjoyed the show and his fantastic shoes. Paul Foot has tiny ladies feet, apparently. Size 6 I believe.  He asked if I’d ever seen him live before and I said that I hadn’t, but I’d been  looking out for him since that ‘FAQ U’ show was on Channel4 a few years back. Apparently he’s played in Aberdeen since then, at the Blue Lamp. This confused me. They usually just have on jazz bands. I have since investigated. What in Jeeves’ name was I doing last August on that day? Perhaps this blog will tell me… (Just checked. I’m like some sort of futuristic blog-detective. Apparently, the day before the gig I watched the Happy Days where the Fonz jumps the shark and the day after the gig I was at work and enjoyed it ‘cos “it felt like a pub” - WHIT?!)
Anyway, I believe he should return and we should sit and drink gin. He should also probably bring Trevor Lock with him.

I left and walked in the direction of the Royal Mile. I met up with Morven and Matthew and we walked to the Pleasance Courtyard where we sat with Steve and Clara. A man who worked for the Pleasance came up to our table and offered us free tickets for Brendan Burns. I was due to go see the DO’D that night and am really not a fan of Burns anyway, so politely declined, but the rest of the happy gang accepted as it was free. Apparently he’d sold out the weekend that had just passed, but tickets for that night’s show hadn’t sold very well. At around 10.10pm I made my way to the venue Over The Road for Mr David O’Doherty. I stood alone in the queue and shivered as it began to rain lightly. Luckily, we weren’t kept waiting long and we entered the venue which happened to be a church… with a bar in it… The set-up of the seating was strange. There were three rows of stools (the kind you sit on, you ghastly beasts) and behind them, a wide space and some tiered seating. Nobody seemed to be sitting on the stools and by this point, I didn’t mind sitting in the front row as I knew the DO’D didn’t tend to pick on people and also I’d had a few drinks, therefore was more confident… but not confident enough to be the only person to sit on a stool, so I sat on the front row of the tiered seats. As the place and spaces to my left filled, the one seat right next to me remained free. A guy with glasses came over and asked if he could sit there. I said “Of course!” and he proceeded to say he’d not seen any reviews of the O’D so didn’t know what to expect. I told him I’d seen him live twice before and he was one of the best I’d witnessed, so he seemed excited. We watched as some people finally sat on the stools, but on the third row of them (which I’d count as the second row as the actual front row acted as a continuation of the stage. Too close to the stage to sit on, no leg room, you know…) We both agreed to join them on that row. From there, we giggled and jumped to the second row (the first row, though, I guess) as by this point, we’d acquired a new member of our exclusive comedy club. I’d gone alone and ended up sitting in between two lovely boys who spoke about comedy and the good things they’d seen with enthusiasm. This is what it’s all about! Strangers! Stranger Danger? No! Stranger Hurray…nger!
This is all very well and good, but what was the time?
It was David O’Doherty time.


I don’t know anyone who could possibly dislike this man. I remember when I met him last year he was unbelievably friendly and chatty and lovely. He even accepted half a block of tablet from a stranger and looked delighted about it. I think the man onstage is the man offstage and it’s not often you can say that these days. I have no idea what I could possibly say in this little bit of internet that could do him any justice, but I was grinning like a twat all the way through and I could feel that the two guys next to me had fallen in love with him by the end… I couldn’t physically feel it, by the way. I don’t think that sort of behaviour is socially acceptable.
He didn’t do as many songs as usual, but the stories made up for this… and the fact that he flashed his chest to spite the one woman who had her view blocked by a pillar, which made me laugh a great deal.
All in all: Ace. Would recommend to a friend. Have been recommending to friends for nearly two years now. Is anyone listening?

I sauntered back to the Courtyard where I found Morven, Matthew, Clara and Steve and also a poster advertising one We Are Klang show that was occurin’ the next day. I immediately sent Steve a message to see if the rumours were true and we contentedly got in a taxi back to Leith (of Sunshine On…) where we all went to bed.

I awoke to some peculiar text messages and watched a bit of tv with the sister before heading off into town. We were gonna go to Falko (Konditormeister) again and hopefully be lucky enough for it to be open this time. But first, we went to see our friend Charlie’s improv group, Blind Mirth, at the Voodoo Rooms. They were really very good, despite the fact that their numbers have apparently dropped in the last few weeks.
I feel they will all do very well. Footlights? Pfft! It’s all about the ‘Mirth!

We went to the Doric for some food then made our way to Falko whilst hysterically discussing Histor and Pliny. It was open! I went up to order Morven a ginger beer and me some cake. There was no ginger beer. This led to much confusion and amusement. When asked if that was all, the guy at the counter looked puzzled as to why there were two of us but only one cake and one drink. I said I couldn’t afford a drink. When our order arrived at the table, there was an extra cup of coffee and it turned out the guy had given me it for free, which was very sweet. Although I’d not had any caffeine for days, it’d be rude to turn it down so I drank it and told myself the caffeine-diet would resume the next day. Morven had promised that this would be the greatest cake I’d ever taste and she wasn’t too far off… Enough was enough and she ordered one too. We decided to walk a bit afterwards to work off the massive Kuchen we’d just consumed. Day-um it was good. We returned triumphant to the flat and sat around watching crap tv for a while. Before I knew it, it was time for me to head out and see Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler. I paid £14 for a ticket and knew I’d be seeing them the next day for free. Doh… But still, I was looking forward to it.

I escaped the evil seagulls of Leith and hopped on a bus and made a very important phonecall* (*may not be true). I got off the bus and tried to figure out which would be the best way to the Mound whilst still on the phone. I walked up to some steps and spotted none other than Trevor Lock, who I’d already met twice on my last jaunt to this city. I said a quick, “I’ll call you back…” down the phone and made my way towards ol’ Trev only so I could say the following phrase, “Trevor Lock, could you please stop stalking me?” I did and was met with “Hey, it’s you!” I was probably keeping him from doing something important, but started a conversation anyway which was mundane on my part. Sorry, Trev!
“It’s Kirsten, right? Have you met Alfie?” He asked, introducing me to the man he was with. This man turned out to be Alfie Brown, a comedian Trev told me to go and see. I found out he was playing at the Tron and, if you’ll have read the previous blog this will make more sense, asked if he knew of a guy also at the Tron who did a poem called ‘Synonym’. Joe Lycett apparently. So that was exciting. I decided it was probably best to let them get on with what they were doing, wished Trev well with the rest of the Fringe and continued on my way to see Kristen and Kurt.

I saw a queue outside the Assembly and joined it. Error number one. I was in my happy little world with my headphones in when at 9.50pm the queue started moving and our tickets were looked at. I was informed that I was in the wrong queue and should go up some stairs to Rainy Hall. When I got there I was told I’d need to join a queue outside. When I said I had already done that, someone else came and solved confusion by telling my to join the queue outside and across the street. That was strange. The queue I ended up in was at the other side of the road from the venue against some railings and nothing else. Odd system. I was fine though, not pissed off like you’d expect to feel. I was loving the world, but was oddly depressed at the same time. Strange, it was.
Soon our queue began to move and we were led back into the courtyard where I’d just come from and up the stairs to Rainy Hall again. Doh. I chose a seat a few rows back and awaited the magic…


They came out to tremendous applause and I immediately wanted to hug Kristen hard. The whole atmosphere was strange and it was like being at a party where a brother and sister who are slightly uncomfortably close and are slowly getting more and more drunk so you don’t know what’s going to happen. They pitched tv ideas and handed out giant party poppers to three audience members who were supposed to let them off when they enjoyed a joke. At one point there was a noise from outside, probably to do with the Tattoo and the pair hid behind the curtains and said “Get ready to start rationing!” then one of the poppers was popped. They enjoyed it, it was a beautiful moment. That guy had good timing and was praised for it.
Everyone left the room bemused, but giggling and when I got outside I wandered around for a bit in the vain hope that I might run into Ryan or someone I knew. It wasn’t so, so I went to catch a bus. I paid £1.20 for said bus to terminate round the corner from where I’d got on. I sighed, walked back the way I came and got a taxi instead. There’s a credit crunch on, y’know!
I made it back to the flat and went to bed.

I woke up at about 7am and was feeling inexplicably sad. That was until my dear sister gave me an early birthday present in the form of these beauties!
25908263
Yep, y’heard… Jemaine and Bret hairclips. I’m excited to wear them on a right royal night out. But I’ll be careful with ‘em!

Schwest left for work and Matthew listened to his 80s playlist on Spotify. It was gold (Gold! Always believe in your soul…), he then left for work and I bid on a Lee and Herring video on ebay. I tracked down lovely Joe Lycett on Twitter and told him I’d come along to his gig that day. It started at 12.30, so I decided I’d go to it rather than Robin Ince’s science readings and then Book Club like I’d planned. I’d still go to the latter though. By the time I got into town and had a wander, I got to the Tron at 12.15, bought a ticket for the Lunchtime Club and some Pimm’s. I spilt my drink before I’d taken a sip and presumed it was a sign not to be drinking so early on in the day. Damn you, Jesus!
I managed to look busy and mop up the table in a subtle manner until it was time to head into the room where the gig was.


The gig was kicked off by David Morgan (filling in for Ally Sheedy in the picture with the glasses) who was full of energy and generally lovely. He was the compere extraordinaire (so it says on the flyer) and so took it upon himself to make friends with the audience. I think he claimed he had about three favourite women that day. Fickle, eh? Also, one of the guys from 4 Poofs And A Piano was in. So that was nice. Anyway, yes, he was very lovely and excited and built up a good atmosphere for Benjamin Partridge (Emilio Estevez – middle, right) who was apparently hungover. He told us the wonders of Greggs, however made the common error of presuming it had started up here in Scotchland when my pedantry forces me to point out it was first opened in Newcastle. Take that, Partridge! Only joking, he was very funny and spoke of holding his breath whilst going through tunnels during his childhood along with a mime of doing this.
Next up was the young man I’d met the night before with Trev, Alfie Brown (Judd Nelson). Firstly, the shallow part of me would like to admit that I enjoyed Alfie’s attire a lot and secondly, he was very good, well done, etc etc. I especially enjoyed the first part of his set where he came onstage clutching a book apparently about how to do stand-up and read from it self-referentially. It was original, I enjoyed it. The rest of the crowd seemed bemused after a while, but this was also mentioned in this part of the set.
Then came Joe Lycett (Molly Ringwald) who immediately pointed out how he doesn’t like the above picture as he looks like a giant baby who has just been dropped into a perfectly nice photograph. I laughed. It was good to see a full set from him after his very brief appearance at Bannermans two weeks before. I believe this guy may be one to watch out for, he’s ever-so charming. Also, apparently two nights previous he’d won the Chortle Student Comedian of the Year competition. Well deserved, ra ra ra.
The final comeejin to take to the stage was young Ivo Graham (I say young, but he’s the same age as me… ) who was very good indeed. He had a sweet, quite shy delivery, but told amusing anecdotes as you would hope. He went on to win So You Think You’re Funny that night and again, I’d say it was well deserved. Overall, good wee show. Well worth that fiver. Jump onboard the Five Pound Fringe and Free Fringe, there are some goo-ood people taking part in it all. Hopefully that’ll continue next year.

