Half of what I say is meaningless [30/100]

It’s been a nice week. Morven has returned home and Matthew has joined her, so we’ve a full house. I like it when this happens.

We had a rare family outing tonight. We decided to go see Nowhere Boy in the cinema. It is the third film I’ve ever seen at the pictures with my dad (The History Boys and the Simpsons Movie being the others, if you were interested/a bit wrong in the head).
It was really very good. I’ve never really been too bothered about Lennon in the past (always liked him, because, let’s face it, he’s a Beatle, but wasn’t interested enough to learn much about him) but after that, I feel I should buy another book…

This film has also allowed me to open up my What I Will Look For In A Husband list… The first two have always been there…
-A man who is not afraid to wear braces.
-A man who says, “What the deuce?!” and ends sentences “What!”
-A man with a quiff, or the ability to conjure up a quiff in emergency situations.
-A man who is a comedian with a musical side or a musician who is a bit funny.
-A man who is not afraid to wear a military jacket.
-A man who can pull off big glasses. Not literally, probably most men with working hands can pull off big glasses, even if they are really big, they’re only big for glasses, so probably still quite small.
-Facial hair optional. Unless it looks ridiculous, in which case, I hold shaving rights.

Artist’s impression:

(Please forgive lack of detail, especially in the guitar. Clearly, in that respect, I am not my father’s daughter, for he gets quite autistic when it comes to guitars.)

My sister and why she’s so ace [28/100]

Reason #1
She has an Oral-B Triumph 4000 and is fucking proud.

Reason #2
For all of the music I’ve gotten into by default ‘cos she was always playing it.

Reason #3
She found this and made me laugh so much that I cried and choked and genuinely thought I was going to die unless I coughed up my lungs…

All day and all of the night [26/100]

This is terrible. I’ve not been doing it long and I’m already running out of interesting words and settling for ones that sound moderately amusing, which is just not what you deserve, o reader!

So, perhaps each blog should be started with something new. A drawing? A riddle? A joke? Who knows? I’ll try and think of a moderately original (but probably not) thing to do soon though.

Oh god, it’s Boxing Day. What is Boxing Day? I find myself wondering that every year. Also, I feel weirdly depressed about it annually. I think it’s probably just the comedown from Christmas, but this year, it’s a double whammy as it’s a Saturday, which means work in the morning. O woe. I don’t enjoy Saturdays. Baz sent a text earlier to ask if I’d be up for Exodus times tonight. Strangely, I did feel up for it. This is only peculiar because I’m so pathetic at getting up in the morning that I never dare go out on a Saturday night. I’m not gonna bother though because it’s effort to get into town and I am lazy. I think part of my rubbish mood has been due to not seeing any of my friends and just being stuck in the house, so John’s gonna come over tonight and we’ll watch Dylan Moran’s new dvd. Lovely. This is his first tour in a while that I didn’t get the chance to see, so that’ll be good fun.

We did end up going visiting yesterday. The pavements are ridiculously icy, so most of the time was spent walking on the road. I was with my mother and father, both nearly fell several times and I had to grab them. I was so paranoid something like this would happen because I think about things too much. That story made me shudder. It was something that totally could have been avoided and was so simple, but astonishing. Death by falling over? That’s a worrying thought. Thankfully, we got to the Forbes household safely and were told many stories. My uncle regaled us with one about the day his friend’s brother got into a fight with Brian Blessed in the car park of a pub in Fort William. I wish I’d seen that…

I should get off the computer before I start buying things. I’m not gonna get lax with the savings! I wish the Apple Store had a boxing day sale though… Macbook, please… I think I’m going to rebrand Boxing Day as Box-set day. I should buy Life On Mars and… other things I can’t remember. Now off to watch House and work on my limp. You’ve got to learn from the best.

John Carpenter

“There’s more of gravy than of grave about you” [25/100]

verjuice (VUR-joos) – literally, the sour juice of unripe fruits, especially crab apples and grapes. Figuratively, verjuice is sourness of temperament, disposition or expression. It is the hallmark of a curmudgeon (or Scooge, if you want to get into the swing of things).
And we all know it, but just as a follow-on, curmudgeon (kur-MUJ-in) comes from the French couer méchant, meaning ‘wicked heart’.