By the time the show ended it was 2pm, so I met up with Matthew as he was leaving work and handed him back his keys. I then went to grab some food and decided I would do so at an Eerie Pub as I’m collecting them. Slains is our local, I’ve enjoyed the London Stone a couple of times and now it was Jekyll and Hyde’s turn. Overall, disappointing, sadly. Felt a bit ill afterwards, but read more about philosophers then walked around a bit to make myself feel better. At 3.30pm I ended up back at Bannermans, very early for Robin Ince’s book club. I got me a drink and continued reading about philosophers while I sat on a barrel. As it neared 4.15, I wandered through to where the club was going to take place and found a seat.

bookclub
Martin White, Robin’s accordionist fantastisch, took to the stage.
[Incidentally, I know two accordion-related jokes. Neither echo my feelings of accordionists, but I appreciate the comedy anyway.
Accordion joke #1...
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: A man who knows how to play the accordion but never does.
Accordion joke #2...
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and some onions?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an accordion.
Ahthankyou.]
Martin announced that Robin was running late, so he’d pretend to be him by wearing a cardigan and reading from books sarcastically. He borrowed a man in the second row’s cardigan and did just that. He then introduced the first act, who I believe was called Martin Crozier (please correct me if I’m wrong, I am an imbecile…) who read from an old book of baby names. He was really excellent.
Martin stood up again and continued impressions of Robin, then a voice came from the back of the room and Mr Ince moved towards the stage, “Martin, are you pretending to be me again? I made you, Martin, I made you! And I would never wear a cardigan with a hood, I’m much too old for that!” He apologised for being late and said he was due to do EIGHT shows that day. Nutter. He quickly skimmed through some amusing old books he picked up and introduced the next person to the stage.
This is going to be a terrible recollection of events (it already was, yes, I know…) as I can’t remember anybody’s name… Helen Arney was very sweet and Joe Lycett turned up too. Twice in one day!
The gig ended with Robin reading from one of many Giant Crabs Attacking The Welsh Coast books with full musical accompaniment. Harrowing. But ultimately hilarious. I finished my drink and went to leave but saw Robin at the door talking to someone. I loitered a bit and grabbed him quickly before he went to gather up all of his stuff from the stage. I told him I’d been bothering him on Twitter the previous week wanting to know details of all his shows, he apologised for late replies but said to continue pestering. He’s going to regret that. I asked if he was really doing eight shows that day and he told me that he was and on his way to Bannermans was worried that he might die… and be found with a bag full of books about giant crabs taking over the Welsh coast, I told him to stop working so hard. Then he looked pleasantly surprised when I gave him a few quid donation (god, yeah, I’m like Jesus…) and I told him to return to Aberdeen. I’m confident that he might and I never usually believe people when they say they’ll be back. Good old Robin. I got the impression that he would have liked to have stayed and chatted much more, but was in a rush. He seems genuinely interested in speaking to people. On his dvd, for instance, there’s an interview and it is said several times, ”We’ll wrap it up there then…” but he keeps talking and they keep recording. Aww… Go see this man live! Go to the Book Club! Go see him verbally fondle science on a stage! He’s brilliant.

I left the pub and meandered (no, I didn’t walk, I meandered) on. I think this sums up my life. I constantly meander… I apologise to you all for doing so. Ended up at the Gilded Balloon and decided I’d go see Bridget Christie. I bought a ticket but was an hour early so headed to the Library Bar where the gas on their soft drink tap wasn’t working. I had a glass of water, looked as though I was reading about philosophers and eavesdropped on a painfully middle-class group of friends’ conversation. With ten minutes before the gig was due to start I went down to the waiting room/holding pen/scum emporium where I grabbed the closest free seat. An eccentric man started talking to me. I think he may have been there because he was a Daily Mail reader and the title of the show is My Daily Mail Hell, but that’s not an accusation I want to throw around, so I’ll just stick with ‘eccentric’. One of the Gilded Balloon staff came out of the doors leading to the stage on my left and told us to form a queue. Despite not being there early, I’d ended up at the front. We were then told that Bridget likes the front row to be filled and if you were at the start of the queue, you would definitely be in that row. At this point, one of the two people in front of me exclaimed “Oh, god no!” and moved to the back. I glanced over to my right, the direction she had just shot off towards. My attention was caught by a figure two metres away in a rain-jacket who had his head down, looking at his phone but was also listening to the woman next to him. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew who this was. I froze completely. He looked up, spoke to the woman, she said goodbye to him and joined the end of the queue and he put his phone away, stood for a second looking blankly like he’d forgotten where he was and then moved towards the door. As he hovered in the doorway with his back to me in his little Berghaus anorak, I shook myself out of my stunned state and knew I had to walk over and shake this man’s hand or I’d regret it for a long time. My knees moved but my feet didn’t. He’d already started to walk away and within seconds he was gone. I did not say hello to Stewart Lee.
I didn’t have much time to kick myself repeatedly for not confronting him and being a sycophant as we were ushered into the room and the show began immediately, but it was the perfect distraction.


So, yes, the show started as soon as everyone sat down. I was in the front row as I’d been told I would which meant I got a good view of the props. A desk, a chair, a mug, a notebook, a Jack Vettriano painting. Bridget came out in a bowler hat and a tail-coat and wowed us with our movements. She started off by telling us that she used to work for the Daily Mail doing their admin and making tea for racists. She acted out how she used to get through doors with racist tea, which looked very difficult. Kudos, Christie! Then she continued to tell us stories of interviews she’d done with celebrities. The eccentric man who’d previously been in the holding pen with me was in the front row too and acted in a peculiar fashion. I’m not sure if he’d ever been to a comedy show before as he treated it a bit like a conversation. But by jove, he knew about Anthony Andrews! (I’ve just realised that I’m doing myself no favours here by mentioning Anthony Andrews as I wrote a blog about Brideshead Revisited over a year ago and to this day the majority of people who are led here, and inevitably become disappointed, do so due to searching for either ‘Anthony Andrews’ or ‘Jeremy Irons’ on Google.)
The show passed far too quickly for my liking, as have all my other Fringe Highlights and it was coming to an end. It had been a strange but excellent one. The crowd were very outspoken, but not in a heckly way, they were just opinionated on the people Bridget had interviewed (mainly John Cleese and Jack Vettriano; two people who one woman had shouted “KNOB!” about). Another man had been at the book signing that Ms Christie had been at where she was strangled by Gene Wilder. This proved to be very funny, especially as while they were getting quite into talking to each other, she, forgetting she was telling us all a story asked him “So what happened?” and he replied, “Well… I’ll let you tell…” Made me laugh anyway.
She is really bloody lovely and hilarious. I now don’t know who I’m more jealous of, her or StewLee.

I had over an hour to kill after the gig so again ambled around and decided to go to Fingers Piano Bar for Simon Munnery’s Free Funnery early. It was already pretty busy even though it wasn’t due to start for an hour. I assumed that everyone was there for the man who was currently onstage reading from his book. About fishermen. He swore a lot. I was confused. It turned out the majority of people were there early for the same reason I was as nobody left when the fisherman did. Morven turned up and introduced me to her friend. Moments later Clara appeared, followed by Charlie and later Matthew and his mother. Charlie made a faux-pas to a comedian as she walked past them apparently.
We were sat right by the door, so saw Munnery turn up moments before 9pm. Also, Kristen and Kurt snuck in and I got a bit excited, but knew they’d probably have to do their set and then leave to get to their gig at the Assembly.

rockthejazzbar
The first thing Munnery spoke about when he got onto the stage, again was supermarkets. He made up another song about his love of Sainsburys and everyone loved him. Truly a hero. He introduced Kristen and Kurt who, again, were very funny and sweet and surprisingly, did no material from their actual show. They acted out a scene as Pocahontas and John Smith which was filthy but hilarious. I think they can get away with saying things that they did because they’re so darned cute. After they finished up, they walked past us again smiling. I resisted doing a hug attack upon ‘em.
Next up was Hannah Gadsby who was the comedian Charlie had run into earlier. Apparently she said to her, “OH! I know you! You’re a comedian! …I can’t remember your name though…” or something along those lines and Hannah didn’t look impressed. Although why would she? It wasn’t particularly impressive. Anyway, she was very dry. I was going to say “and very funny” but I’ve said that far too many times over the last 5658 words. Maybe I should just list all the people who were there, all of whom I found enjoyable and were good at their jobs: Jeff Kreisler, Chloe Philip and Phil Kay.
It was good to see Phil live again. He was just as energetic and… I’m not sure how else to describe him, as ever. He started to destroy the stage a bit, to the enjoyment of everyone in the room, including the bar staff who originally looked concerned. Munnery closed the show and said there’d be a bucket for donations at the end. Phil Kay took it upon himself to go around with it and force people to put some money in. He was actually very sweet. I was expecting a more mentally-ill version of Bob Geldof, but he looked chuffed whenever anyone put any money in. Bless ‘im.

We all went outside into the harsh, cold night and Clara kindly offered me a place to stay round her’s. I said goodbye to Morven, Matthew and Sally and Steve took us back to Clara and Charlie’s. They took very good care of me, lovely people and I set up camp in their music/Beatles memorabilia preservation room. I was alone with my thoughts and started to feel a bit sad that the fringe was drawing to a close. I also took this time to be pissed off with myself for not speaking to StewLee. I’m still slightly annoyed, but not so much. I may have to force Pete to wait behind with me after his glorious return to Aberdeen in November, a gig I cannot wait for. I fell asleep in a bad mood and woke up melancholy one. I didn’t want to wake up Charlie but also needed to get into town, so I left a note and exited their beautiful house. I was impressed at my ability to find my way to a bus stop and get to the Royal Mile. By this point it was around 10.30am and the city centre was eerily quiet and depressing. A sure sign that the fringe was almost over. I bought Keri a birthday present and sadly did one final amble around the hotspots in search of something to do. I found nothing and headed to the bus station, telling myself to write something for next year. It would be nice, but I am so very uninspired.

This has been a dreadful blog and I, once more, salute you if you made it through the whole thing. I blame the poor writing of this particular entry on the fact that I couldn’t start it when I got home as I wanted to see Keri on her birthday and did so, then on the Saturday I felt all gloomy and de-motivated. By the time I did feel in the mood to write, it was Sunday morning and I had to head to work. Basically, I’ve been writing it during varying levels of motivation and that inconsistency comes across. I’m sorry, I still love you, I’m very tired, the next one will be better.