Ho ho ho, adequate festivus! I hope Santa (or SantaPanda) has been kind to you. SantaPanda is what I am going to put on my christmas cards next year. This was spawned by a conversation I had with Lee yesterday, where he told me of a friend of his who wanted a panda for christmas. He’d told them that Santa would have a bit of a tough job trying to get it over in his sleigh without being mauled. This led to discussion of a panda going mental and killing Santa, then taking over the present-sharing duties himself. Instead of old Père Noël creeping into the rooms of sleeping children (careful now) and quietly, undistubingly placing their stockings (careful now) onto the ends of their beds, we’d have a giant panda quietly crawling up the stairs, only to knock down the children’s door, much like an aggressive drunk, growl and attack them.
This is what I believe SantaPanda to look like, complete with torn-off beard in paw…

Ahem… anyway…
After the fun of last night (I’d forgotten that whilst trying to push the car, Ryan did the most prolonged fall in the history of falls, it is definitely the best thing I’ve seen all year. I also, at one point shouted, “Who do you think I am? Geoff Capes?!”) I got home, decided to listen to, appropriately enough Panda Bear’s album, Person Pitch very loudly, then watch the Muppet Christmas Carol again. I woke up at 5am, sadly not because I was excited for it being christmas, but because I had this really bloody irritating cough. I did that thing, where you lie in bed thinking “Should I go and get a drink/something that will stop this? Nah, it’ll pass…” for an hour and ten minutes before getting a drink of water. Then everything was fine and I slept until 10am.

I greeted my mother and we went downstairs. My dad was there, sat amongst the presents, somehow resisting the urge to open everything. We all did so eventually, but there’s far too many things to mention.
I’m glad that it’s got to that stage where my friends and I will all buy each other ridiculous things. For example, Keri got me a freakin’ singing pillow. You can plug your iPod into it and everything, it’s unnecessary and hilarious, I love it.
Jill got me a very sweet necklace, which made me feel bad for just getting her shit that she didn’t need but would make her laugh. Then I opened the final present from her which turned out to be…

That sod-hat! It made me laugh also.
Baz’s presents to me included a book that we’ve been selling at work that Pete has shuddered at, but I, as a female, have naturally swooned at…

Again, much hilarity ensued. (Especially later, whilst on the phone to the sister, discovering that Kenan of Kenan and Kel was in it. Say whaaaaat?)

The best thing came from Amber, though. Not only did she get me Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus on dvd, but she also bought me something I’d completely forgotten about, something that I spotted in a charity shop window whilst walking down George Street with her and insisted we stopped and stared in awe at…
Yes, that’s right, the Donald Trump board game…

That magnificent… piece of headwear! I can’t wait to play it, quite frankly…

I got this amazing brown dressing gown from my parents that feels like a massively excessive fur coat. I do not believe I’ve owned a dressing gown since I was a toddler. I’ve been swanning around the house with it on all day as if I was some wannabe-diva from yesteryear, but also feel a bit like mix between that hideous character Bonnie Langford plays in Bugsy Malone and Jackie Stallone…


“Yeah, Brackie…”

All of the above things are pretty awesome, as is everything I’ve received today, but there has been one more highlight that came in the form of a gift from my Granny…
I opened it. It was a jar full of Cadbury’s buttons and white chocolate buttons  and Minstrels.

I didn’t notice the Minstrels at first and thought that it was lovely that she’d bought me a jar of buttons. That alone, was very sweet. Then mother told me she’d once briefly mentioned to Granny that I liked eating milk chocolate ones immediately followed by white chocolate ones and I realised that she hadn’t bought them, but had taken my Granda’s old sweet jar and filled it herself. This made it even lovelier, the fact that she’d gone to the effort of putting it together and had given me something that used to belong to my Granda. I was, and still remain, genuinely touched. God bless us, every one.

We’ve just watched Dr Who. I think David Tennant and John Simm should be in everything. Especially Simm. Playing villains too. Exciting.
Off round to see my auntie, uncle and cousin now.
Hope you’ve had a lovely day, gang. See you on the other side. xx

Gonzo [15/100]

imbrue – (im-BROO) to soak or drench something, especially with blood.

We had the first watch of the season of The Muppets Christmas Carol today, Morven, Jill and I.
Me and Morven watch it every Christmas Eve, but seeing as she won’t be home for christmas, it won’t happen this year. It is, without a doubt, my favourite christmas film of all time. Yes, that’s right, better than Home Alone AND Gremlins. Jeez!

I finally bought the dvd the other day after years of watching it on vhs and was very excited to be watching it today. Look at our excited faces.

Jill is being Marley and Marley (whooooa!)

We were having a rare ol’ time watching, singing along and wrapping stuff up  until we came to the scene in which Scrooge is looking back on his past with Belle. My sister’s dvd of the film is missing a scene here, where Belle sings ‘When Love Is Gone’ so I was delighted when my version turned up and I compared its running time to that of the tape that they both said 86 minutes. This turned out to be a lie and the scene was also cut from mine. A-boooo! We paused it, came online, watched this…

…and then pressed play again.

As my sister mentioned numerous times, it’s the whole turning point of the film! That bit where present-day Scrooge joins in even though past-Belle can’t see or hear him is especially poignant. Poor show, whoever decided that scene wasn’t worthy, you’re a monster who hates christmas and love and goodwill and Michael Caine.