Ready for the floor

August 18, 2009

On Wednesday, I woke up excited. Baz was home. I could sense that she was currently in our suburb, the largest in Europe I’m told. This was confirmed when I checked my phone and found she’d texted me hours earlier claiming she was in London. Later I received another from her telling me to get round to her house. I went round earlier than I said I would due to excitement. Hug. Presents. Photos. Stories. Change of clothes. Pub. Pub quiz. And our Wednesday nights returned. We didn’t do brilliantly at said quiz but we didn’t care. I eventually got home at 2.30 and at 3am I rolled my eyes at the thought of having to get up six and a half hours later. Incidentally, that turned into four and half hours later.

That time came and I packed an Edinburgh bag, which is like a normal bag but with things you’re taking to Edinburgh with you. (Are you writing this down? Why should you? It’s on a screen, print it out, you caveman.) At 10am I met up with Rory and got on a bus with him. John joined us a few stops later. He was very hungover and looked like he might die at every speed-bump. We got into town, went for some coffee (I had the caffeine-free option of hot chocolate… although actual chocolate has caffeine in it so this may be a lie) and then headed to the bus station. Rory bought a conspicuous magazine and much of the journey was spent dissecting it which made me laugh far too much. Then we thought we were going to die when our bus destroyed a construction gate. It was both hilarious and terrifying. Eventually we got into Edinburgh and went to Vittoria on Leith Walk for lunch. Then we met up with the sister and went to Bannermans for a drink. She left us to go see Mark Thomas (who she later recommended). We stayed to catch ‘Free and Freakin’ Awesome’ – Ro Campbell’s comedy showcase. I will attempt to review it now…


Ro himself had a certain charm, but also spent far too much of his word count swearing. Now, I don’t mind swearing, it’s just language, but I felt he relied on it a little too much and it dulled his comedy a bit. He was very enthusiastic though and told tales of when he used to have a job as the Golf Sale man in Edinburgh.
He introduced Gary Little. Gary Little was a big guy from Glasgow. Gary Little’s short set was about being in prison last year. Gary Little was terrifying, but not very funny.
Ro came back and introduced his second guest. Now this is where I get irritated as the sound was not fantastic in this room and I didn’t make out the name of this comeejin and he was really very funny. He was from London and read out a short poem called ‘Synonym’ in which he rhymed things with that word, including the phrase ‘gin in bin’. Genius. He was really very good and I’m pretty sure he said he was playing at the Tron but I can’t find out who the hell he is. Since getting home, I’ve been trying to find out online but to no avail. This is all beginning to feel like a terrible, tragic love story. I will never see this man again.
The third and final act was Mick Ferry. He looked familiar and I realised he’d been on Michael McIntyre’s comedy roadshow thing. He was alright, but didn’t seem to have much material, weirdly. He riffed off audience members and improvised a bit, but didn’t say much that made me laugh aloud.
I hope I can find out the second guy’s name before I head back to Edinburgh next week. It’d be nice to see if he is actually very amusing. I predict yes. O woe.

We finished up after the Bannermans Festivities and walked to the Underbelly to see if we could track down Ryan. We couldn’t. But we did spot Anthony Costa. You know, that guy from Blue? You know, the one that wasn’t Lee Ryan? Or that other one? Or the other one..?
By this time we’d decided that we would go and see Trevor Lock at 8pm as John and I have loved him for many a year now, but had still never seen him live. We eventually tracked down the venue and sat down to have a drink in the oddly Nathan Barley-esque bar. Rory paid £4.40 for a drink that wasn’t brilliant, but for the money he spent on it, he claimed it was the greatest thing he’d ever tasted.

At 8pm we headed upstairs and Rory grumbled at being sat in the front row. Then Trev emerged…

The first twenty minutes of the show seemed to be all improvised. Mad words came flooding from Trev’s mouth inspired by various audience members including a Brazilian woman and her friend from Germany who had met at mountaineering club. He made me giggle lots and lots. Rory was clearly still regretting sitting in the front as he was picked on by Mr Lock for having his hands in his pockets like a foolish rebellious private school kid (he’s not a swot, look, he’s done his tie all thin). When asked what was in his right hand, he took out a pack of cigarettes. When asked what was in his left hand, he took out a pack of cigarettes. I suspect this may have been the same pack, but cunning sleight of hand may have made it appear that there were two packs in there.
The show went by so quickly. I glanced at my watch and realised that it was already 45minutes into the set… and I wasn’t really sure what had happened. An endless stream of consciousness from Trev covering all bases including freedom, vaginas running amok, hoodies and the correct time to ejaculate into a goldfish bowl. It was hectic, it was a blur, but it was very very funny and over far too quickly.
We went outside still trying to comprehend what just happened. As John lit a cigarette, I saw Trev emerge from the venue and informed him. As we’ve both been fans of Trevor for an awful long time, we decided to confront him and nervously made our way forward. He was a delight. He asked Rory for one of his many cigarettes and we discussed Snafu, his play (more on that later), his recent illness and other nonsense. John took a photo of us and I look like a she-cock, but Mr Lock looks great. I am blaming my terrible hair and face on the fact that I’d been up and travelling around since 7.30am. And I have terrible hair and face.

We were both commenting on John shaking like a junkie while this was being taken. And yes, our glasses are very similar. Everyone who has commented on this picture has made this observation.
We left wishing him luck for the rest of the festival and telling him we’d try see his play.

To the Underbelly once more! On our way we pondered why nothing had yet gone wrong as we were having a brilliant day, but would this good luck last..? (…Yes.)
By the time we got to the place, it was around 9.30pm so we joined the queue for Rhys Darby which was due to start at 10pm. We bought some popcorn from a guy who had it round his neck purely because it was £1. It tasted like it was £1.


We got into the Underbelly and found seats in the second row. I continued to eat every piece of popcorn in the box just to get my money’s worth. We weren’t kept waiting long and Rhys came to the stage as Bill Napier. What followed was a very strange hour, but very funny all the same. The more hysterical and shouty he became, the more I laughed. He casually threw in lines from his dvd that a few people acknowledged. “Rachel! She’s got my bag…” made me particularly happy.
As expected, there were sound effects a-plenty and a fantastic impression of a Transformer. He also brought out two new characters; a whale watcher and a UFOlogist. The whale watcher was especially good and I believe it was at this point I caught John crying with laughter. As with Trevor’s set, it was over far too quickly, but it did last a little longer than an hour, so that was good. We left with heads full of robot-noise and went to find a pub to sit in until Ryan was due to finish work at 1.30am.

We ended up at Biblos which is a very nice restaurant/bar on Chambers Street. I’ve been there before, but it always seemed really busy. We managed to get a seat and had a few drinks and generally just killed time before tracking down Ryan. I recommend this place though. As the name would suggest, it looks like a library… but with a bar in it. I’ve still not been upstairs in there yet, but I will. We headed back to the Underbelly for 1.20ish and watched bemused as a man who looked like Marcus Brigstocke kept wandering around by himself and slowly attaching himself to groups of people. We sat on some steps and he came over and did so too, but never said a word to us. What an enigma…
Ryan turned up at around 2am with his friend Laura and we left the compound (I’m trying to make it sound like a prison…) in search of food and then planned to go back to Ryan’s. On our way out, I spotter Monsieur Lock once more and shouted “Trev!” and gave him a wave. I had intended to keep walking, but John bounded over to him. Again, the man was nothing but charming, even telling me “you’ve got good style” at one point upon discovering my necklace was a dinosaur and not a kangaroo (which would have been ludicrous). In return for this flattery, I told him I’d try to get to his play on Saturday and he tried to coax John and Jill T (who wasn’t even in the city) to also come. We went to leave and he said, “See you in the future…”
John replied, “Or maybe the past…”
Trev looked genuinely terrified. John reassured him that he wouldn’t, as we weren’t actually in Back To The Future and he was just being strange. Phew. It’s horrible being told that you might disobey the laws of physics at two in the morning…

We eventually found food and got to Ryan’s flat. After sitting around in his living room for a while watching the Culture Show, we decided to have a mini-party on his “roof terrace” overlooking the beautiful sights of “a brothel and two titty-bars”.

Ah, culture! We stayed up there until ridiculous o’clock in the a.m. We eventually went to bed just after 5, which I knew was a foolish move as I’d need to meet up with lovely Jill the next day at 12.

I managed to be out of the flat by 11.35, telling Jill that I’d be at the Conan Doyle by 12.15pm. Weirdly, I ended up getting there earlier than anticipated. Power-walk! Jill turned up five minutes later just as the rain began to get hella heavy. We ate, drank and discussed comedy for most of the afternoon.
Just over a year ago, Steve recommended Pappy’s Fun Club to me and told me to try and go see them (and him) at the festival. I never did, but always remembered that he’d told me to check them out whenever I heard them mentioned.
Jill had been to see them a few days before and was telling me how fantastic it had been, so I reckon I’ll go and see them with her in a few weeks. I just need to sort out a way of getting back home that same night. I’m being very rubbish and still need to check out trains, but I will do that very soon and let her know or else I am a terrible person.
Anyway, we had a lovely time talking, drinking, bitching about the lack of cake and coming up with plans to make certain comedians our unwitting husbands. It’ll be glorious, just need to get the bin-bags out…
She had to leave at 4pm, but not before being lucky enough to meet John, Rory and Ryan in the flesh. They were a bit excitable and loud, bless ‘em. After Jill left, Ryan headed to work and me and the other two stayed in the pub until after 6 o’clock when we decided to leave… in search of another pub. Oh…

It was still pissing down by the time we left and we didn’t find a better bar, so sat in the Omni Centre instead, awaiting my dear sister and Matthew. We met up with them and walked to the Stand where Rory and John left to go see Miles Jupp and then A Clockwork Orange. Me, Morven and Matthew (I realise this is not grammatically pleasing, but I do enjoy alliteration) queued up for Stewart Lee. By now, I was very very excited. In the past few months, I’ve come to the conclusion that StuLee is probably my favourite stand-up ever, despite never having seen him live. I could talk about him all day, he is just generally brilliant. So I can’t really explain how happy I was feeling just knowing that I would be seeing him live in such a small room. That time soon came…


We entered the Stand and were soon greeted by the sound of Robert Pollard’s voice. It was indeed Guided By Voices night. We had a drink and again, didn’t have to wait for long before the man took to the stage to GBV’s ‘I Am A Tree’… but the mic wasn’t working. “What an anti-climax…” he said as it began to work. What followed was one of the greatest hours of comedy I’ve ever witnessed. Little things made me very happy too, such as the one time he came off-script, so to speak, was to mention that he once saw a rat just lying on its back with no shame. Nobody really responded to this, but he was really laughing just remembering it and I thought, “This is the real Stewart Lee…” It was very very sweet.
Several topics were covered, including Top Gear, school days, country living and Magners. There was even a bit of music. Without giving too much away, he picked up a guitar to play a song. No, never fear, this is not StuLee going all gimmicky and novelty-band on us, but as he said, noting the tense silence as he put the strap over his shoulder, “The final taboo is a man on a stage trying to do something well and sincerely…”
And he did just that. I wanted to shed a little tear as the whole thing was rather lovely, but he didn’t allow too much time for sentimentality and added in some of his own lyrics to the cover he was playing which reminded us all of why he was singing it in the first place.

I left feeling a lot of admiration for that guy. I’m also pretty sure I saw Rhod Gilbert coming out of the Stand too. I cannot wait for Mr Lee’s triumphant return to Aberdeen in November. Granted, it’s at the Music Hall, so the intimacy will be lost, but I still predict it’ll be something special…

Matthew decided he’d be best getting home as he had work in the morning, so the sister and I walked up to the Underbelly ourselves in search of something to do. We decided to judge all of the flyerers and go see a show based on who flyered for it best. In the end, we got talking to two American guys who persuaded us to go and see their version of a Sherlock Holmes mystery…


The two guys at the bottom are the ones who we spoke to outside beforehand. They were very charming and very funny. The whole show was silly, but in a good way. I believe the Scotsman is correct with their “delighful hour” review.
To be honest, this could have gone either way. We were going based on the good patter we got from those promoting the show, but it paid off. Thoroughly enjoyable and recommended if you fancy a chuckle at some well-timed buffoonery. They had a lot of reviewers in on  Friday, so I’m hoping they were generous with the stars!

We left with our LOL-appetites fully satisfied and caught up with John and Rory. As soon as we found them, a beatboxing man drew up a crowd and a man on a bike/piano wowed us. Street performers we actually enjoyed? Whodathunkit? We wandered around and found a pub and sat outside despite the fact that it was…moist. It was here I realised that I’d spent more time in pubs than I had seeing shows, but apparently this is the Edinburger way of doing the fringe and I enjoyed being a local… We sat round telling stories and making each other laugh. It was really all you could possibly want in an evening. Then we went in search of food. As we passed an underpass, we heard drumming and would have kept walking past it had John not spotted that amongst four people dancing was the beatbox man and a guy on the bongos. We decided to join in and soon were essentially raving in an underpass. Many more came and joined in but most walked past looking bemused. Including, I think, at one point, Wil Hodgson. So that was exciting. Check out the badass moves of my comrades…

We left as beatbox man took his last beatboxin’ breath and continued to get food. Then we waited outside the silent disco to see if we could catch Ryan, who we couldn’t get hold of. A man resembling an 80s James Dean was sprawled on a wall looking like a tit, but didn’t seem to realise this until a man walked past and asked him if he was an installation. He moved pretty quick. And then, who turned up? Beatbox man! He started to do his thing, but as it was 3am, the police told him to stop and he left.

Ryan never showed, so we decided we’d walk to his flat and buzz. “He has to come home sometime…” About 30metres from where we’d been waiting with the coppers/the fuzz/the rozzers/etc, beatbox man had started up again, but was whisper-beatboxing so as not to alert the coppers/the fuzz/the rozzers/etc. It made me laugh a lot.

We eventually got to Ryan’s and Rory and John were buzzed in. We said goodnight and went to catch a cab, which ended up being far cheaper than we imagined although the driver may have been a little deaf. Then it was straight to bed.

In the morning I woke at about 11am and slowly got ready to leave with the sister who was due to meet up with a friend at 1pm. We went into town for that time and I left her to go to Vinyl Villains on Leith Walk where I walked behind a man with the greatest comb-over I’ve ever seen. In the record shop, I picked up a Smiths single (‘Ask’) for £1. It is one of my favourites. Bargain. Then I just sort of… wandered around some more until the sister called at about 2.30 and we met up. At 3pm, we met Clara and they went to see Charlie’s show. I remembered that I’d said to el Trevor that I’d go see his show, so made my way to the GRV. I was very early so bought a ticket and again sat in the bar. I read some of the free papers and magazines I’d accumulated over the past few days and shuddered at the horribly middle-class conversation the people who sat at the same table as me got involved in. I went outside to escape and queued up there. At 4pm, we were called in for the show.


(That man on the left wot used to be in Hollyoaks wasn’t in it and was replaced by Tom Fynn.)
I didn’t know what to expect as I sat in the room we’d seen Trevor do stand-up in two days previous. All I knew was, as it says on the flyer, it was “A romantic, philosophical comedy”.
It was clear that that is exactly what it was within about ten minutes. There were only three people involved, but it was really rather lovely. Beautifully written and also with a pretty sweet soundtrack. The lighting and the music in the final scene made it really tense and I was impressed at what a bloody good actor ol’ Trev is. He even managed to keep a coughing fit under control. Now that takes skill.
I wanted to discuss the whole thing with someone, but alas I was alone, so instead listened to the people in front of me talk about it on their way outside.
I couldn’t help but feel Tom’s character may have slightly been based on Russell Brand (if I was saying this out loud, that’s the bit I would have mumbled… I can’t make the text smaller, sadly…) but this is mainly due to his narcissism and his monologue at the start of the play about how a woman (or Trevor’s character as we’re first led to believe) may regret not kissing him.
All in all, a wonderful piece and proof that you don’t need to pay much to see great art!
I wish I could have phrased that less like a dick.

By the time I got out, it was 5pm and I rushed to meet Morven and company. I did so and chuckled at Clara and Charlie’s childhood tales. I managed to resist a White Russian by going to get food, but by the time we got to the Doric and were ready to order, I noticed the time and how I only had thirty minutes before I’d to catch my bus. I had to settle for a take-away at a well-known fast food chain instead. Disappointing, but necessary.

I sadly said goodbye to my sister at the station, then remembered that I’m back down in Edinburgh on the 25th for a few days. I have a ticket to see David O’Doherty and would also like to see Paul Foot, Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, Bridget Christie and Jon Richardson.
If that happens, expect another unnecessarily long blog.

For now, I’ll leave you with a picture that makes me stupidly happy.

So much joy.

I’m happy, hope you’re happy too…

The Degenerate Parade

May 5, 2009

Recurring theme of this week looks set to be: Assholes.

…But more on that later.
Last week consisted mainly of frustration at my lack of ability to talk about myself. Had to fill out a very important application form and talk about aspirations, ambitions and motivations. I have it all in my head, but limiting it to 9 lines without sounding like a moron was tricky. In the end I opted for sounding like a moron.

On Wednesday, we spent a lovely day being indulgent. Rory, John and I walked to the Mains and proceeded to stay there for about six hours. We sat outside in the sunshine that took us by surprise and led us to exclaim “What a lovely day!” every twenty minutes or so. We were soon joined by Ryan and Laura and generally had a very nice time and concluded we should do it more often. Then we (minus Ryan) headed back to John’s, watched some Frasier and rolled our eyes affectionately at Rory. Rory and Baz soon left, we continued with some Frasier, then headed to mine to copy a cd and watch the IT Crowd, allowing John’s love of Matt Berry to blossom.

I don’t think I did anything on Thursday…
Friday was spent in the company of my father, continuing the application form and watching Airplane. In the evening, I was far too tired and opted to go for a little nap before heading out to Pete’s birthday party. As soon as I went to put my head on the pillow, lovely Pam called and I got up and caught a bus to her place instead. We walked to Shane’s whilst discussing our futures. We’re very deep, y’know? We got to his and I listened in on their kerazy university chat. Sounds stressful. We headed out to Pete’s just after 10pm and proceeded to indulge in good-conversation and foolishness until gawd-knows what time. Me and Shane slept there and left at about 10am, feeling like death. I got on a bus, came home to an empty house, had a shower and had to go meet my mother in town again to pretend I didn’t want to throw up while failing to make an attempt at eating lunch. ‘orrible.

Eventually got home at about 3.30pm and went straight to bed with the idea that if I got some sleep then, I could go see Jeffrey Lewis at night. Woke up at 6.30 and couldn’t force myself to move. I knew I’d inevitably regret not going to see that lovely man in concert again, but I just couldn’t handle it. I watched lots of Frasier to make up for it. Eventually fell asleep again, but woke up shattered for work. Can’t really remember much of the day. Nothing too eventful happened. A fair share of irritating, impatient customers came in, one in particular stressed me out amazingly and so: sympathy hugs ensued for Kirsten.
I sighed. I came home. I finished series 1 of Frasier.

I was looking forward to work on Monday as I often do, but it was clear from my arrival that the evening would be… tricky. As I walked up the shop to the staff-only door, I spied Cat-Man. Oh woe. I don’t want to divulge too much information about his peculiar bookshop habits on such a public forum in case by some mad coincidence, he comes across this page. However what I can say is that he comes in frequently, keeps us chasing around after things for him for far too long and once left a stack of Jehova’s Witness magazines on one of the flats fanned out in a lovely presentation. He is… strange to say the least. Anyway, he had accosted Julie at this point and I managed to sprint past them to hide downstairs for half an hour before I was due to start. A regular occurence. By the time 5pm came around, he was still there and had managed to engage Joan. Poor lady. I jumped into the travel section at one point to hide. He eventually left at 5.30 (but he came back for a bit later, as predicted.) and had been there for an hour. Wow.

I presumed this would be the highlight of the usually slow evening, but no. I was standing at the till with Pete, both of us re-pricing (almost a year there and this was my first shot ever with a price-gun!) various items when a guy came over and asked if he could try to buy a book with his business credit card. I said we’d give it a shot. When it came to him typing in his PIN, it said ‘PIN locked.’ I told him this.
“So what can I do then?”
Pete wasn’t with a customer, so offered up the friendly advice that he’d probably just have to go to the bank and get a new card. He started to say that he presumed that even though it was a business card, it’d work in the same way as a regular credit card.
What the man heard was “You’re an idiot, you don’t know how a credit card works.” which was obviously not said at all. He took this as a personal insult, had a rant at Pete about how he was a thirty-five year old man and he knows how a credit card works, all the while, Pete tried to explain that he’d asked what to do next, so he was just trying to help.
The man’s ‘prick’ status was upgraded to ‘wanker’ when he said the following, “And anyway, I was actually being served by this girl who was doing a perfect job, so why don’t you butt out and get on with your stickering?”

If I’d been thinking on my feet, I’d have told him that I was refusing to serve him due to the fact that despite him being thirty-five, he obviously didn’t know how to treat people and that just because he had a business-account didn’t mean that I respected him any more than anybody else. Also, I would have pointed out that his pinstriped shirt was not flattering and that I was sure that I was soon to be hit by one of the buttons popping.

As it happens, I wasn’t thinking on my feet, and so: sympathy hugs ensued for Peter.

He didn’t even leave the shop right away, he continued to browse. I walked past him later and he smiled a you-did-good-Kid-don’t-you-find-me-attractive? smile at me. I glared. This is my small act of rebellion. I’m more than willing to give this information online, as if this man by some twist of fate comes across this blog, he might learn something, whereas Cat-Man’s harmless, really.