“Quite frankly, he mocked the homeless! …One star.” [14/100]

Pogonology – (Poh-goh-NOL-uh-jee) the study of beards.

I know my blog hates me and will date this the 14th December, but it is the 13th: my thirteenth entry, I am not cheating. I tried to think of a way to prove this, but couldn’t. I did take a photo of me with today’s paper…

…but I don’t think that really proves anything other than the fact I know news that happened as I planned on writing this.

Yesterday, after waking up to Adam and Joe, as per every Saturday, I walked and caught a bus to Tesco to buy a hasty last-minute plain white tshirt. Graeme was working, so we discussed the previous night’s antics and plans for the next few weeks. I then returned home, killed some time and got on another bus to take me into town. I got to Korova and met Lee, then eventually more Wot?!Erstone-rs trickled their way through and soon we were working our way down the street to eat. A nice tiny rhyme for you to enjoy there. In your own time.
Meal was most enjoyable and amusing, Matt became my hero of the night for the ballcrap he came out with and Shane kept his title of Most Drunk Most Quickly, but this time was sharing it with Julie, instead of Joss. At around 11pm, only Matt, Janet, Lee, Iain, Chris, Joss, Rachel and I were left so we headed to some bar that was too busy and didn’t give me a glass, so I was mocked for drinking from a can like a commoner… I decided to catch the first of the late night buses at 12.15 and as the gentleman does, Lee said he’d wait for it with me to make sure I didn’t get murdered by death. This was picked up on by my dear manager and Joss and Rachel (hey, that sounds a bit like Ross and Rachel. Will they, too, get involved in a tedious doomed relationship?) who were insistent that we were off to make sweet, ghoulish love in the graveyard opposite the pub. Nice to leave a work night out by shouting “Fuck you!” at your boss.

Today at work, everyone was in a surprisingly good mood. There wasn’t much to do and it was generally just pleasant. Not what I was expecting after, from what I gather, continued to be a late night, but it was a nice change anyway!
Whilst I was working hard making money to put the kids through college, my mother and sister had a clear-out.
When I caught up with my dear sister today, she handed me four photos they’d come across and asked, “If these were the only photos of you that someone had ever seen, do you think they would assume that you were blind?”
I cried with laughter and told her that she had a point. What do you reckon?

I like a number of things about these photos of me for some reason not looking at the camera, thus making it appear as though there is a problem with my eyes.
Let’s call the top ones 1 and 2, and the bottom 3 and 4.
I like that in 4, I’m looking pretty nonchelant despite holding a baby for probably the first time ever. Cool as.
I like that in 3, I’ve managed to look away from the camera, despite the photo being taken in a booth where the machine taking the picture is pretty hard to miss.
I like that in 2, it looks like a maudlin day for the blind birthday girl. Morven looks solemn, I look confused (“But where is the cake, mother?”) and Kyle looks on, mockingly.
But most of all, I like that in 1, I feel there should be a piano in front of me as I’m doing the Stevie Wonder face on my special day out…

Dame Judy Dench is FURIOUS with him… [13/100]

Fugle – (FYOO-gul) to fugle is to act as a model or guide.

Today I have made a return to past days with my sister. I awoke at around 10am after the postman rang the bell, twice and hella loud. We then watched videos of us from when we were little and pissed ourselves laughing. Granny I and Granda provided moments of comedy gold that made me miss them a lot. I hope there’s video evidence of me brushing granda’s hair somewhere…

We then headed into town where we purchased Lush products and I went to Slains for food before heading to work as I’d realised I’d been sat around doing nothing all day, but not eating.

I was told of what had happened after I left on Saturday night. Oh my. I wish I hadn’t gone home so early as it culminated in an encounter with a Russian prostitute in a strip club, followed by an accidental theft. Why do I miss out on all the fun? At around 7pm I started to feel really sick, so lay down for a bit after getting home. It’s now 11.10pm and my sister and I have been playing old Playstation games for over an hour again. We still kick ASS at James Bond: Nightfire. I’m putting that on my CV.

I know this is short and boring, but I’m not feeling 100% and should really go pretend to be a snowboarder or play Demolition Racer. Good day!

A-boooooo! Hisssssss! [12/100]

Brannigan – (BRAN-uh-guhn) a drinking spree. To go on a brannigan is to go on a binge (according to the book, “to go on a bender, of the lost weekend variety”. Brannigan is also another word for a petty squabble, usually over difference of opinion.

Last night, we gathered the family together (or most of them) and went to the pantomime. Seven of the eleven grandchildren/cousins were in attendance along with Granny. Mighty fine! I do love the fact that my family (on both sides) get on so well.

Granny used to take us all to the panto when we were little. I was so small that I can only vaguely remember it, but last year Morven decided we should all go again, which was ace. I like this resurrected tradition. It’s good to be able to make sarcastic comments, point out plot-holes and make up innuendos (out of Granny’s earshot, mind) as well as really join in.
“Do you believe in me, boys and girls?”
“Yes!”
“I can’t hear you, do you believe in me, boys and girls?”
“YES!!!”