That put us on a downer for the rest of the night. The fact that we had nothing to do and no customers in didn’t exactly help. Slowest. Night. Ever.
Finally it ended, I bought a copy of Ghost World and caught a bus on which, a drunk old man threw up. Bleak.

Today I had to do some tests for a job I applied for a while back. Just numeracy and literacy tests. Apparently I passed as I’ve an interview with them on Friday. It’s a strange time just now. Allow me to type hypothetically for a moment. If I get this job in the metropolis in summer, great, but I’ll need some money to get myself down there. Working at the bookshop is lovely (except on the days when there are more pricks than kicks) and I adore working with everyone there, but I seriously need money to get to London and I can’t live on the wages I get from the minimal hours I do there. I just don’t wanna screw them around at an already stressful time. But c’est la vie! Might not even get this other job, might not even get the one in London, but you’ve gotta take the risks…

Realised that exactly four years ago today, we were getting ready for Granny’s funeral. Fuck, I can’t believe it’s been that long already. Insane in the membrane. I should buy some Happy Faces as a tribute to her. We bloody loved Happy Faces!

Plan for the rest of the week? Probably run into more assholes against my will. Would quite like to do something tomorrow. Possibly go to the cinema, not been for a while. Cineworld, though, so I don’t need to part with any more cash-dollars. Spent too much money I should be saving last night on the following…


Me and Amber are due to go see Let The Right One In at some point this week. It’s only showing at the Belmont though. And I’m not a student, so I predict £lots.

‘Til next time, happy gang.

In the city that I love I’m looking through your lens and I’m feeling good

April 29, 2009

What a week, gang!

Shall we do this chronologically and get it out the way in an organised fashion? I’d wait for a reply to that, but it’d require posting first and that would just confuse matters.

I’ve got a feeling this post is going to be a long one, so I will attempt to break it down with some pictures. Now, I didn’t take any pictures this week (Whaaaa’?!) but I’ll befriend Google Images.

I finally packed. As always, I left it ’til the early hours of the day I was due to depart and then complained when I woke up ridiculously tired at stupid o’clock in the morning. Despite it being a local holiday (news to me…) my father had offered to give me a lift to the station the day before. He did so and proceeded to drive straight into amazing traffic. This resulted in me getting out of the car while we were stopped at some lights, grabbing my suitcase out of the boot and running to the train station. The journey seemed to pass relatively quickly, probably due to the fact that I had a plug-socket next to me and so could abuse the free internet on my phone.

We got into Kings Cross after 3pm and within two minutes of my being there, I’d spotted somebody famous. That guy wot used to be in Coronation Street, then ended up in Dr Who… I’ve since been informed his name is Bruno Langley. Anyhoo, I dumped my case in Left Luggage and with nothing to do ’til 6pm, hopped on a tube to Oxford Circus and wandered around for a bit. I soon heard from McK and was told they were all at Water Rats, so I headed back to Kings Cross in the blistering heat to join them. I got to the venue, heard them soundchecking and ordered myself a drink and read some Will Self.

I was joined by the fellas and we sat around having a chat about nothing in particular. My favourite subject. Too soon, it was 6pm, so I dashed off to phone-a-Grace and they rushed away to fill their bellies. I called Gracie and we decided to meet at left luggage. So I retrieved my case, sat on it and five minutes later fell off. I moved to a chair instead.
The lady miss lady soon arrived and we swanned off to her place for no real reason. I’ve no idea how it got so late, but we ended up in Shepherd’s Bush at Nella and Kerry’s at about 10pm and decided to go for late dinner. Apparently, Wagamama staff will hate you if you turn up half an hour before closing. Whodathunkit?
Grace departed and the rest of us walked back to the house, stopping only to look at discarded videos. Sleep soon came.

Tuesday.
Woke up at the same time as Kerry and decided to accompany her to work. Evidently, we were the only people awake at 9.30am despite the bus being packed. This meant that we were the only ones talking. Not necessarily at great volume, but as we were the only ones, it must have been hard not to listen in. Before we got off at our stop, Kerry attempted to subtly convey some information to me. I didn’t pick up on this at all as I was attempting to write out an email on my phone and not sound like a dick in it; a difficult task for a dick like me. We got to the top of the steps and she told me to look two seats behind where we’d been sitting. I tried, blog, I really tried, but with the bus jumping up and down and me trying not to fall down the stairs AND shut my phone (which Kerry had texted out of sheer frustration of me not understanding her hints while we’d been sitting down.) up, I couldn’t concentrate, so didn’t notice the person she was trying to direct my attention to (could that be the most complicated sentence in the world?).
We got off the bus and she immediately asked if I saw who it was. I hadn’t. Turns out it was Simon (Mc)Farnaby. And he was listening in on our thrilling conversation. This made me giggle lots. Then worry about what we were talking about in case I’d inadvertently said something offensive.

I dropped Kerry off at work (I wanted to say that so I could sound like a mum) and walked down Portobello Road. The heat was insane and not many places were open, so I didn’t make it all the way down. I honestly can’t remember what I did next. Possibly went to Carnaby Street, but I’ve no idea. Was I drugged? I do remember that at about 2pm I went to Kensington Gardens, had some food, wrote Sarah a letter and lay around for about two hours in the sunshine. Amazing. Perfectly content being in my favourite city, yet doing nothing. At about 4.30, I headed back to Oxford Street-ish in the hope that I might find a quiet pub near the 100 Club to sit until 7pm-ish when I’d meet Grace. Instead, I ended up just walking around until about 6, not finding anywhere and having to settle for a Pret A Manger.

We walked down to the club and joined the queue, then left the queue and found Sarah and Lucy, then Nella and Kerry and re-joined. We didn’t get chairs for some reason, so leaned against a bar all night. Jon Richardson was hosting the comedy night. It had been announced that Sir Matt Berry had been added to the bill after we’d decided to go. Happy accident if anything. Anyway, yeah: Jon Richardson – very funny. Tom Deacon – meh, alright. Broken Biscuits – no. Then a break. Mr Berry was introduced when the interval was over. He came on, set up, did about four minutes then left the bemused faces. Andi Osho – probably not too bad, but me and Kerry were better. Phil Nichol – just no. After Berry’s set, Kerry went out for a smoke and we saw the man leave. Turns out he’d walked past her complaining to someone that he was thrown onto the bill at the last minute just so they’d have another name on the list. Poor sod, but good of him to perform anyway.
After a lost phone drama frustration, Grace made her way home and the rest of us went to the pub for a cheeky drink, then also parted ways. Nella, Kerry and I singing walking down Oxford Street. Then to the bus, then home again, home again, jiggity jig.

Wednesday.
I awoke with Kerry, again, and we jumped on the bus we’d now decided to call the Farnaby Express. He wasn’t there. I got on a tube to Victoria and decided to do my Victoria – Southwark walk. There were Sri Lanka protests down at parliament…

Even as I got to Westminster Bridge, I was regretting it due to my shit shoes and feet dying, but I struggled on and walked along Fleet Street and went into Stephen Fry’s house, the Twining’s Shop. Had never been in before, got overwhelmed by the smell of loveliness so went straight back out again. I eventually got to the Tate Modern, wandered around for a bit, then caught a tube to London Bridge at roughly 1pm where I sat in the pub with a rum and a book until about 2.30 when the wonderful Sarah turned up. We had a couple of drinks, sat about there for most of the afternoon, had a quick jaunt to Notting Hill to retrieve a bag I’d left with Kerry and then headed to Kings Cross to go meet Lynsey and Anna at a pub near the Scala. We were soon joined by Jill, Katie and Grace and then we rescued Jubey from the Scala queue and brought her back to the pub.

We left for the venue quite late and missed the support band by standing around talking and admiring people’s boots. By the time we bothered ourselves to go through to the stage, the place was packed, it was fantastic. All those people there for that one man. Lovely. And he came on and lapped it up and looked slightly taken aback at how it was a full house. I felt happy for him. The man did good.
Spoke to him briefly afterwards despite having nothing to say. I did not demand a hug, therefore feel I have redeemed myself. I’ve just remembered that I put on my life-list something like “Meet Matt Berry again and leave him not thinking I’m peculiar…” as a joke, but I could probably technically score it off now. Eff it, I’m gonna. It’ll make it look like I’ve done more.

After the gig, I headed with Anna and Sarah back to their abode and proceeded to stay up ’til 5am with Sarah watching the Apprentice and… god knows what else we did for four more hours! Youtube was involved. And general internetness. And cups of tea.

On Thursday we just hung out all day. Walked around, went to Kensington Gardens again. Missed Kerry somehow, but I’ve got a feeling we were waiting at different gates. I felt really terrible about it anyway and ate too many croissants to take my mind off the harrowing guilt. I later bought her something pretty to make up for it.
We had some Pimm’s, then food and drinks with Lynsey, Jill and Katie. We were enjoying the quiet, but lovely atmosphere until several old men turned up. One of whom smelled Lynsey’s jacket. He was strange. We called it a night not long after and again, I made my way to Chez Sarah.

We took it easy again on Friday. We somehow managed to spend the whole morning making cds and watching Darkplace. I wish I could spend every morning doing that. After saying “I really better do something…” for about 2 hours, I finally left in the early afternoon. I said a nearly-tearful goodbye to the Lady Miss Penrose and sat still on the train. Sad times. Then McGrogz called as we were pulling into London Bridge and that cheered me up a bit. As time went on, I started to feel really crap in my tum-tum, so abandoned plans to go to Camden and get a Friday ticket to the Crawl. I went sad again ‘cos I knew it was my last chance to see Grace, but I really couldn’t face the crowds. I sat alone in Kensington Gardens, doing a bit of writing. Mainly self-pitying mumbo and jive about how I felt shit and didn’t wanna go home. I took some pills and about an hour later started to feel better. Decided to walk around Oxford Street for a bit, then go meet Kerry from work.
We met up, then tried to find a pub that wasn’t packed to go and sit in. We were soon joined by (look, gonna be formal and use real names…) James and Paul and spent a delightful evening out the front of the pub discussing anything we could think of. Then we moved on and just had a relaxing night basking in each other’s company and generally having a lovely time. Good company, good conversation, good drinking. A perfect final evening.
Then we caught the bus back to Shepherd’s Bush and with a heavy, but moderately tipsy, heart I went to sleep.

On Saturday, again I woke when Kerry woke and joined her on the bus to Notting Hill. For the gazillionth (…fifth?) time in two days, I said another sad goodbye and dragged my case to Camden for a last-minute search for shoes. To no avail. I ended up in Waterstone’s there and bought a book purely based on the fact that it was “fate” (there was one copy left and the shop was playing the Lovecats.)

I made my way to Kings Cross early, waited a while for my platform to be announced and boarded the train to Edinburgh with a head full of memories and a bag full of… leaflets, mainly. Then we changed in Edinburgh and were in Aberdeen by about 8.30pm. After the week of glorious sunshine down south, it was inevitably raining up in the Granite City. I sighed and wanted to cry a bit, but sisterresisted.

Here we are. It’s Tuesday (technically Wednesday morning) and I’m feeling better. I’ll move there soon. I’m hopeful… I think.

Sorry if you read all of that. It got a bit… lacklustre at the end there.
You are clearly mentally ill or dedicated to chronological rambling. Either way, I admire you. Have a prize.

*

A Big Ben duck!

*This may or may not have been the “something pretty” I bought for Kerry… I am an amazing friend…

Time For Heroes

March 17, 2009

It’s sometimes difficult to start a blog when you’ve got the frustration of wanting to discuss something at great length, but you know you’ve to write about other things before it. So I’ll start with a joke… My favourite one, in fact…
Actually, no, it’s really long, so here’s the punchline: “Everyzing up until now vas satisfactory!”
HA!

Anyway, on with the show…
Last week, I got to witness Rob Brydon’s new stand-up show. I didn’t really know what to expect as it was his first tour as himself. Turns out, he gives good comedy. Me and Emma were sat in the front row (something I often avoid) and managed to escape being picked on. He told some stories, did some singing and embarrassed a fifteen year old. At the end, he came down to the crowd and high-fived the front row. I pushed Emma into trying to help him get back onstage and he climbed on her face but failed to get up. She needs “Rob Brydon hung onto me like a baby koala” on a tshirt. Other than that I’d just been doing some overtime until Friday when I had things that were good to look forward to.

Caught the bus to Edinburgh at 11.35am and was there before 3. Got some food and bought the History Boys on dvd. Nope, I’m not 100% certain as to why either. Soon, I met up with my sister and Jill and we were later joined by Matthew. We ate cake and I was given part of my Christmas present. A tiny camera. With a hamster on it. Winnn!
I ended up buying Jill some tea after checking out her flat. We sat in the Piccante for a long time talking about everything, but mainly things that infuriate us. We did consider going to the cinema, but opted for pub instead, then headed back to the flat where we spent about three hours on youtube watching videos to 90s dance classics… and Shaggy’s ‘It Wasn’t Me’.

Saturday made me shiver with every paper I delivered… The following may contain irrelevant information and too much detail, but my brain can’t comprehend what happened on Saturday, so I need to do things step-by-step.
I can only apologise in advance.

I woke up quite early and attempted to coax my phone into letting me onto Twitter. It took a good few tries, but eventually it surrendered to my charms. I figured out how to trick it into showing me my direct messages and remembered that I’d told Sir Linehan, who was in Glasgow the day before, to go to Mono and so asked if he’d found it and mentioned I was gonna make an appearance there later on that day to spend a voucher I’ve had for ages. He asked if I was in town and I told him that Jill and I were gonna be seeing Lily Allen in Glasgow that night, so were maybe gonna get a train there earlier than planned and do some shopping. He suggested we meet up for a drink. His reasoning behind suggesting this was, and I hope he does not feel I’m being indiscreet in revealing this, was that I’d kept him entertained on Twitter and am “obviously not crazy.”
And no, I wouldn’t normally mention this (except the not crazy bit, that made me laugh) but I like to think that’s another plus point for Twitter right there. I only joined in the first place because Sarah had said “It’s so pointless, you’d love it!” and Mr Linehan and Mr Fry were on there being natually funny and interesting. Now, I get defensive if someone makes some ignorant comment about it. It’s a lovely little site. If websites had human characteristics, it would definitely be sweet and naive and your favourite lovely character in a tv show.
So, after much thought as to how we would get to shop and meet up and get to the gig, I seriously thought I might have to consider turning the man down. But how could I? It’s not every day that your absolute hero expresses a desire to have a chat. (I also hope that if you’re reading, you might have blushed at “absolute hero” or at least gone “aw, shucks!” ’cos that’s what people do in cartoons, and life would be much better if it was more like a cartoon.)

Anyway, we said 4ish at Mono, but it was clear by the time that our amazingly slow train pulled into Glasgow at 3.20pm and Jill’s belly was a-rumbling that this wouldn’t happen. I optimistically plumped for 4.30pm instead. We went for food at about 3.30 and pondered what the correct way to indicate you want your free refill without holding your glass in the air until it has been filled is. None of our attempts worked. By the time we left, it was 4.10ish and I was freaking out a bit and was feeling nervous at the prospect of having to be charming and witty and lovely. At 4.15, Jill, a new Primark-deprived Edinburger discovered aforementioned shop. It was busy. I was running late. At about twenty to five, my anxious face was noticed and she told me to go, saying, “Listen, if Paula Radcliffe was texting me to tell me to go meet up with her, you’d tell me to go!”

I sprinted to Mono.

When I got there, I glanced around. It too was weirdly busy. Then I remembered it was a Saturday. And normal people go into town on Saturdays. I headed towards the record shop and saw the man himself walking up to the counter to buy some cds. I waited until he turned around and then, because I lack social skills and am basically a giant nerd, I, and I’m not ashamed of this (well… a bit), did Phill Jupitus’s Patented Twitter Gang Sign. Shut up, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We shook hands and I left him to continue keeping independent record shops alive whilst I went to get us some drinks. We sat down at a table and what followed was two hours of utter joy. “Shooting the shit”, if you will!
There are points in your life where you resent being asked certain questions. For example, I’ve never been a 40yr old divorcee, but I would imagine they tense up when asked how the love-life is. At this point in my life, I dread being asked what I’m doing with myself. This was the moment that I was asked this by one of the people I look up to most.
“So, what do you do?”
“Um… well… not much, to be honest…”
Usually, at this point, most people would recoil in horror or hit me with a stick or spit on my lack of further-education, but this led to discussions of London and jobs there. I began to feel at ease.

Comedy was discussed, as was music, Twitter, politics, this blog, his blog, writing, the pro-points of limitations, London, bbc3, weird comedians, good comedians, technology and the bloody internet.
We were joined by Stephen from the Pastels, who co-owns Monorail and whom I’d met a few times before. He was, as ever, a delight. I couldn’t have wished for better company with these two guys. The conversation was interesting and generally lovely. I don’t know how much more I can say without the internet exploding under my gushiness. Stephen had to go and pretend to be working and Graham pondered how we’d go about making the meeting official, ie: getting it on Twitter.
It took a lot of time and attempting to download certain iPhone apps to get a decent picture, but eventually we got one that met our very high standards. It was taken by Jill, who I’d had to track down in just a tshirt after abandoning my jacket and bag at the table. She’d be angry if I didn’t mention she’d taken the photo (skillz.)
We had a few attempts before she turned up. This was the best one, but it wouldn’t send to sir’s iPhone…

Soon enough, we all had to leave get on with our lives, but I didn’t let him get away without shaking his hand again.

And that was that. Jill and I walked to the o2 to go and see Lily Allen, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to concentrate much as my mind was going mental. Ho ho. On the way there, I presumed the Tweet must have gone through as I got about 12 texts asking me what the hell was going on and a Big Issue guy talked us into buying a copy of his magazine. We discussed Annie Lennox. Then his homeless friend came up and shook me by the hand. I couldn’t help but think “Merely ten minutes ago, I had shaken Graham Linehan’s hand… now, a tramp’s…” Ah well, easy come, easy go: it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

We joined the hella long queue and were soon in. We were attacked by the air conditioning and as it was so powerful, I believe I may have shouted “It’s the apocalypse!” to which Jill pretended she wasn’t with me.

La Roux came on and I’m sure she was very good, but at this point, I was still running on adrenaline and wanted Lily onstage and I wanted it then and there. When she did eventually come on, she was amazing. And very funny. And I’ve only just discovered this. She looked like she was enjoying herself and was just generally fantastic. I feel a bit wrong giving her this tiny paragraph, but there’s not much to say. I expected excellence and she delivered. I would recommend her to a friend.

Jill stopped for noodles on the way to the train station. They smelled amazing. She ate them on the train where we were on the drunk-carriage and were roped into a sing-song of If Tomorrow Never Comes by the inebriated. Then a “spare prick” as he kept describing himself, came and sat next to us and made us laugh all the way to Edinburgh.
I managed to persuade Jill into joining Twitter which was another achievement. I don’t think she’s too hot on it, but at least she’s there. She’s now just using the word ‘Twitter’ as a noun, adjective and verb. I sometimes think she has a speech-impediment that has not yet been recognised in the medical profession.

Again, I awoke early on Sunday. I headed to the train station to go and meet Jill T.
OCH AYE it was good to get all the comedy-speak out there. The people I’m friends with up here can only stand so much of my inane chattering like a monkey. But, kindred spirits and all that. We exchanged stories and disappointment at restaurants and their crappy refills/cake policies these days. She went to Edinburgh the day before purely to get cake the size of her head from the Conan Doyle only to find out they don’t do it any more. Imagine! I was having a lovely old time, so much so that I lost track of how long I’d been there and realised I needed to catch a train back to the ‘Burgh or I’d miss my bus home to Aberdeen.
So, again, with a heavy heart, we parted ways and I rushed to the station. Got back to Edinburgh and walked with Matthew to the bus. It was then that I realised I could sit down and relax for the first time all weekend. Even so, I was still buzzing. Still am.

I got to work today and it was so dead that it just destroyed me. I was allowed the time to stop and think and I just felt overpowered by some weird, horrible force.

I need to act quickly.
Someone is calling you.

Gabba Gabba Hey

February 19, 2009

Oh my god, this blog is taking forever to write. Don’t want to neglect this here page, but have not much to say. Or little motivation.

A couple of us went out for drinks for Stuart leaving the ‘Stones. Water, not Rolling. It was sad oh sad. But as per tradition, he did get to wear my necklace for a bit. We ended up going home earlier than planned, but it meant I had the cheapest night out ever. Good for one with so little money. Me and Pam (HI PAMELA!!! …ahem.) walked to her’s whilst having a good ol’ chat, so that was nice. And gave us a bit of exercise.
I caught a bus from outside her place. Like I say, it was a cheap night.

As touched upon in the last blog, I was due to see the Brand in Glasgow the next day. But I got off the bus, came home and found I’d an email saying he’d cancelled. By this point, it was 1am on the day I was supposed to be travelling to see him so too short notice to get money back for the bus or the Travelodge, so we decided we’d go anyway. Skip to the next day and we eventually get to Glasgow after a bus journey which resulted in me sitting next to a sleeping boy and later, a baby that kept groping my leg. Christ, kid, buy me a drink first. The child’s mother had odd ways of entertaining it. She put music on her phone. Clubland type stuff you usually hear from the back of the bus. Old McDonald it ain’t. The kid seemed to be loving it. Strange. I hope this was a one-off and didn’t signal the definite decline of the music industry. Yes, so, we got there and Keri felt weird. We walked to our Travelodge whilst claiming it was “just another five minutes” to her. You’ve gotta give ‘em hope. So, we managed to convince her she needed food so headed to the restaurant across the road. Not before Laura showed us her mad skillz though…

Oddly, it was easy enough to get a table despite it being Valentine’s day (oh, is it?). Soon we were fed and by now it was dark. We told Keri to go back to the Travelodge (oh, we were in room 101 by the way. Sigh.) and we’d go pick up some booze and some crappy films (I brought my dvd player, forgot any dvds) and some playing cards. We were gone ages. But returned with insanely long straws, some cider and vodka and lemonade to sit in the bath, three dvds (the Break Up, Confetti and Dumb & Dumber if you’re really intrigued) and some Quantum of Solace playing cards. We managed to spend the next few hours watching crappy Saturday night tv and dvds.