This did nothing for my sore throat, but a good night was had by all. Here’s a photo of us, minus Morven who was taking it, that’s quite dark. I’ll post one from her camera when she uploads them.

[Right to Left: Graeme, Ashleigh, me, Alan, Granny, Emma and Donna]

Apologies for this being brief, I have to go and get ready for our work’s night out. I’m not really feeling up to it, due to a horrific cold, but it should be fun. I doubt I’ll stay out as late as last year’s. Ugh…

A stranger is just a friend you’ve not met yet… or a stranger you talk to politely for a few minutes then never see again [10/100]

My sister arrived home last night and I got excited. I remember her from my childhood.

We decided to get a bus (the number 5! the number 5! why is it still, after all of these years, more of an adventure to get on this as opposed to the 2?) to Sainsbury’s (why is it still, after all of these years, more of an adventure to go here as opposed to Asda?) and went into the cafe there for some crap-lunch before buying ingredients for planned baking.

There were no chairs, which posed a dilemma. There were, however, two old women at different tables, sitting alone and drinking tea. We decided we’d go sit with one of them, but this meant choosing which. We went for the friendlier looking of the two, although I think we missed a trick by not picking one each and competing to see who had the better old lady. She welcomed us with open arms and said that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. It was lovely, instead of just getting on with eating her chips, she spoke to us and told us all about herself. It truly was another I Like People day. You never realise that strangers are sometimes lovely until they tell you about their lives. I know I’ve mentioned this on here before, but it’s nice to talk to strangers. Remember that, kids, ignore your parents when they tell you not to.

We had a bit of hilarity trying to track down everything we needed (Everything we needEGG, like an egg!), caught the bus again, went to Asda (an anti-climax after the excitement of the former-grocer but became somewhat grosser, Sainsbury’s) and then home. I then walked to the doctors where I got my third and final needle for anti-diseases. The nurse left by saying, “Thanks, take care… nice hat.” At first, I’d forgotten that I’d my hat on due to it being constantly cold here in our northern winter wonderland, so I thought this may be some new slang like “I’m a donut” that JFK popularised. But no, she liked my hat. She’s a nurse of good taste.

Off to make a stir-fry and then go see A Serious Man at the cinema. Life is good.

Everything is unfin– [8/100]

A very quick entry today as not much has happened, but at the same time, it has felt quite busy so I’ve not had time to ponder things and then write about them in too much detail. I would have an extra hour if my blog clock didn’t lie. It’s 10.45pm, it’ll say it’s 11.45pm. Grr…

I’m looking forward to the rest of this month, it’s shaping up to be mighty fun. Tomorrow, my sister comes home for quite a few days which is very exciting as she’s usually just here for a night or so.

It just hit me how strange it’ll be to not see her on Christmas day, so we’re gonna have to cram in lots of films and festive things while she’s up this week. Every christmas eve, we watch the Muppets Christmas Carol, so I think this year we’ll have to watch it at the same time on that day and have each other on the phone to sing along to. It is definitely my favourite christmas film ever. Possibly the greatest Michael Caine film ever made too! I just can’t imagine how actual christmas day is going to go this year. I think it’ll probably just feel like a normal day, but one where I get given some money and there’s nothing good on tv… I’m quite sad about it, but I’m sure it’ll be alright.
So, yeah… we’re heading to Yo Sushi on Friday and then to the pantomime with the family at night, so I’m psyched for that. We used to go to the panto, my cousins, my granny and me, when we were all little. Last year, we revived the tradition. I was eighteen and the youngest there (my younger cousins couldn’t make it) and it was hilarious fun. This year, I won’t be the youngest, but it’s sure to be awesome. I like my family!

On Saturday, I’ve got my work night out, yet have to work at 9am the next day, so I don’t think I’ll be as hardcore as I was at the one last year. The first of the late night buses will be a good idea. I will then post all of the pictures of everyone from work in my hat. It’ll be a triumph. I hope. Even if my boss is adamant he won’t wear it. We’re gonna have to go all stealthy on his ass.

Uhh… what else? Next week should be good also. The sister doesn’t leave ’til Tuesday, so that’s me entertained for the first two days at least! I got a message from Steve to say that he was back in town soon with young Russell Howard again and we should go for a cup or two of tea. I googled the gig as he, like a true professional, wasn’t actually sure what day it was. Turns out it’s next Friday AND it’s at the freakin’ AECC, that’s just insane! I saw Russell Howard at the Lemon Tree once…
Then as soon as that’s over with, it’s nearly christmas, then it’ll be new year. Christycle on a bicycle, it’s gone by quick. I feel a bit like Comic Store Guy, “I’ve… wasted my life.”