The straws proved very handy for comfortable seating positions…

So yeah, basically spent the night how we coulda spent it at home… and for less money. Grr… Ah well, was still nice though. And it was nice to get a lie-in on Sunday too. Aaaah.

AH! One thing (well there’s two really but we’ll get to that) I’ve neglected to mention is Lucifer Box! FINALLY pulled my finger out (…why am I using head-teacher phrases?) and finished all three novels in about a week and am very sad that there are no more. Gatiss is the man. But there are gaps between stories, so plenty of room for more. But since reading, I have concluded I would like a man who wears braces and uses phrases like “What the deuce?!” and occasionally ends sentences with “what.” (“Let’s get slaughtered, what!”)
I did say “By jingo” earlier on without meaning too. My subconscious lives in the olden days.

Second thing. Bad Movie Club happened. I wrote “happened” then remembered the film was ‘the Happening’. My subconscious lives in the olden days and in a world where puns are perfectly acceptable (we can but dream!) and it was very very very funny. Words cannot describe the Happening. Well, they can, but it needs to be seen to be believed. Mark Wahlberg is my new hero. Actually, no, the old woman who gets to say “Why ya eyein’ ma lemon drink..?” wins Best Line and so becomes my hero by default. Well done, lady.

Payday tomorrow. It’s sad that currently it’s all I’m looking for. Someone offer me a job and a flat in London please?

No, wait, come back! I’m sorry!

January 30, 2009

Apologies for the shitty non-update yesterday. Usually I’d just leave it and close the window, but for some reason I posted…

Yeah, so… alright week. They’re turning monotonous but hey ho, doesn’t everything for a while?
Wednesday was strange. Everyone who usually comes out seemed to have other plans, so me, Rory and John decided to go to the quiz. But we got there too late and it was packed, so we had a drink downstairs, remembered Keri was working at the Mains so got on a bus back where we’d come from and went there instead. A wasted journey into town, I feel, but I had a ticket so it was only time I spent. Anyway, we had a lot of fun together. Good to see them after so long of not doing so. I was told they missed me so instead of drinking too much, we decided we’d “do brunch” at John’s the next day.

So we did that yesterday. Basically an entire afternoon of watching (Rhys Darby’s dvd and) Frasier with good company. All in all, a good day.

Today I was awoken by the post. It was all parcels. Including:

Yas min.

So, I headed into town with the mother. Ended up lunching at Slains and started to feel a bit like aids (took some drugs, all better now) and went to hand in some CVs at crappily named employment agencies. Big sigh.

Tonight I go see Robin Ince. Very much looking forward to it although annoyed that it falls on the same day as Charlie Brooker’s new channel 4 show ‘You Have Been Watching’ filming and my friend Jane’s band being in town for the first time. Check them out anyway: www.myspace.com/peterparkerglasgow 
And if by any chance anyone in Aberdeen reads this, they’re playing tonight (30th January) at Drummonds. Go. Go. Go. Do it. Go now. Go quickly.

I’m off to get ready for a night of amusing atheist ramblings. May god have mercy on my soul…

Universal Truths and Cycles

January 13, 2009

The following was written at Slain’s Castle, the unofficial HQ of Excess 2008.
I had this pretty epic post all typed out and ready to go. But that was back at the end of 2008. Literally SO last year. Back just before my computer bailed on me. (Long story short: just after Christmas the computer effed up, then it died completely at the ‘puter hospital while I was in LANDAN at New Year. We got it back about 10 days later, a new old processor with all our crap on it only to find that the monitor didn’t work with it, so we used our old HUGE monitor and it worked. Then we couldn’t get internet for a bit, but now we finally have it. Done.)
So, I basically had this ramble about how, as it was happening, 2008 seemed “yeah, alright, I guess…” but upon reflection, it was probably my best year so far. I look at 2006 through a rose-tinted haze due to the friends I made and the experiences I gained through them.
Thus, more briefly than originally planned, I’m gonna summarise 2008. Usually I’d furnish it with events that occurred, but I’d not be right in the head if I just mentioned things and not the numerous amazing people I encountered on my little adventure of ‘08. For those who are perhaps curious, the highlights of my year were probably all the painful Megabus journeys I made and the magic that often ensued. Particularly three: June 16th – the Snuff Box dvd launch; October 10th – seeing the IT Crowd being filmed; November 25th – seeing Jarvis live in Sheffield. But again, these events are not just fantastic on their own, but because of the company I kept. Here we go then… chronologically…

My Aberdeen Hombrés: 2008 was significant in that I left school and while everyone I know has continued down that merry path to further education, I’ve flipped it the bird and am stumbling down the cobbles of the unknown. It’s overgrown, chaotic and sometimes depressing. But ultimately I love it and don’t regret it. None of you guys read this bloggy-wog, so I’m gonna keep it brief, but I want to thank you for giving me an insanely fun final year of school. Yes, perhaps we should have been preparing for the future or perfecting our “homework” and not playing Funnybones snap while eating rosey apples and drinking Irn-Bru, but we’re not squares. To those who turned up still wasted from the party (uh… bbq) last night to endure the final day of sitting in a daze especially. Never forget where you’re coming from.

Mother, Father, Morven: Fuck, this is turning into an acceptance speech. Anyway, I’ll keep it short. Mother and Father suddenly developed nonchelant attitudes which allowed me the chance to go to London in June and travel to random places since then. That week of “if you can find a way of getting there for cheap and find a place to stay that doesn’t cost much cash-dollar, go for it” was TERRIFYING as I’m a pessimistic effer and presumed the situation would fly by and I’d not be onboard. Morven though. Saviour. You accompanied me on that gruelling nine hour journey to London town. You endured the eye-rollingly hilarious-but-at-the-same-time-frightening presence of the Glasgow alcoholics with me and for that I am eternally grateful. That journey was the journey that started them all. Whenever I do the epic Victoria-Southwark walk, I think of you. Thank you for keeping me company while I spazzed out about being in the presence of my comedy idols. Thank you for just generally being the coolest person I know. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to go, so I owe you. Big time. And I love you. Long time.

Sarah and Lynsey (and Matt Berry, Rich Fulcher and Peter Serafinowicz, I suppose!): When I announced that I was gonna go to the launch, Lynsey was ever-so lovely, offering me advice on general Londonness and telling me to get in touch if I got lost or needed anything. As it turns out, Piccadilly is confusing to rookies, although, I still maintain that it’s stupidly laid out! I won’t get into that hoopla, but it resulted in me and my sister in a panic eventually tracking down the wonderful Pigalle Club (by Waterstone’s, but I don’t think I noticed this at the time) and walked past the surprisingly large queue to be stopped by “Kirsten?”. Lynsey and Sarah. Winner. They were insanely lovely from the off and invited us to their table, thus allowing us the opportunity to shout “horse-piss!” in a sophisticated establishment. Life ambition complete! Then I got to meet the idols, indulge in good conversation and many Fulch-hugs and an awkward Berry-hug. Serafinowicz though. Nice! He looked genuinely touched when I complimented him, but I think he was pretty drunk. ANYWAY, if you want to read about that spectacular eve, go here. The point is: Sarah and Lynsey remained. I stayed in touch and I’m glad I did. Over the last few months especially, our friendship has grown into something rather lovely and I suppose I should also thank this place for getting us together to begin with! Sarah, I am still indebted to you for IT Crowd funtimezz and for generally being awesome. I know it’s probably been one of my most-said phrases to you in the last few months, but you know I’m here if you need to chat or just vent. Lynsey, if you really wanna move to the US of States, you’ll find a way of making it happen. Just don’t forget to come home once in a while! Peace and fucking, x.

Gracie: Oh, sister sister! Words cannot express how integral you were to my 2008. I remember before we met up, we had that massive conversation on the phone where you essentially asked why I wanted to move out by the time I was 19 and be in London by my 21st when I could just work on getting to London sooner. In other words, it’s partly your fault I want to be there and I want to be there now! Anyway, our meeting was so relaxed and probably the first time I’ve met an internerd without feeling a little bit nervous. Pret A Manger in Marble Arch makes me happy. I  may have been unbelievably tired after a sleepless bus journey, but this didn’t make me any less joyful and excited to wave the WIN paper at you. So yeah, since then it’s continued to be beautious and although my father is feeling the pressure of having to come up with as many crappy puns as usual, I’m looking forward to you living with me for a few days. I’m so disappointed that I have to work on Sunday though, but we’ll just have a killer Saturday to make up for it. Granted, there’s not too much to do here, but we’ll think of something! Keep on keeping on.

Rhiannon: Rhirving! I know we didn’t hang out much, but it was nice to enjoy a train journey with you and your friends! It’s always really strange when I meet people and they say they’ve been to Aberdeen though. No-one’s been to Aberdeen!

Jubey: Oh, Jubey, I hardly knew ye! It took so long, but we got there in the end. The one thing I regret about that night was that I’d been claiming since December 2007 that we’d both go see the Boosh and we’d meet the Barratt afterwards but we never did. It makes me so happy that you did eventually get to meet him though. You’ve achieved so much this year, it’s insane. But fantastic.

Underhill: Oh, Marty, what would I do without you? …Probably just be stupidly bored and wouldn’t laugh as much or enjoy going on buses. ‘Twas wonderful to make your acquaintance that cold Glesgae eve and the hilarity that ensued was ridiculous. In fact, that whole trip was genius: get it on the List. I hope we both get to London this year and can spend a day just going fucking anywhere for £5(.90). I’m glad that this beautiful friendship spawned from anarchy and being irritating to squares (“Fuck off, Scott!”). I think it set the tone for the future: I’m going to continue laughing. A lot.

Sawyer: Atwood, where’ve you been all my life? After reading your epic life story, I feel like I know everything about you but still have a lot more to learn of, it’s strange. Anyway, yes, you’re still one of the most chilled out and seemingly patient people I know (yeah, you claim you’re not, but you certainly give that impression). Glasgow was too funny and New Year was awesome too. You’re hella comfy! Thanks for the mammories, I’ll get you in a rematch of Top Trumps some day.

Selly: I was clearing out the inbox on my phone the other day and came across a text from you that just said “Well, I want eggs but there are none left. You are really nice. X” and it made me laugh and ‘aww!’ at the same time. I’m very glad to be your friend. Your company in Sheffield was amazing, plus, you know how to dance! I apologise profusely for falling on you at New Year, I hope I didn’t cause too much damage! But yeah, lady, love you long time!

Garry: Oh, mon artiste! Where to start? Why did it take so long? You’re only about an hour’s train journey away! I’m still very happy that we finally got to sit down and have a few drinks, but we must definitely do it again sometime. The itinerary can be: hop on atheist bus, listen to lots of Eighties Matchbox, hop off, get some drinks, watch some dvds and ponder life! I’m so glad you’re loving being an art school kid, I don’t think you realise how amazing your work is, but you really should. I would be happy to hang any of your pieces on my wall. Speaking of which, my pimp mobile is currently blu-tacked to mine under a London tube map. It makes me smile.

Sarah and Dan: Again, it took far too long for this meeting to happen, but I’m delighted that it did! You two are both so lovely and are willing to do anything to make sure people are happy which is terribly sweet. Thank you for giving us all shelter on NYE and being the host and hostess with the most and mostest! I hope things work out job-wise for you, Sarah. But I reckon if you managed to make loads of bracelets and necklaces and the like, you’d find lots of places willing to sell them ‘cos they’re fantastic. I can’t wait for Morrissey. Team Brixton will kick arse. I look forward to this prospect.

Nella: Oh lady miss lady! You make me laugh long time. And you have an amazing taste in everything. I hope you manage to find someone to accompany you to represent the team at the Berry gig. If not, I’m sure he’ll tour and I’m sure I’ll manage to talk myself into going to one of the London gigs he’ll inevitably do, so per’aps see you then. If not, see you in May. Hurrah! Mozmozmoz!

Right, that just about covers the fantastic friends who were vital in 2008, on with the show! Now, where was I? Let’s start from Christmas, shall we?

Morven and Matthew came up on Christmas eve eve and from then on, we had a full house. On Christmas eve we didn’t do much during the day. In the early evening, I went to the Mains with Laura and Ryan and it was packed. Keri was behind the bar and rushed off her feet and Ryan ended up very drunk. It was most amusing. I left early and watched A Muppet’s Christmas Carol, as per every Christmas eve, with the sister and her boy. Then we all went to bed. I watched AD/BC before drifting off as not only is it sheer genius, but it’s all about the nativity so was relevant!
I woke up and ’twas Christmas. We took a while opening all of our stuff which, for me, included: a Dara O’Briain dvd; Rhys Darby’s dvd; inexplicably, a remote control helicopter from Keri; a Make Your Own Spoon Person set; various stocking regulars and an amazing book of postcards called Lost Heroes.
The day passed nicely with us having our dinner with AD/BC on in the background (and the soundtrack when it was finished) and then all of us, minus dad went for a little walk. For some reason I still don’t understand, I decided it would be fun to bring my scooter with me. So I did. Strange. At night time, we were joined by my uncle, auntie and cousin. Much drinking ensued. When they left, I watched some Dara O’Briain and had conversations about businesses with the sister. Fun times. All in all, a lovely lovely christmas. 

On boxing day we didn’t do much again until night time. It was pantotime! Me, Laura, Morven and Matthew got to the theatre and met up with my auntie Carol, Graeme and Dionne. Soon, little Alan turned up and then Granny, auntie Annie, Emma and Nicola. Go team! We found our seats at the back of the stalls and got excited at the prospect of Dr Karl Kennedy as Captain Hook gracing the stage in mere moments. Me and the sister went in search of Maltesers and ended up getting Indian headbands too. When we got back to our seats, Alan, Graeme and Dionne were jealous, so went to buy some crap too.
I’d not been to the panto in years. It was good getting into it. God, I love shouting “Boooo!” and “Hisssssssssss!” at camp actors in a dramatic fashion. Dr Karl was on tip top form and we made plans to go see him perform at the Lemon Tree a week later. We didn’t go in the end which I’m quite sad about. After the show, a few of us went to the Hog’s Head for a few drinks, but we left quite early due to lame tiredness.

I don’t think we did much on the Saturday either. On the Sunday, I had work, but we ended up going to see Twilight at the cinema afterwards. It was hilarious. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to be, but the dialogue was crap beyond belief which made it even more funny.

On the Monday, I accompanied the family into town to drop off the sister and her boy at the bus station. An amusing incident occurred in which my mother thought I was still in the car when I wasn’t made us cry with laughter and I left the two to get on their bus and headed to work. Again, I was happy to be there and for about the fourth time in 2008, I felt like it was the last day of school before the Christmas holidays. On Tuesday, I woke up at about 6am and was on a Megabus to London by 7. The journey was quite pleasant. I was sat alone for the majority of it and had plenty of room. Again, about 45 minutes from our destination, I just stared out the window and took it all in. It was dark and as it was still technically the christmas period, everything was lit up and it looked even lovelier than normal. I’d heard from Grace earlier that she was in room 309, so I decided to get the tube to the Travelodge and just go straight up. I think this shocked her a bit, but was still funtimes. We watched some tv and I read her sickbagnote (sickbagnote… they’re my favourite band…) and then we ventured to the 24hr shop and then Chicken Cottage (…mmm.) and back to the Travelodge. I was hella tired, but lay in bed chatting away. We were momentarily distracted by a More Than ad but struggled on. Eventually we went to sleep.

I woke up at about 9.30ish and had a shower, came out and Grace was awake. We ended up watching crappy kids tv shows as we got all of our stuff together. We decided we’d leave most of our bags at Kings Cross. We did so and then headed to Camden where we wandered around for a few hours. And we ended up at Mornington Crescent which filled us with too much joy. We heard Selly was due into London at about 4pm, so made plans to meet up with her. We collected our bags from the station, found out that Grace had been overcharged and so we were forced to take free travel items from the rack. Aww… We got to London Bridge station and got on a train to Anerley where we met up with Selly and walked to Sarah and Dan’s. We got to the flat, dropped off some bags and then me and Selly went to Tesco to get supplies, ie: gin and rum. On our way out, we bumped into Kerry and Sawyer. Almost a full house! On our return, we drank and played the hilarious Strike It Lucky dvd game and music themed Trivial Pursuit. At about 8.30pm everyone had lost track of time and we were wondering why it wasn’t nearly midnight. Then things get a bit hazy. I don’t remember what all we did for the whole time, but I remember trying to diffuse a situation over the phone, bumming Morrissey, printing out my Morrissey ticket, nearly getting a quiff and then midnight happening and being the only Scottish person, I was designated ringleader of Auld Lang Syne. Fail. Give me Travis and the Proclaimers any day!
Again, I don’t remember much. except that Sarah blew up an airbed all on her own. Skills. Then there were four on the floor and two on the couch and we watched Darkplace ’til about 6am and I fell asleep on Sawyer who is mucho comfortable for such a skinny fella! Well done, Chino!

The next day, we awoke and watched the New Bear’s Concert. Next time, we go to Vienna and under-dress. We lounged around most of the day and discovered the delights of Deidre Hall. Nella and Selly got taught how to knit too. It was just generally a lovely day! We watched the whole of Peep Show series one and ended up leaving later than planned. Was sad to say goodbye to Sarah, Dan and a bit later, Selly, but again: Morrissey in May. Let’s make this precious!

Me, Grace, Kerry and Nella got on a train back to London Bridge, then a tube from there to our Travelodge, checked in again and headed to room 110. Then we headed back to London Bridge and went to the Rose where Lynsey and Sarah were. Sarah stayed for about half an hour longer than intended, but it was still lovely to see her even if it was brief. It was much busier in there than anticipated, but I suppose it’s ‘cos it was new year’s day. I look forward to returning when it’s quiet and I can sit in a corner with a book like a nerd. Anyway, we drank, we spoke, we watched Kerry and Nella dance and charm the locals and before we knew it ’twas nearly midnight, so we headed off.

I didn’t get to sleep ’til about 4am and then woke up at 6am. Horrible. My mother phoned as apparently I can’t be trusted to wake up of my own accord. I got ready in the dark and slipped out the door, parting with the words “Bye, guy!” at Nella fifteen minutes later. Got on the tube and was at Victoria coach station by 7am, an hour early for my bus. I was just glad it wasn’t delayed again like last time. Again, the journey wasn’t too bad. I spent the first five hours drifting in and out of sleep, then another three reading Sawyer’s autobiography that I’d stolen from him two nights previous. My dad picked me up from the station when we eventually rolled into Aberdeen and he took me for a Chinese as I was starving. Fun times.

Since my return, I’ve done sweet f.a.
I’ve watched too many dvds to stop me being bored without the internets.
Went to the first pub quiz of the year on Wednesday. I really wasn’t feeling it that night though. Until we got to Exodus. The first person I saw was my friend Noel who I’ve not seen since 2006, so that brightened things up a bit.
I went to the Job Centre yesterday and failed at finding a crappy office job. Agencies it is then! I did, however, buy a Stewart Lee dvd for £cheap at Zavvi. The staff are more talkative now that their shop’s being shut down… As soon as I handed it to the guy behind the counter, he complimented me on my choice and we started talking about the Lee and Robin Ince. Good times. This reminded me to buy a Robin Ince ticket from the Box Office. What a terribly exciting day!
Work wasn’t so bad last night. A woman came up to me and asked if I could recommend her a book. I asked for specifications but there were none to be had, just any fiction book. So I went for Stephen Fry’s ‘The Liar’. I told her I’d have to go serve some guy then I’d be right back over. So I did and by that time she’d read the blurb and said it seemed quite good and asked if there was anything else. I went for the Buddha Of Suburbia. She asked me which was better between it and the Liar, so I told her I preferred the Liar. Then I was gonna tell her that if she was after something a bit darker she might like Will Self, but she was just after something funny. I mentioned that Stephen was probably the best bet then and that he had a very British sense of humour. “Like PG Wodehouse? ‘Cos I love PG Wodehouse.” she replied. It all worked out perfectly then and explained the whole Fry/Jeeves and Wooster thing and so she bought the Liar. I love it when stuff like that happens, like that day where an old woman was asking me what biographies I’d recommend. I like it when customers are sweet. Although, recently I’ve really been thinking about getting another job. I think a dull office job is the way to go. It’d be temporary. I think the only thing I don’t like about my one at the moment is I work the hours no-one else does and I feel a bit isolated. I like the camaraderie of everyone doing the commute to work together, whereas with me I’m there on a Sunday when everyone else is in bed and on a Monday night, when everyone’s going home. Ah well, things can only get better. Cheers, D:Ream.

Hmm… what else? Oh, I caved and got a Twitter account. I remember Hayden telling me to join a few months ago and the Penrose has too recently, so I did it. http://twitter.com/kirstenin if you’re bothered.

Anyway, I should maybe end this here. I feel I should say something profound, but I’m too tired and am gonna go fix myself a rum.

Bring on 2009, gang. Hope it all works out spectacular for you.